Another Fine Mess
by kazekagesama23
Summary: RanmaNarutoSailorMoon crossover. Due to a new jutsu gone horribly wrong, Shikamaru, Naruto and Sakura are all sucked into the Ranmaverse.
1. Prologue

Chapter 1

A.N. This is an idea I had kicking around in my head. I really, really love Naruto/Ranma crossovers so I decided to do one. Many other talented writers will probably do much better stories than me, but here's my offering on the pile. And yes, the first chapter is kinda weak, but almost all of the first chapters I've seen are pretty mediocre. Bear with me.

* * *

White clouds floated lazily by, their puffy bodies pushed along by the gentle winds. Shikamaru stretched and yawned on top of his favorite cloud watching spot as he calmly watched the clouds float on their way. He would have given just about anything to be one of them today. He made a small sound of irritation as he remembered exactly why he was up here.

* * *

Breakfast had been an ordeal. His mother, thought he loved her dearly, had taken it in mind that her son should have a girlfriend. She had already set up some meetings with a few girls without his knowledge, none of which were quite his type. He could have told her that it would be a bad idea, but the woman could be incredibly intimidating when she dropped her 'mommy' mask. Needless to say, he wasn't going to waste the breath. He'd just have to humor her and hope it was over soon.

The redhead Kotachi was a giggling airhead. He had mentally rejected her as soon as he saw her. He knew he wasn't supposed to judge a book by it's cover, but he hadn't had to probe too deep to find out that she was every bit as bad she looked. Sure, she was hot, but so were most of the girls he knew.

The blond girl, Yoriko, had looked somewhat promising. She was smart, funny and kinda cute. Then, she started talking about her ex-boyfriend. How he had taken her to this place and how they had done so many wonderful things together and she wondered if Shikamaru would be like him. He had politely but bluntly excused himself. He didn't need that kind of pressure in a relationship.

Last was the brunette, Kiyo. She was, without doubt, one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Unfortunately she had a serious princess complex that he just couldn't deal with. 'If I wanted someone with a princess complex, I'd ask Ino out' he thought bemusedly.

Bottom line, he simply wasn't looking for a relationship right now. He'd see what happened when he was a little older. Make that much older.

When he finally escaped the girls, he had wandered toward his favorite hill, intent on doing a little cloud watching to relive his stress. He hadn't gotten more than two steps out the door when he bumped into Temari and Gaara.

The Kazekage had official business in Konoha and Temari had tagged along for the ride. She had greeted him with her customary hug, squeezing him tight despite the obvious displeasure of her brother.

Shikamaru began sweating as Gaara leveled a venomous gaze on him. He heard the rustling of sand in the giant gourd and threw his arms out to the side.

"Not touching! Not touching!" he shouted as the sand started to slither out of the gourd.

This appeared to be enough to mollify Gaara, as the sand calmed back down, although the Kazekage still eyed him with an intensity that was disturbing. Then he got smacked over the head with Temari's huge fan for not returning the hug. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

He had escaped down the street, and as he ran through the crowd he heard Temari yelling at her brother for scaring him off.

He thought he was home free, but lady luck must have had it in for him today, because as he dodged yet another pedestrian, he ran into Ino. Literally.

When he had finally uncrossed his eyes from the abrupt collision, (that girl had a really hard head!) he found that he had landed in a rather compromising position. His first clue was the pillowy softness he felt on his cheek and he was pretty sure that no one had thrown a few pillows between the two of them. With a sinking feeling he made what he would later qualify as one of the stupidest moves of his life. He reached up with a hand for tactile confirmation. Squishy, check. Round, check. Hardened little nub at the end, W…T…F?!

As he slowly raised his head, he noted with dread and a little morbid fascination that his head was indeed lying on Ino's chest. He also noticed that she was blushing a cherry red. Had he been in a less apprehensive state of mind, he would have noticed that it made her look a lot cuter.

"Uhhh, Ino?" he said as he slowly extracted his head from her bosom.

This seemed to shake her out of her trance. She looked up at him as comprehension slowly dawned. "Shikamaru no hentai!" she screamed as she shot up and took a swing backed by righteous feminine indignation.

Shikamaru vacated his spot as Ino's fist tore through the concrete. He noted with more than a little dread that the blast radius of her hit had made a four by four by three depression in the ground. 'When did she get Sakura's crazy strength?' he wondered as he dodged for his life.

Sensing a killer aura behind him, he had spared a look to the side to see Temari watching them. She looked seriously ticked off. Wonderful.

"Shika-kun, how dare you grope another woman!" she yelled as she opened her fan and jumped at him. He dodged her first strike and ducked beneath a punch from Ino.

Temari swung at him again. "The only woman you should be groping is me!" she yelled as she continued to try and hit him.

Shikamaru would have facefaulted if he wasn't running for his life.

Finally, he took the only option left to him and bolted down a side street with the two harpies screeching on his tail. After a long and convoluted chase, he finally shook his two pursuers and had headed right to his cloud watching spot. The last thing he needed right now was more trouble

Speaking of trouble, he sensed some more coming his way. Specifically, the loud, orange kind. He groaned softly. He should have known.

"Oi, Shikamaru!"

Shikamaru rubbed his forehead in exasperation as Naruto bounded up the hill to the top of his favorite cloud watching spot. He made the final jump and landed somewhat less than gracefully at the top of the hill. Shikamaru immediately knew that this couldn't possibly bode well because the blond haired boy was fairly vibrating with excitement. Naruto plus excitement usually resulted in bad things happening. And if you were lucky, no one was permanently scarred or disfigured.

"Hey, I've got this really cool jutsu that I just finished! It's really powerful and cool and…" Shikamaru held up his hand as Naruto started rambling.

"Naruto, why are you telling this to me? Couldn't you tell other people? Like Sakura or Tsunade?"

Naruto frowned. "Well, I can't find Sakura-chan and I don't want to show it to Tsunade-obachan. She wouldn't appreciate how cool it is!"

Shikamaru sighed in annoyance. "Isn't that Sakura right down there?" he asked, pointing to the small, pink haired figure that was walking a little below them.

Naruto perked up as he saw the diminutive kunoichi. "Oi, Sakura-chan! Up here!" he yelled as he jumped up and down and waved his arms. Sakura looked up and gave Naruto the 'one minute' signal before she started jumping up the hill. Shikamaru gave a quiet puff of annoyance. He had hoped that Naruto would go down the hill and show her whatever crazy new jutsu he had learned. He didn't know why Naruto thought he would care about it.

Sakura made the final leap and landed softly at the top of the small hill that was now getting rather crowded.

"What's up Naruto?" she asked, taking in the quivering Naruto and the annoyed Shikamaru.

Naruto bounced on the tips of his feet as he wildly waved his arms. "Sakura-chan, Sakura-chan, I learned this cool new jutsu! It's really awesome!"

Shikamaru tuned it out and went back to cloud watching, having heard this all before.

Sakura, on the other hand was mildly interested. "What kind of a jutsu is it, Naruto?" she asked, tilting her head slightly.

Naruto grinned widely. "It's an improvement on Rasengan that ero-sennin said I should try! I call it Super Beam Rasengan! I do a Rasengan in each hand and smash them together and then it push the chakra out into a beam shape! It took out nine trees on my test runs!" He puffed out his chest proudly as Sakura looked fairly impressed.

Even Shikamaru was interested. 'Hmm…pure power as usual. Not that I'd expect anything else from Naruto. He practically oozes power and all his moves are based on his incredible chakra reserves.' He raised his head slightly and focused his eyes on Naruto's. "Are you going to show it to us or are you going to sit there and pose?" he asked as Naruto grinned.

"Yeah, I'll definitely show you this super cool new move! Watch that big tree over there!" he said, pointing to a large tree that was about ten feet from the bottom of the hill.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Two clones appeared on either side of Naruto. "Alright guys, we need to do this right!" Naruto shouted as the clones nodded and began swirling the chakra in Naruto's hand. As two blue spheres began to form in Naruto's hands, Shikamaru couldn't help but be impressed in spite of himself.

'Never mind the beam part, having enough concentration to make one Rasengan in each hand is very impressive. It would take an inordinate amount of concentration to keep the chakra swirling in both hands.'

Naruto dispelled both clones. "Ok, it's ready to go!" he said as the two Rasengan in his palms pulsed and glowed. He concentrated, and then pushed his palms together. "Haaaaaaa!!" he shouted as the two swirling chakra energies met, kicking up winds that almost knocked over Sakura and Shikamaru. However, instead of a beam, the swirling energies thinned and expanded, creating a large blue swirling hole that seemed to tear at the fabric of reality. Sakura was yanked into the swirling blue morass and disappeared from sight before the startled eyes of the two boys.

The last thing Shikamaru heard before gale force winds sucked him into the hole was Naruto's sheepish voice. "Oops." Then he was pulled off his feet and plunged through the blue hole into the unknown.

Naruto jumped in after the two shinobi and without the source to sustain it the blue hole rippled and shrank into non-existence.

* * *

A.N. Yes, I know there's no Ranma in this chapter, but I have to establish the premise behind why these two series could possibly combine together. I promise there will be some Ranma goodness in the next chapter. Also, some feedback would be helpful. Unless, of course, you absolutely loath it and don't want to waste your precious time writing a review for a story that you hate. If so, I understand. Otherwise, constructive criticism, OOCness alerts, plot holes, etc…are more than welcome in the reviews. Thanks.


	2. First Meetings Rev 2

Chapter 2

A.N. Heh, I started Chapter 2 and I haven't even posted Chapter 1 yet. How's that for messed up. Oh well. As promised, there will be Ranma goodness in this chapter. And speaking of which, I'm having a little trouble with the pairings. I already have one picked out for Shikamaru and one for Sakura, but I can't seem to find one for Naruto. If you guys have any ideas, please let me know. And I need actual compelling reasons to pair him with this person, not just 'they would be so cute together!' (Not coincidentally, I reserve the right to use less than perfect logic in my own pairing choices for others. Which means that they'll kinda make sense in that 'tickling the back of your brain' way. Like it would be almost plausible.)Also, you can include who you think Shikamaru or Sakura should be with if you like. But you better have one compelling reason because I love the pairings I have right now. If your reasoning is good enough you might actually convince me to change my mind. Thanks in advance.

* * *

The world was a twirling kaleidoscope of blue and white. Shikamaru tried to make sense of the various feelings that assaulted him but it was no use. He was solid and liquid, existence and non-existence at the same time. He could vaguely see a flash of pink as Sakura twirled ahead of him, but it was relegated to the back of his brain in favor of trying to think of a way out of his predicament. It looked as though it would be a moot point as he saw a white square in the distance.

"Hmmm…looks like the end of the line." He thought as he spun closer and closer to his final destination. He watched in detached fascination as Sakura spun into the white patch, causing it to flash briefly and then resume it's static appearance. He braced himself as well as he was able and fervently hoped that this wouldn't hurt.

* * *

Ranma whistled cheerfully as he walked down the street, pausing for a moment at a street vendor to purchase an octopus ball. Today was decidedly a good day; he had only had one major conflict and that in the morning with Akane. No crazy fiancées trying to drug/poison him, no Kuno harassing him or spouting praises to the pigtailed goddess, and most importantly, none of his rivals showing up to try and beat the tar out of him for some alleged misdeed.

Yes, today was going very well indeed. Too well. He just knew something was bound to happen.

Tremors shook the ground under his feet and he groaned as he resigned himself to another enormous battle. He could have fled, but that thought was beaten bloody and stuffed in the furthest corner of his mind. Ranma Saotome never runs from his battles. A little to his left, a hole opened in the ground and a bandannaed head stuck itself out.

"Ok, pushcarts and houses. I'm in a town. Now, where is here?" Ryoga pulled himself out of the hole and removed a worn and faded map from his backpack. Gingerly unfolding the brittle paper, he searched it, his eyes flickering up and down the small parchment. With a weary sigh, he refolded the map. It made no more sense than it did the last time. Shaking his head, he muttered; "Where on earth am I now?"

"Yer' in Nerima pig-boy."

Ryoga turned himself slowly to face his most powerful rival and his only friend. Make that sometimes friend. While they had grown to tolerate each other, they still preferred not to spend too much time together and then only to test the other's skills. A dark smile made it's way across his face. A fight would be just the thing right now.

"Ranma! Today is the day I'm going to beat you into the ground!" Ryoga bellowed, as he sized up his outwardly calm foe. The pigtailed boy stood across the street, his hair whipping wildly from a sudden gust of wind and his ever-present smirk on his face.

"Ryoga, the day you can beat me is the day that Akane can cook something that's edible." He said with a slight mocking grin. He beckoned with his hand at the seething lost boy. "Yer' more than welcome to try though. Come on!"

With a shout, the battle was joined.

* * *

With little flair, a swirling blue hole flung the first of its three occupants onto the hard dusty streets. Sakura let out a small mew of pain as she rolled into a large statue that stood at the edge of a thick wooden wall. She quickly used her healing chakra to repair the large bruise and internal damage.

As she pushed herself to her feet, the hole evicted the second of its tenants. Shikamaru hit the ground hard and stayed there. He groaned softly as he took stock of his various wounds. That had hurt far more than it had any right to. He felt the infusion of healing chakra and muttered his thanks to Sakura as he felt his ribs mend and his aches start to fade away.

The hole's final resident was unceremoniously dumped onto the unyielding earth like a bag of sod. Naruto winced as he held his right arm. It felt like a fracture and there would probably be some nasty looking bruises for the next few hours. The fracture was already starting to heal as the Nine-tailed fox's chakra flowed through his wounded limb. Boosting himself on his good appendage, he pushed himself to his feet and quickly attempted to get his bearings.

Spotting Sakura bending over Shikamaru, he made his way over to the pair, wincing as he put weight on his right leg. That one was most likely fractured too. It would heal soon enough.

As Shikamaru slowly got to his feet, Naruto once again displayed his complete lack of tact.

"Oi! What happened? Where are we?"

Shikamaru glared at Naruto who cringed back slightly at the sheer venom in the gaze. "I was hoping you would know that." He took a good look at their surroundings.

"None of these surroundings look familiar. Which means probably means one thing. It looks like you've transported us to another village that we've never been to. Most of these structures are not familiar." He rubbed his forehead in irritation. "I don't think you should try that again because I'm not sure if opening another portal will automatically take us back to Konoha. It will most likely be another random destination. Don't open another one until we can figure out how it works."

As he thought about it, he came to another unsettling conclusion. "We could possibly even be in some kind of alternate dimension. I've never seen any of these types of buildings before."

Naruto scratched his head. "So, what you're saying is that we're in another dimension?"

"It's only a theory. There's no way I can prove it right now, but that's my best suggestion." Shikamaru said calmly.

Sakura finally couldn't take it anymore. "How are we going to get back?! What about our families?! I have more training with Hokage-sama tomorrow and…" she paused as Shikamaru raised a hand for silence.

"That's not our main concern at the moment. Our first priority before we find out how to control Naruto's jutsu is to…" he threw himself to the side as a spinning object screamed through the spot he had just vacated. The rouge projectile tore through a mailbox post and ripped out a good chunk of a bordering wall before it finally fell to the ground, it's inertia spent.

Naruto was the first to the unknown object and he picked it up and looked at it in puzzlement. "A bandanna?" It was a simple bandanna colored yellow with black swatches placed sporadically around its length.

Sakura frowned. "What kind of jutsu turns cloth into a deadly weapon?"

Shikamaru shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, but it came from that direction." He pointed behind them past a telephone pole.

"Well let's go check it out then, dattebayo!" shouted Naruto as he sprinted past his two companions.

Sakura held up a warning hand. "Wait, Naruto! Don't charge in so fast!" But it was too late as the spiky haired blond rounded the corner and sped off toward the disturbance. She gave a long-suffering sigh and turned to Shikamaru. "I suppose we should follow him. Just to keep him out of trouble."

Shikamaru gave a grunt and reluctantly started walking in the direction that Naruto had just disappeared. Sakura fell in step beside him. "So what are the odds that we'll get back to Konoha in the next few days?" she asked him, a look of apprehension appearing on her face as Shikamaru grimaced. "Assuming we are only in a different village in our dimension, the odds are pretty good. If we've entered another dimension…well, let's just say we'll have to get used to being here for a good while longer."

Sakura slumped at that bit of depressing news. "How are you handling it so calmly? I'm freaking out over here!"

Shikamaru gave her an uncharacteristic grin and thumbs up. "The great and terrible power of apathy. It really works! Try it today!"

Sakura felt her face hit the ground hard. She shot back up, her face contorted in a mask of feminine fury. "Don't ever do that again Shikamaru! You're freaking me out! You looked like Lee-kun for a minute there!" She gave him a good punch to the stomach to aid his memory retention.

Shikamaru folded over her fist as the breath left his lungs in a grunt. "J..just trying to lighten the mood, troublesome…woman…" he wheezed as he straightened up. "Shouldn't we be checking on Naruto?"

Sakura's eyes widened as she realized that they had forgotten about the blond genin. She grabbed Shikamaru's hand and dragged him behind her as she ran toward a now audible fight.

* * *

"Ha! Slow as ever, pig boy!" Ranma taunted as he twisted out of the way of a wickedly powerful kick that would have cracked a few bones had it connected. He landed lightly on the ground and with a swift motion he was inside Ryoga's defenses, pounding away at his stomach.

Ryoga tried a sweep kick that Ranma deftly jumped over and the two separated for a brief moment. Ryoga grinned nastily, showing his overdeveloped canines. "Weak as ever Ranma! Those punches felt like a light breeze!"

Ranma smirked as he drew himself up in an offensive stance. "I guess it's time to get serious then, eh Ryoga?" Ryoga matched his stance. "As if you weren't serious already." He concentrated for a brief moment and a dark green aura gathered around him. He thrust his arms forward. "SHISHI HOKODAN!" Ranma chuckled as he saw the dull green bolt close in on him. He closed his eyes for a brief instant and his whole body was swathed in a bright blue aura. "MOKO TAKABISHA!" The two ki projectiles met each other and detonated with a thunderous roar.

As the two fighters leapt at each other, they never noticed an orange figure watching off to the side.

* * *

Naruto watched the two fighters in awe as they battled around their small spot of street. 'Wow, that one with the pigtail is as good as Lee in Taijutsu! And that big guy with the bandanna is pretty good too! They're at least Chuuin level; probably Jounin.' His eyes widened appreciatively as the bandannaed boy ripped a telephone pole out of the ground and hurled it like a javelin. Now that was a level of strength on par with Tsunade or Sakura. A sharp hiss of air came from his mouth as he watched them shoot what appeared to be large blasts of chakra at each other. 'That one guy's jutsu looked like Rasengan, only you don't have to get close to your enemy to use it!' The blond salivated as he thought of the combat possibilities. 'What did he call it? Fierce Tiger Domineering? What kind of a name is that?'

"Oi, Naruto." Shikamaru brought him out of his musing and he turned to face him as he walked up to his position crouching behind a wall. "Do you know why those two are fighting?"

Naruto shrugged. "I don't know, it doesn't seem like a real battle, more like a practice match."

Sakura's jaw dropped. "P..practice match!" The pink haired girls mouth opened and close a few time before she stuttered out; "T..those are **Jounin** level techniques that they're throwing around out there! How can you say that it's just a sparring match?"

Naruto gestured with his hand at the two fighters. "Look at their auras. There's no killing intent in them."

Shikamaru concentrated for a moment, and then gave a small sound of surprise. "Huh, they**are** just sparring. Those are some impressive techniques for sparring though. I wonder what other kinds of techniques they can use."

As if in response to his inquiry, the boy in the yellow shirt stabbed his finger into the ground as the pigtailed boy soared in from above, preparing a devastating kick. "Bakusai Tenketsu revised: Shield Of Earth!" Four points around the boy exploded kicking up a dangerous barrage of stone and earth and flinging the other fighter away to the ground. From out of the maelstrom of rock and soil came more of the bandanna buzz saws, cutting their way toward the pigtailed fighter who rolled to his feet and nimbly dodged most of the projectiles. A few made it through his guard though and the smaller boy winced as they left stinging red slices on his unprotected arms.

The displaced earth settled to the ground, revealing a madly grinning Ryoga. "Ha! I thought that would get you Ranma! You want to just concede now?!"

Ranma grinned as he cocked his head. "Not on your life Ryoga! You ain't the only one who's been learning new moves!" He crossed his arms over his chest and concentrated. As a blue glow began to form around him, he splayed his arms out to his sides, and small blue balls formed at his fingertips. "Moko Takabisha Revised: Nova Flare!" The small blue balls rocketed for Ryoga with incredible speed and the lost boy was caught completely by surprise as the tiny chi blasts hit him square in the chest. More of the small blasts flew in to add to the growing explosion, weaving and swarming like hyperactive fireflies until Ranma finally stopped feeding the inferno.

The pigtailed boy smirked insufferably as the blast finally died down, leaving a singed and glowering Ryoga. "What was that about giving up Ryoga? Did you have something to say?" The lost boy scowled. That had really hurt. "As a matter of fact, I do! SHISHI HOKODAN!" Ranma was blasted through a retaining wall as the _lion's roar_ caught him full in the chest.

Ryoga smiled darkly as he waited for Ranma to return. This time he would beat that insufferable womanizer and then…Akane. A small trail of drool leaked its way out of the corner of his mouth as he started to lose himself in daydreams. Then he sweatdropped as he realized that there was a short orange kid standing right next to him with huge grin on his face.

Naruto gave his widest fox-grin as he addressed the bandannaed boy. "Those jutsus were pretty cool! How did you do that chakra blast thing? How do you make those bandannas spin like that? Or that Earth Shield thing? Can you teach me?"

Ryoga's sweatdrop grew as the boy rambled on. "Look, I'm in the middle of a fight right now, I can't talk to you until later. Right now I…" he snapped his attention back to the fence as he heard a shout. "MOKO TAKABISHA!"

* * *

Ranma grinned as he pulled himself off the ground, despite the throbbing in his left leg. Pig-boy was as great a challenge as usual.

He was somewhat disappointed with Ryoga's new move. While it could make a useful strategic tool, tactics were not the lost boy's strong point. It seemed somewhat unlikely that Ryoga would be able to use it to its full potential.

Gathering his ki, he formed a ball of energy in his hands, concentrating as it grew to the size of a basketball.

Homing in on Ryoga's blazing ki signature, he thrust his hands forward. "MOKO…"

A nearby cat chose that moment to make it's presence known.

"Mrowr!"

Ranma's voice ended on a high note as his entire body shuddered, pulling his arms to the right. "…TAKABISHA!"

* * *

Ryoga tensed himself to leap out of the way then started to relax as he saw that the ki blast would miss him. He looked back, following its path and saw that the sphere was headed straight for a small pink haired girl. "Crap!" he swore as he saw the girl was apparently paralyzed with fear. Pushing some of his ki into his legs, he moved faster than he had ever moved in his life to throw himself in front of the girl, bracing his feet and crossing his arms to protect his face. The blast hit him with a loud roar, exploding on the thin ki buffer he had managed to raise in time.

As the smoke cleared, Ryoga winced. That had hurt like a…well, something that was really painful. "What were you thinking Ranma? You almost hit an innocent bystander!" Ryoga roared as Ranma jumped back over the wall. Turning to the pink haired girl, he realized that she was still staring at nothing. "Are you okay?" he asked, cocking his head and adopting a worried expression. As that hadn't seemed to work, he tried plan B. "Hello?" he asked, leaning in towards her face.

Sakura's brain finally rebooted from her near death experience and her eyes focused on the boy in front of her. 'He saved me' was her first rational thought. A bright blush spread to her nose and cheeks as she realized that the boy was very handsome and that his face was very close to hers. The blush deepened when he straightened back up and she saw that the blast had pretty much destroyed his shirt and that his muscular chest and stomach were on open display. A small trickle of blood ran down her nose as she idly noted that she'd never seen a person with that much definition or that many muscles for that matter. Inner Sakura was greedily staring at him like a man dying of thirst at a glass of water. _'Ooookay, Sasuke's got nothing on this guy. Go for it girl!' _With that thought, Sakura's brain switched from "confused" to "Super Fan-girl Mode 2.0"

"T…thank you for saving me, uh..." she stammered. Ryoga shrugged. "Ryoga. It's the duty of a martial artist to protect the helpless. Don't mention it."

Sakura's crush induced high deflated like a punctured balloon as she ran his comment back through her mind. "Hey! I'm not helpless! I'm the number two ranked kunoichi in my age group in Konoha!"

Ryoga flushed in embarrassment. "I see. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that. I should have let you deal with that yourself."

Sakura felt smug until she thought about what might happen if she got hit by one of those balls of chakra. "W..well…um…I mean…I'm not as good as you, obviously…that is…one hit from that blast would probably kill me." She twiddled her fingers nervously. "So…um…thank you Ryoga-kun."

"Ah, like I said, not a problem." Ryoga laughed nervously with his hand behind his head as the girl's gaze turned glassy and yet intense. Ryoga started to sweat. That look was very disconcerting. It was a hungry look like the one that those cooks that were always trying to catch and butcher him as P-chan gave him. Like she was sizing him up to determine how much of a meal he'd make. He took a small, almost imperceptible step back.

Sakura's thoughts were along different, yet parallel lines. 'Holy s- that makes him look sooooo cute! I want to just squeeze him like a giant teddy bear. And then…' A larger flow of blood streamed from her nostrils as her blush became atomic lighting her whole face up like a Christmas tree. She quickly pinched her nose shut and tried to control her lascivious thoughts.

Ryoga's sense of self-preservation was overridden by his more chivalrous instincts. (Stupid instincts) He noticed that the girl had blood on her shirt and was bleeding profusely from the nose. "Look, are you sure you're okay? You look like you're bleeding pretty bad…"

Sakura shook her head frantically, spraying blood in a small arc onto the road. "No, no I'm okay, really!"

* * *

Shikamaru sighed as he watched Sakura, go all googly eyed over another poor guy. She'd had it bad with Sasuke, but this crush looked to be the worst yet. "Good luck with the fan girl" he mumbled, half to himself. He sighed heavily. It wasn't as though Sakura wasn't pretty or smart or anything like that. It was the obsessive fan girl personality that sent her prospective boyfriends running for the hills.

'I suppose I'd better intervene' he thought, pushing himself off the pavement where he had thrown himself to avoid the blue chakra projectile. Taking a few cautious steps around the row of bushes providing him cover, he approached the boy that was currently staring in concern at his pink-haired admirer.

"She's fine." He said, smirking a little internally as the other boy jumped a little in surprise. "She just has a uh…special type of sickness that makes her nose bleed during times of great stress."

Ryoga, being the caring though simple person he was, took it at face value. "Oh, ok. That makes sense." He unwrapped one of his bandannas from his head and offered it to Sakura. "Here, you can use this to wipe the blood off."

Sakura was horrified. "Ah! I can't ruin your bandanna like that!"

Ryoga gave a dismissive wave. "It's okay. These bandannas are a family heirloom. I think they're magical. I haven't been able to actually run out of them yet." He paused for a minute, looking thoughtful. "Although I can take them off when I bathe or shower. They must be keyed to intent somehow."

Inner Sakura rubbed her hands gleefully. 'That bandanna's not all you need to take off! Show us the goods!"

Both boys sweatdropped heavily as Sakura smacked the side of her head hard enough to make her sway on her feet. 'Bad inner! Naughty inner!' she thought forcefully, trying to suppress the building urge to jump Ryoga in the middle of the street. 'What's wrong with me?' she wondered, absently slapping the side of her head again. 'What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong! You're too much of a prude to fool around with anyone, and your repressed libido is driving me crazy!' shouted Inner Sakura. 'You need to shack up with this hottie and…well, I think you know.' Sakura bashed the other side of her head in a mostly useless effort to get her nymphomaniac Inner to shut up.

"Who's the crazy girl?" Ranma asked, ambling up to the small group with Naruto gliding in his wake.

Sakura reddened in embarrassment, then anger. "What do you mean, crazy?! What gives you the right to barge in here and start judging people?" she fumed, crossing her arms over her chest.

Ranma smirked cheekily. "Hey, I'm not the one that was beating the crap out of herself a few minutes ago."

"That wasn't…I was…" Sakura stumbled over her words as she realized that she couldn't reveal that she'd been having dirty thoughts of Ryoga covered in whipped cream. "It's not what it looked like!"

Ranma gave a low chuckle, shaking his head dismissively. "Uh huh. Suuuure. I believe you."

At this point Ryoga was very confused, but he was still the chivalrous sap that he always had been. "Ranma! How dare you pick on this poor girl! You apologize to her!"

Sakura gave a little start. 'Ah, Ryoga-kun is defending me!' she thought in glee. She barely stopped herself from squealing out loud in excitement. 'He's so nice and handsome!'

Naruto shook his head as he started to put two and two together. "Sakura-chan, are you getting another crush? Wasn't Sasuke-teme enough for one lifetime?"

As Ryoga gaped at her in astonishment, Sakura flushed in deep mortification. "What are you talking about Naruto-baka?!" she yelled, using her monstrous strength to bash him into a thick wall on the other side of the street. Ranma cringed, recalling a particularly nasty incident with Akane and mallet-sama.

Shikamaru sighed and willed his feet to start moving in Naruto's direction, on the off hand chance that he needed some help. As he passed through the spot that Naruto had previously occupied, he noticed several pieces of paper floating down to the ground. 'They must have been dislodged from his shirt when Sakura hit him.' He mused, stopping and deftly plucking the errant pieces from the air. Flipping the topmost one over, he gave a start as he saw what was on the other side.

'Cheesecake pictures of Hinata?' he thought, his eyebrow twitching. A quick examination of the other three yielded the same results. All four pictures were of Hinata Hyuuga in various states of undress. All of them looked as if they had been taken from a window. "Naruto…" he said, shaking his head sadly. "You do realize that if you asked her, she'd probably pose in less for you?"

Naruto flowed to his feet and toward Shikamaru, moving fluidly, as if he hadn't just been punched into a wall. "H..hey give me those back, they're…" he stopped as if he'd just realized something. "Wait, she'd do that if I asked her?" A slow fox grin made it's way onto his face as blood trickled over his lip.

Sakura was utterly confused. "What's on those pictures? And who's 'she'?"

Naruto gasped and made an awkward swipe for the pictures. Shikamaru pulled then toward his chest, effectively keeping them out of Naruto's reach. "N..nothing Sakura-chan! They're just uh…flowers and stuff!"

Sakura perked up with interest. "Really? Let me see them." She took a quick step and peered over Shikamaru's shoulder.

"Noooooooooo!" Naruto cried as he lunged for the pictures. Shikamaru slid out of his way, letting the spiky blond smash his face into the pavement. Sakura took a long look at the pictures and started visibly simmering in anger.

"Naaaarutoooooooo!" she yelled, rounding on the terrified boy who was backing away from her waving his arms frantically.

"S..Sakura-chan, it's not what you think…I just…um…" he trailed off as her aura spiked, the chakra rolling off her in waves.

"YOU PERVERT! HOW COULD YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF POOR HINATA LIKE THAT!!" she screamed, taking a menacing step forward as Naruto backed up faster.

Shikamaru snorted. Poor Hinata indeed. She'd probably dance a jig if she knew Naruto had some sort of interest in her.

"B..but it's only a picture, I didn't do anything! Ero-sennin just wanted some material…" Naruto exclaimed, sweat pouring down his brow as he stared death by dismemberment in the eye. If anything, Sakura was now even more upset.

With a scream of feminine moral outrage, Sakura pounced on Naruto and a beating of unspeakable brutality commenced.

* * *

Ranma watched as the pink haired girl got medieval on Naruto (the kid had been eager to give his name), wincing in sympathy as he recalled being in a few of the positions that Naruto was twisted into. He turned to the other boy that had been with the pair, idly noting as he scrutinized his face that it looked like a pineapple. "So, is this normal? Or is it that time of the month?" he asked, absently scratching his head.

"Well, it doesn't usually get this bad, but yeah, Naruto gets kicked around a lot." Shikamaru winced as he watched Naruto's leg bend at an angle that shouldn't have been humanely possible. He turned to face the pigtailed boy. "This doesn't bother you?" he asked, realizing that aside from a few winces, the boy didn't look half as horrified as he should have.

Ranma shrugged. "Actually, I've taken worse beatings than that" he said, visibly shuddering as the beating stepped up a notch. "Admittedly, not many, but I've had a few worse."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, but decided to let the moment pass without question.

Ranma watched for a few more seconds before his curiosity got the better of him. "What brings you to Nerima anyway?" he asked, scratching an itch that had developed on his left arm.

Shikamaru hesitated for a good thirty seconds, thinking the situation over before deciding to go for broke. "As far as I can tell, we were pulled here through an inter-dimensional portal."

Ranma nodded as if Shikamaru had just told him that the sky was blue and that water was wet. "Huh, interesting. What are you going to do, now that you're here?"

Shikamaru frowned. "Find a way back, hopefully." He paused for a brief second, and then sighed. "Right now though, we have to find some place to stay. Could you take us to an inn of some sort?" he asked, glancing at the still continuing beating. It seemed to be winding down.

Ranma frowned, drawing his eyebrows together in concentration. "Well, there aren't really a lot of inns around Nerima." He closed his eyes in thought, tapping his chin. Suddenly, his eyes flashed open. " I know! I can take you to the Tendos! I'm sure they can put you up in the dojo for a while!" He looked as if he would say more, but then closed his mouth firmly.

Shikamaru was a little surprised that things were turning out relatively well, but decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. "That would be much appreciated. We can pay for room and board or work for our food. Let me just get Naruto and Sakura." He looked over at the heavily panting Sakura and the pile of bloody flesh that used to be Naruto. "Oi, Sakura! Grab Naruto and follow me! We've got a place to stay!"

Sakura nodded and slung Naruto's listless carcass over her shoulders. Ranma glanced toward Ryoga. "You might as well come too, pig-boy."

"Ranma! I told you never to call me that again!" the lost boy yelled, clenching his fists as he tried not to punch Ranma in his smirking face.

"Oh, sorry P-chan." Ranma delivered his parting shot as he walked away, Shikamaru and Sakura following close behind.

Ryoga fumed, but grabbed his pack and umbrella and fixed his gaze on Ranma's back as the small party walked toward the Tendo Dojo.

* * *

Revision 1: Added a scene of explanation as to why Ranma missed Ryoga with the ki blast. An unsigned reviewer pointed out that the way it was written made it seem as though Ranma was deliberately aiming at Sakura. It was not intended at all that way, I simply forgot that readers can't sense intent. I seem to do that a lot. I'm very sorry.

Revision 2: Fixed logical error in Shikamaru's deduction(hopefully). If not, at least gave it more plausibility.

_A.N. Just so there's no confusion, the Naruto crew is transported to the Ranmaverse just before the Hidan/Whatever his partner's name is arc. So Naruto is about 16 going on 17 and Sakura and Shikamaru are approaching 17 if they aren't already. The Ranma universe is about one year post Saffron. So Ranma and Ryoga are 18, I think. If not, just pretend that they are. Also, I'm sorry for the excessive time it took me to finish this chapter. In my defense, I'm really, really lazy and it's a struggle to get the stuff written. I think I average about two paragraphs a day, give or take. Hmmm…I guess that really wasn't in my defense. Whatever. Hope it meets with your satisfaction and remember to give me suggestions on Naruto's prospective girlfriend. NO YAOI PAIRINGS! Not that I have anything against gay guys, I just want them to keep their shame behind closed doors. But I digress. Thanks for reading and leave a review if you're so inclined._

_Oh yes, an explanation of the unorthodox techniques used._

_**Bakusai Tenketsu Revised-Shield of Earth**__: A revision on the normal Bakusai Tenketsu, Ryoga has modified it by using small balls of ki to press breaking points all around him in a rough circular radius, creating an encompassing barrier of earth. The effect is similar to the Bakusai Tenketsu, only multiplied four-fold. An excellent move for defense, as the technique stops cold almost any physical attack or projectile (with the exception of ki blasts or projectiles moving at enormous speeds. Punches and kicks with monstrous force can also get through the barrier) and knocks the attacker away to give the user some breathing room. Four points means that all sides get protected, adding another advantage. It also has the added effect of semi-cloaking the user from view for a brief time, buying a few precious seconds to adjust strategy. The downside to this is that the user is effectively blinded for those few seconds also._

_**Moko Takabisha Revised-Nova Flare**__: A revision to the standard Moko Takabisha, the Nova Flare is more damaging than a regular blast. How much depends on how much ki the user wants to feed into the technique. The technique is used by forming tiny Moko Takabisha at the tip of each finger, then releasing them in groups. Because the blasts are so small, they are exponentially faster, making them very hard to avoid. However, the smaller blasts can be swallowed up by a larger blast, making this a technique you don't want to use on those who know how to counter it. The damage from this technique is dependant on how long the user can keep creating ki blasts and feeding the fire. If you want a visual effect, look at the __Flare__ magic from Final Fantasy VII. It looks similar to that except faster and the little balls explode on contact._

_Until the next time,_

_Kazekagesama23_


	3. Unintentional Brutality

Chapter 3

A.N. Heh, I haven't been very diligent in writing this, what with playing Final Fantasy 8 and 9 and reading the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan. If you like to read fantasy, you want to read these books. They are beyond my capacity to describe accurately. I can't really do them the justice that they so richly deserve. Suffice to say, if you never read a Fantasy title again, read this one. There are 11 books, as of this writing, and I think 12 will be the end of the series. The books are on average 600 pages, so make sure you have a lot of time on your hands before you dive in. Right, that's enough of me rambling about things not related to this story.

* * *

Kasumi glided through the market, her ever-present soft smile and pretty face leaving trails of widely grinning men and smiling women. There was hardly a person in Nerima that didn't like Kasumi, and the few who weren't caught in her thrall still nodded respectfully as she passed.

Stopping at a vendor for some fresh fruits and vegetables, she expertly perused the selections, running a trained eye over the assembled produce. Her delicate hand picked out a few of the greener peppers and some fresh apples, putting them on the varnished wooden board that served as a counter. The man quickly totaled the purchases. "150 yen please, Miss Kasumi" he said, holding out a large hand that looked as if it would be better served hauling boards and beams for a construction company.

"Surely they must be worth more than that…" Kasumi said, reaching into her purse for the money.

"Don't worry over it Miss Kasumi" the man said, smiling widely. "I am hardly so poor that I can't do a good turn for someone so kind." He knew, as most did, that she had given up her dreams of becoming a nurse to care for her father and sisters. They all witnessed how selflessly she cared for her family, both blood and most recently her two houseguests. Her blood family was so used to her taking care of all the household chores that they all took her for granted now.

Kasumi smiled prettily, a heartfelt, glowing smile that made the rough looking vendors heart skip a beat. He blushed, embarrassed that a smile had affected him that much. "Thank you very much then Hoshura-san" she said, placing the money in his hand. "I hope prosperity favors your house." She gave him a small bow.

Hoshura smiled widely, chuckling. "I believe it will Miss Kasumi. Tell your father to stop by some time. He keeps himself holed up in that house so much I could almost believe that he'd turned into a troll. It's been ages since our old crew had been together, almost five years if my memory still serves me well."

Kasumi covered her mouth and giggled at the image of a troll-like Soun, complete with dirty loincloth and hammer. "I will tell him Hoshura-san, when I can find him" she picked up her basket and gently swept the produce into it. "Goodbye, Hoshura-san. I hope your day goes well." With that, she glided on down the road, heading toward the meat vendor's stall.

Hoshura shook his head as he watched her graceful stride as she walked away. When that Doctor Tofu got his head out of the clouds and actually asked Kasumi for a date, he was going to be the luckiest man on earth. The only reason that no one had approached her before was that Tofu had come down swiftly and harshly on the first (and last) unlucky suitor that had asked her for a date. They said that the boy had recovered three months later and still has recurring nightmares to this day. She hadn't actually accepted, of course, but Tofu had felt it necessary to "stake his claim". Never mind that the man couldn't be in the same room with Kasumi without turning into a blithering idiot.

He did know that the man had left Nerima for a long time, and when he returned, he seemed to have a little control over his Kasumi induced madness. Not that he was completely over it, but at least he had stopped dancing with inanimate objects and mangling his poor patients almost beyond repair. Now, a visit from Kasumi would start the man stammering and sweating and looking awfully pale, but they were at least able to hold an intelligent conversation.

Hoshura had a feeling that Kasumi knew about the young doctor's love, or at least suspected it; that girl wasn't half as air-headed as people made her out to be. Being the traditional Japanese woman that she was, she was going to wait for him to make the first move. Whether Hades would freeze over before that happened was the question. Ah well, it wasn't any of his concern anyway.

He turned to greet the customer that was currently perusing his wares. "Hello Mrs. Sakagara! How is your back this fine day? All the kinks worked out I hope? Good, good. I have some very fresh squash here, came in this morning, right off that farm in…"

* * *

In another part of town, a decidedly less venerable group walked down the dusty streets.

"Where are we going again?" Sakura whispered to Shikamaru as she shifted Naruto on her shoulders to get a better grip. They'd been following the pig-tailed boy for almost ten minutes now, and Sakura was getting a little impatient. Her arms were getting sore and her back ached from the strain of carrying Naruto. For a kid that didn't look overly muscular at first glance, he was a lot heavier than she expected.

Shikamaru gave her an annoyed glance as she pulled him out of his contemplations. He'd told her about the dojo four times already, and he wasn't about to tell her a fifth. "Stop asking me that!" he growled, making Sakura flinch back in surprise. Despite the brief respite it bought him, the nagging began again all too soon.

"You know, you've been awfully rude since we've come here Shikamaru! What's gotten into you!" Sakura snapped, glaring an imaginary hole through the back of his head.

Shikamaru sighed in exasperation as he slowed down to walk beside Sakura. "I've been trying to cope with the fact that we may be stranded in another dimension. We all have our different ways of handling it. Now leave me alone and go back to your hissy fit."

Sakura's face reddened dangerously and her veins bulged as she prepared to teach Shikamaru a lesson he would never forget.

"Hey, we're here." The pigtailed boy announced, opening up the front gate and motioning for them to follow. With a visible effort, Sakura calmed her temper and followed the boy inside. There would be time to wreak horrible, screaming vengeance later. For now, they were guests and it would be rude to maul someone in their host's house.

* * *

Tsunade sighed as she processed another stack of the seemingly endless paperwork that Shizune constantly dug up for her. She wondered if it was her assistant's secret goal to torment her with endless bureaucracy or if she was just that unlucky. It was probably her luck. She'd come to terms with the fact that she almost never won a bet, but the siren's call of winning it big still tormented her waking moments. She'd have to see a psychology med-nin, to see if her compulsion could be cured.

Shuffling a particularly boring document to the bottom of the pile, her eyes went to the sake bottle on the corner of her desk hidden behind an exceptionally large pile of papers that were serving more use today then they ever had. If things didn't get more exciting in the next few minutes, that bottle was as good as drunk.

With a loud bang, her door hit the wall and a tall, lanky chuuin rushed in. His face was familiar, but she couldn't quite place him. Ah well, the more important thing was to make sure he remembered not to barge into the Hokage's office unannounced. She took a deep breath, ready to lay into him, but he spoke first, rushing the words so much that they slurred together. "Pardon, Hokage-sama, but there's been some trouble with Naruto that you should know about."

Externally, Tsunade was calmness personified, but inwardly, she was screaming. 'When I said it had better get more exciting I didn't really mean it!' she mentally yelled to any deities that were listening. She cleared her throat and spoke in what she hoped was a level voice. "Has he had another training accident?"

"Well…not really." The man shifted his left foot back and forth absently and Tsunade had a moment of absolute clarity. 'There's only one man I know that has that nervous habit. Hakkage Naron.' Naron had been raised to Chuuin almost ten years ago, but had never advanced beyond it.

A mediocre man, average in intelligence, average in strength, average in ability. He was a good academy instructor, and a reliable teammate, but his lack of the more advanced ninja skills coupled with his complete lack of ambition had kept him off many missions above C rank. Iruka was a close acquaintance to the man, and had recommended to the third Hokage that he be placed in the academy instead of fielded on missions. The Sandaime agreed and the results were very positive. The man was good at engaging children and keeping them focused on their lessons. Out of his classes, there were always at least two teams that made it to the chuuin selection exams and usually, one passed. Overall, not the sort of person that would burst into the Hokage's office unannounced.

There was a long silence and Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "Well?" she asked, with a hint of impatience.

Naron started, and wiped his forehead before continuing. "He's ah…he's disappeared. Our one eyewitness said that he was apparently trying some new jutsu and it backfired spectacularly. Apparently, a glowing blue vortex sucked Naruto, Shikamaru and Sakura into itself, then disappeared."

Tsunade groaned internally. It didn't sound like any jutsu she had ever heard of. That would make this even trickier. "I need to see this eyewitness of yours. Send them to see me immediately." The man bowed to the waist and rushed out of the room.

The Godaime massaged her forehead as she sat back down in her chair. Naruto had always had a knack for getting into trouble, usually with collateral damage. Yet despite all his faults (and there were quite a few) he had an unmatched aura of charisma and a way about him that turned some of the most stubborn minds and drew the most obstinate people behind him.

She pulled a piece of paper off the top of the closest stack and skimmed it while she waited for Naron to send his witness up. Might as well finish a few more pieces in the interval, that stack wouldn't finish itself.

Tsunade glanced at the sake bottle, sitting just out of sight behind the papers and started to reach for it. A little sake would take the edge off her nerves, just the thing she needed right now. She grasped the bottle and started to draw it toward her, then hesitated. On the other hand, she needed all her wits about her to deal with the situation at hand. Her fingers fell off the bottle. But…the sake…it was…calling her. She gave a violent shake of the head. No! For the children's sake, it was best to have a clear mind to deal with the problem. She pushed it back to its hiding place, and not a moment too soon. A soft knock on the door made her start guiltily, and she quickly schooled her features. "Come in!" she shouted, pushing her stacks of paper off to the side to make room for a blank piece that she pulled from a drawer.

The door slid quietly open, and a bowl of indigo hair poked its way inside. "Y..you wanted to see me Hokage-sama?" Hinata asked, cautiously stepping into the large office and shutting the door behind her.

Tsunade chuckled softly. Of course it would be Hinata. The girl hadn't needed much of a reintroduction to Naruto to take up stalking him again. As much as she loved Naruto, she was amazed how clueless the boy was towards women in general. Here was a woman who would do just about anything for him, practically throwing herself at his feet and he didn't appear to notice. The girl had really grown into a looker too. If she wore something other than her customary heavy coat and pants, she'd be sure to have the boys lining up at her door. Though she didn't suspect too many would make it past her father.

Tsunade folded her hands and rested her elbows on her desk as she leaned forward. "Hinata, I need your report on what happened to Naruto and the others. Every bit of it, mind you." She hoped the girl felt at ease in her office. She had mostly stopped her annoying habit of stuttering, but it rose to the surface when she was nervous or apprehensive.

Hinata wrung her hands nervously before beginning her report. "Well, I was just following N..Naruto-kun to um… He was really excited about this new jutsu that he'd learned and he went to show it off…"

* * *

The first thing that Shikamaru noticed upon passing the gates was the sign near the door that read: "To challenge the owner in brutal combat, please use rear entrance" He snorted. It was a good thing Naruto was out of it or he'd probably take the challenge.

Ranma slid open the outer door to the house and gave a loud "Taidama!" as he started to remove his slippers. A short haired girl in a blue dress came rushing out to greet him, seemingly ignoring the guests. She was carrying a tray covered with some unidentifiable blue shapes.

"Ranma! Try these cookies that I made!" she said, shoving the plate into his chest. The pigtailed boy went pale and started sweating nervously, looking from side to side as if calculating escape routes in his head. Shikamaru controlled his expression, managing not to raise his eyebrows in astonishment. Obviously, presentation was not one of the girl's strong suits when it came to cooking. It didn't mean that they weren't edible though.

Ranma backed away quickly. "Will ya stop tryin' ta' poison me with your cooking Akane! Geez, ya'd think after the fifth visit to the hospital, you woulda learned something!"

With a loud "RANMA NO BAKA!" the seemingly slim girl produced a gigantic mallet from no-where and proceeded to pound Ranma into the floor. With her anger partially gone, Akane finally noticed their guests, who were politely sweatdropping as she kicked Ranma a few times for good measure.

"Ah! Excuse me; I didn't know we had guests! Welcome!" She bowed slightly. "I'm Akane Tendo. You are?"

Sakura stepped forward and took charge, dropping Naruto like a sack of grain. "I'm Sakura." She gestured behind her with a small wave. "The one with the vest is Shikamaru and the one on the floor is Naruto. We came here with Ranma."

Akane looked at Naruto's battered body and her brow furrowed in concern. "Ah, does he need some help? Our family doctor is very good, I can take you to see him." Sakura waved dismissively. "No, he's a really fast healer, he'll be fine by this evening." Akane looked dubious, but let the matter rest. She shook her head. "Where are my manners? Would you like some cookies? Something to drink?"

Sakura looked at the plate of cookies. "Sure, I'll have some cookies. Ranma must have been exaggerating. You probably just used too much food coloring." Akane nodded, then pulled out a little tablet notebook and wrote 'Too much food coloring'

Ranma was suddenly back on his feet, as if he hadn't been beaten within an inch of his life. "Don't do it! You'll die! You don't know the horrors…!" He was cut off abruptly as Akane malleted him back onto the floorboards. "Shut up Ranma!" she yelled. She gestured eagerly toward the plate of cookies. "Go ahead! Try one!"

Sakura grabbed one off the top of the plate and took a bite, chewing it thoroughly before swallowing. Akane watched her with anticipation. "Well? How are they?"

Sakura shrugged then raised the cookie for another bite. "They're a little dry but they taste alright to me." Halfway to her mouth, her hand paused, the cookie dropping from her suddenly unresponsive fingers. She clutched her stomach as her face turned red, then purple, then white, then blue, then back to red again. She staggered weakly toward the door, but couldn't quite make it as she emptied the contents of her stomach onto the floor of the entryway.

Raising her head weakly, she muttered "Why? What did I ever do to you…?" before she fell to the ground, moaning weakly and holding her stomach. Desperately, she tried to use her healing techniques, but the pain was disrupting her thoughts so much that she couldn't concentrate. Shikamaru slowly put the cookie that he had been about to bite into back down, thanking whatever deities of luck he could think of and a few he couldn't that he hadn't taken a bite of his cookie.

"Oh great, now you've killed one of our guests Akane" Ranma said, rushing over to scoop up Sakura. "I'm gonna to take her to Doctor Tofu, does anyone want to come with me?"

Shikamaru nodded his head. "I'd better go, she'll need someone she knows." Ranma gave a curt nod, then turned to face the rest. "Anyone else?" Akane raised her hand as she blushed furiously. "I..I'll come too…I…it's my fault." Ranma shrugged and made a motion with his hand. "Fine. Ryoga, grab what's his name on the floor there and follow me."

Ryoga bared his teeth. "Don't tell me what to do, Ranma."

Akane turned to look at him pleadingly. "Please Ryoga?" Ryoga had less chance than an ice cube in July of resisting that look. His defenses crumbled instantly and he fumbled his saving throw so badly that it injured his other party members. "Ah, of course Akane…" he stammered, hoisting Naruto up onto his shoulders.

Ranma bounded out the door and onto the rooftops, Ryoga close behind him. Akane stomped her foot in exasperation. "The least he could do was stay on the ground so we could go with him!" She sighed, wearily. "Ah well, I know the way, follow me…Shimaru?" she asked quizzically, already walking away.

"Shikamaru" he corrected, forcing his feet to trail her. He could have followed the other two, but walking was a lot less troublesome.

* * *

_A.N. Yay! Another chapter finished! I'm so proud of me. Although this one is shorter. I'll try to get started on the next one as soon as possible. I warn you though, most of the time, I don't actually enjoy writing. But I'll try and get the next one out in a reasonable timeframe. There's a 90 percent chance that the next chapter will have Sailor Moon in it. Ah, teenage girls in ridiculously short skirts doing stupid poses to try and impress Youma. Was there ever better comic relief? If so, keep it to yourself. So, until next time, reviews are always appreciated, constructive criticism is never taken lightly. Thanks in advance._

_Kazekagesama23_


	4. Healing Hands & Demons

Chapter 4

A.N. Holy snap that took a lot longer than I wanted. Also, apparently I lied. There will be no Sailor Moon in this chapter. I want the Sailor Moon intro to be a chapter opener, and I can't do it this chapter. Well, not without hopping around the flow of the story like a spastic kangaroo. And I can't do that, obviously. Thank you to all the people who took a few seconds to review, it makes writing another chapter that much easier. You know who you are.

* * *

Doctor Tofu Ono was, though not many suspected, a very busy man. Aside from his moderately successful chiropractic clinic, which took up a good portion of his day, his every other waking moment was devoted to practicing the meditation techniques that he had learned from a wandering monk.

Actually, hermit was a more accurate descriptor; the old man was nothing like a monk. He'd stumbled across the man one day, while wandering the wilds of China in a desperate search for something to help him face his Kasumi induced problems. Having come upon a shack in the middle of the forest, he had decided to stop for the day, and see if the residents would let him stay the night.

_Tofu knocked on the door, adjusting his headband that he had taken to wearing while traveling through the hotter areas of the vast continent. "Come on in…" a deep voice muttered from the inside. Pushing open the door, Tofu quietly stepped into the small cabin, taking a second to make a furtive sweep of the room. The place was almost completely bare, a large bed being the most prominent feature. _

_A broad shouldered man with long, spiky white hair sat in the fading light of the evening sun that was streaming through a small window, drawing something that he couldn't make out. Tofu cleared his throat, and the man looked up, revealing a moderately good-looking face with odd markings around his eyes. Tofu took a deep breath. "Ah, I was wondering if I could make use of this cabin, just for the night." _

_The other man gave a barking laugh. "Well, it isn't my cabin. Go ahead." He paused for a few seconds, then stood up abruptly. "You'll have to roll out a bed on the floor though, I'm not sharing the bed with a guy." Tofu nodded amiably. 'First come, first served I suppose' he thought, dropping his pack to the floor and pulling the single chair over to him. He noted that the man was taller than him by almost a head._

"_I'm Tofu Ono." he said as he lowered himself onto the chair. The other man nodded. "Jiraiya" he said in a deep voice, dropping back down to the floor and pushing his pen and papers off to the side as he made himself comfortable._

_Tofu nodded. "So Jiraiya-san, what brings you out into this lonely stretch of forest?" _

_Jiraiya shrugged dismissively. "I brought my latest pupil out here to teach him some of my more…difficult…techniques. This area seemed as good a place as any abandoned stretch of land." Tofu nodded as he leaned forward in interest. "Techniques, eh? Are you a martial artist then?" _

_Jiraiya chuckled wryly. "You might say that…" He looked pointedly at Tofu. "You're an accomplished martial artist too. You move too fluidly to be a civilian." Tofu paused in the middle of undoing his headband to scratch his head sheepishly. "Well, you've got me there. It's been a long time since I had to use my skills though."_

_Jiraiya leaned forward to stare at Tofu. "What's your specialty? Hand to hand? Distance? Weapons? Chakr…ah Ki?"_

"_Well, most of my skills involve pressure points and precise hits to vital areas." Tofu explained as he leaned back in his chair. "Ki abilities?" Jiraiya pressed, steepling his hands. "Well, not really, unless you count forming knives of ki on my hands. And general use of ki for reflex enhancement." _

"_Like Kabuto…" Jiraiya muttered, leaning back and staring at a wall. "Like who?" Tofu asked in bewilderment. Jiraiya shook his head. "No-one important, just an enemy I've fought in the past." He focused his gaze on Tofu again. "Would you like to spar with my pupil? Kid could use some lessons in finesse; he's all power, no grace. I'll give you some of my novels as payment."_

_Tofu thought for a second, but it really wasn't a hard decision. He wasn't under any time constraint after all, and maybe he could learn a few things while sparring with the kid. "Sure" he said, reaching over to grasp the bigger man's hand and giving it a firm shake. "You really don't have to pay me though. I'd do it for free."_

_Jiraiya pulled a few books out of his bag. "Nah, take 'em, these'll be a collectors item some day."_

_Tofu took the books with his free hand, glancing at the cover as he did. 'Come Come Paradise?' he thought. The cover showed a laughing, scantily clad woman being chased by a young man. 'Romance novels. Not my thing really, but I can at least humor him.' He flipped open to a random page, intending to skim it and pretend he was reading. What he saw turned his face red to the tips of his ears. When the old man had said 'novel', he had assumed it was words, not pictures._

_He was no stranger to sexuality, having been quite the ladies man in his college days, but the pure smut that was displayed on the page before him had him blushing like a high school girl. 'Two…Four…Nine women? I don't think that's physically possible…!' He shut the book quickly, afraid that his head would explode from the sheer quantities of blood rushing to it._

_Jiraiya grinned toothily. "You like it? That one's my finest work. I paid dearly for every scrap of material." He winced as he recalled getting caught at the women's baths by Tsunade. He hadn't been able to walk for a week after that, and the old hag refused to heal him. Old hag though she was inside, her younger woman disguise was really hot. And he'd gotten a good look at that. Served her right._

_Tofu cleared his throat. "It's uh…it's very…detailed…" Jiraiya chuckled wryly. "Ain't it though? I always say, don't do something if you aren't going to do it right."_

_Tofu desperately looked for something to change the subject. "Um…you said you had a student?" Jiraiya nodded lazily. "Yeah, I sent the kid off to practice. He's probably deforesting a sizeable chunk of the landscape right now. One thing about that kid, he's loud. You'll be able to tell when he gets back." As if prompted by his words, the door hit the wall with a loud bang._

"_I'm back, dattebayo!" yelled a short, blond haired boy who rushed in the doorway. He saw Tofu and his eyes crinkled. "Oi, Ero-sennin who's this?" he said, gesturing toward the bemused Doctor. Tofu politely held back a laugh. 'Ero-sennin? Well, from what I've seen so far, that seems about right.'_

_Jiraiya flew to his feet in indignation. "Naruto! How many times have I told you not to call me that!" Naruto snorted. "Yeah, whatever Ero-sennin. You still didn't answer my question."_

_The older man glowered, but gave a long-suffering sigh. "This is Tofu Ono. He'll be instructing you for a few days." Naruto gave Tofu a second look, more searching. His eyebrows drew together skeptically. "He doesn't look like a shinobi…" Jiraiya's grin was pure mischievousness as he gave a sidelong glance to Tofu. The doctor nodded and in one smooth motion was out of the chair and flowing under Naruto's hasty and sloppy defensive punch. In the space of a second, he tapped pressure points in the boy's arms legs and neck. _

"_Ack!" Like a puppet with it's strings cut Naruto fell bonelessly to the ground staring up in amazement at Tofu. "Wha…How did you do that?" he asked. Tofu shrugged. "Just the most basic of pressure points. Nothing special really." Jiraiya was nonplussed, but quickly regained his composure. _

"_Naruto! This is why you need to work on your technique! You need to learn more effective Taijutsu so that faster opponents won't spin you in circles! Strength is good but strength that is not properly applied does nothing!" 'Although' the old hermit thought wryly, 'this Tofu is a lot better than I expected. Definitely a close combat specialist. I'd most likely win, but he'd give me a run for my money. "My skills are a little rusty", ha!'_

_As Tofu hit the counter points to free Naruto from his paralysis, Jiraiya stood and stretched. "Well, it's getting late. I, for one, am going to get some rest." The Sannin walked over to the bed and collapsed on it. "You two are free to stay up and talk if you want, but I'm going to sleep." With that, he rolled over and in a few moments was making soft snoring noises that soon turned into the quiet of deeper sleep._

_Naruto stood and stretched on surprisingly steady legs. "So, you're gonna be teaching me?" he asked Tofu, shaking his leg out a few times to restore feeling. Tofu shrugged, indifferently. "If you don't object. Maybe I can learn a few things from you too." Naruto nodded. "I'll teach you my super original jutsu! I can take out Jounins and Hokages with it!" Tofu nodded politely. 'What's a Jounin? Or a Hokage for that matter?'_

_The doctor turned back to his bag and unwrapped the sleeping bag that was strapped to the top. "All that can wait for tomorrow" he told Naruto as he laid out his bag and grabbed his pillow from a side pouch. "Your master is right. We should get some sleep." Naruto snorted. "Pheh, he's not my master. Just my teacher." He snatched his pack lying in the corner and grabbed an orange colored sleeping bag and pillow out of the inside. _

_Tofu winced. 'Kid must really love orange.' He thought, as Naruto grabbed some dull red fox pajamas out of a side pouch, completing the eye-piercing ensemble._

_With a quick check to see if Naruto had finished setting up, he blew out the solitary candle on the small table and blanketed the room in darkness. Soon, the darkened cabin was silent, save for the soft cry of a night bird that had made it's nest on the roof._

* * *

The next few days had passed quickly, and Tofu had ended up staying almost a week. Naruto had shown him his "super original jutsu" which had ended up being a distraction technique. It entailed shaping the ki around you to mimic a form, which in Naruto's case had been a naked, busty young woman.

Definitely a distraction technique.

Tofu wasn't certain if it would take out these "Jounins" or "Hokages" but there was one thing that was certain. It would be a great move for taking out perverts.

The more similar the henge form to your own, the less chakra it took to make the change. It hadn't taken long for Tofu to learn it, although he couldn't get the puff of smoke down that heralded Naruto's change. On the third day, he'd fine-tuned the jutsu to mimic the shape of a nondescript young man in a business suit and a close approximation of Kasumi's form (clothed of course).

'_This has a lot of potential as a disguise technique.' Tofu mused. He'd have to see what other people he could mimic later. The rest of the time was spent teaching Naruto the basics of pressure point manipulation and how to move more fluidly._

_On the fourth day, after he had decided to extend his stay, Jiraiya approached him as he was moving through a kata. Finishing the last steps, Tofu turned to face the taller man, wiping off a thin sheen of sweat that had collected on his forehead. "Is there something I can help you with, Jiraiya-san?" he asked politely, noting the determined set of the other man's features._

_Jiraiya shrugged, absently running a hand through his spiky hair. "It just occurred to me that you haven't explained why __you __are out here in the middle of the woods. Since I've already told you my purpose, care to enlighten me to yours?" Tofu nodded. "Fair enough." The old hermit listened intently as Tofu explained his problems with Kasumi._

_When he was finished, Tofu sat down on the grass. "I don't know if I'll ever find a solution to my problem, but I had to try. A battle may be won or lost no matter how hard you try, but the battle that is never fought is surely lost."_

_Jiraiya adopted the thinker's pose. "Hmmmm…interesting. I may be able to…no, it might not work." Tofu jumped to his feet, uncharacteristic eagerness making him fidget where he stood. "You can help me?"_

_Jiraiya appeared even more indecisive as he tapped his fingers on his chin. "Well…I do have some scrolls that I took off an assassin. It details a meditation exercise that is supposed to help with single mindedness. I didn't read it too well, but it helps the ninja make a swifter kill on their target and ignore all other background distractions. I think that if you focus on this Kasumi of yours and repeat a mantra that dulls her influence…Well, it might not work anyway."_

_Tofu shook his head resolutely. "Well, even if it doesn't work, I have to try."_

_That having been decided, Tofu spent three hours every day from that point onward practicing his technique. The real test would come when he next met Kasumi, and prove the technique a success or a failure. The technique, as it turned out, was to create a ball of tranquility inside of him and bar all negative emotions out of it, focusing only on the sereneness. The original technique called for a void, but Jiraiya had said that it made him cold as ice to talk to. He had to agree. When he created the void, his voice got flat and cold, almost menacing. Tranquility allowed him to keep most of his normal voice, the only side effect being a slightly softer tone._

_The real test, two years later when he had returned from his wanderings had worked almost as good as Tofu could have expected. The first meeting with Kasumi had set a ball of ice in his stomach, hoping against all hope for success. His first glimpse of her beautiful face sent madness skittering like drops of grease on a frying pan across the outside of his ball of tranquility, but he ruthlessly kept it outside. It jumped and chattered, banging against the walls of its invisible hindrance, and it was all he could do to hold it back. The stress must have shown on his face, for Kasumi worriedly felt his forehead, to see if he was running a fever. He told her that he was fine, but she insisted on seating him in a chair and preparing a hot bowl of soup for him._

Now, little by little he was gaining a little more control over his madness. It was easier and easier to hold it out each day, and he guessed that within a year's time, he would be able to do the technique almost without thinking. And then…he might be able to ask her for a date. That errant thought almost sent him spiraling into insanity, but he formed his center just in time.

'But that's neither here nor now' he thought as he walked his elderly patient to the door. Mr. Gasuada had chronic back problems that required weekly adjustments. "Now, I want you to take it easy on your back" he said, wagging a finger admonishingly. "Rest often, if you need to, and for goodness sakes stay away from heavy lifting!"

The old man mumbled something that sounded like assent, but Tofu had a feeling he'd be seeing the old coot again before the week was out.

Shaking his head, Tofu turned back into the building.

Pulling his appointment sheet from the wall, he idly scanned it as he walked to his office, where he had a pot of hot water boiling for tea. As he dropped the tea leaves into the cup, he settled back into his chair with a sigh. He had about a half hour of calm before his next appointment and he meant to spend it relaxing and soothing his tired muscles.

He raised the cup to his lips, taking a small sip and grimacing at the weak taste. The tea leaves hadn't properly steeped themselves yet. Setting it back on his desk, he opened his next patient's information folder.

"Hey, Doc! I need your help!" Ranma's loud voice rang through the small office, making Tofu sigh and drop the folder back onto his desk.

"I'll be there shortly Ranma!" he shouted as he grabbed his tape and gauze. It was most likely some training accident or someone getting a little overzealous in their fight. If he could only count the number of times Ranma should be hospitalized for blunt cranial trauma alone… That boy was fortunate his body was so resilient. Akane's temper, combined with the other trials that he faced every day could have killed a lesser man a thousand times over.

Tofu entered the small waiting area with a brisk, though unhurried stride. Ranma was there, carrying some pink-haired girl in his arms. Ryoga stood behind him, a boy in orange slung over his back. He gave a start. That was Naruto! Though he was older and taller. What on earth was he doing here? Ranma's voice drew the boy back to Tofu's attention.

"Hey Doc, we had an incident with some of Akane's cookies. This girl" he hefted the pink haired girl a little "needs some help fast. She's passed out, thankfully, but she still needs your help."

Doctor Tofu winced. Akane could be a very sweet girl (sometimes), but four years of cooking lessons from Kasumi hadn't improved her at all. Well, there was some improvement. At least they weren't potentially deadly anymore. They'd still give you the most painful stomachache you ever had, but normally your system would flush the toxins within a few hours.

He gestured through the open door of the examination room to the tables that were set up for the patients. "Put her on one of those tables, I'll get the herbs." Tofu was thankful that he had accidentally discovered a mixture of herbs that seemed to be the antidote for whatever common factor ruined all of Akane's cooking. He now kept a large jar of the powdered mixture handy for Ranma's visits.

Filling a glass with some water from the faucet in his small kitchen area, he opened the large jar. Two spoonfuls of the vile looking puce colored mixture went in the glass. Tofu regretted that the mixture tasted about as bad as it looked, but it was an effective cure.

Mixing the concoction with a handy spoon, Tofu made his journey back to the clinic area. "Alright, time to open up!" he said, pressing the "instant alertness" pressure point (known to others as the "Ow, that hurts like a mother f-er" pressure point). The girl's eyes shot open, and almost as fast she clutched her stomach, moaning piteously.

Tofu held the glass in front of the girl's lips. "I need you to drink this. It will help your stomach." The girl latched onto the glass like it was her last hope of survival, greedily guzzling the vile tasting contents. She choked and sputtered a little as the taste caught up with her, but she fell back onto the table, her eyes closing in the relief of sleep.

Tofu quietly left the room. She'd sleep for about an hour, and wake up feeling none the worse for her traumatic experience. Now he needed to ask Ranma some questions.

* * *

The scene Tofu walked into in the waiting area wasn't what he had expected, but somehow, it wasn't surprising.

Akane was yelling at Ranma, berating him for leaving her behind. Ranma was yelling at her, making comments on her bust, femenity, and anger management issues. Ryoga, still carrying Naruto, was making death threats to Ranma and yelling how he'd avenge Akane. The fourth party, a slim boy, was standing off to the side, rubbing his forehead and muttering something about "troublesome".

Tofu cleared his throat, loud enough to interrupt the squabbling pair. Ranma paused mid insult, his open mouth frozen in a comical expression.

Tofu ran a stern eye over the assembled group. "Now, who wants to tell me what's going on?"

* * *

_A.N. You're probably all wondering: "Why was Jiraiya in the Ranma-verse?!" Relax. There is a semi-logical explanation for this that will fall into place in later chapters. I can't give it away now, because I really want you all to be like, "Oooooh. I get it." Be patient. Also, if any of you have read Wheel of Time, it will be pretty obvious that I'm drawing heavily on it for some of the more complicated concepts. _

_Below are some definitions of some Japanese terms used that I think sound better than their English counterparts._

_Ero-sennin – It means: "Perverted Hermit" Naruto calls Jiraiya this despite his repeated attempts to get him to stop. A fairly accurate modifier if you give it two seconds thought._

**Also, the question has come up, **_"If Ryoga could use the speed technique to save Sakura, why doesn't he use it to give him an edge in battles? Making him faster, combined with his strength would be a deadly combination."_

**Answer: The speed technique is one-dimensional. It doesn't boost Ryoga's overall speed or agility; it merely allows him to cross short distances quickly in a straight line. Think of an arrow. If you tried to redirect it, it would lose most of it's momentum and thus it's piercing power. It's the same with the speed technique. Attempting turns would bleed off all the momentum and slow you considerably, negating your speed increase. Also, a miss with this technique greatly expands the window that you opponent has to counterattack because you must concentrate on stopping your forward momentum. Finally, use of the technique for extended periods of time causes significant damage to the leg muscles making it useful only for short bursts. **


	5. On The Home Front

Chapter 5

A.N. It's time for another self-promotional author's note! I seriously think these things exist just to sate the writer's ego if he doesn't get that many reviews. Although I try not to bore you too much. These things are pretty much whatever is in my mind at the time, which may or may not contain the following: Randomness, More Randomness, whatever I'm doing at that particular moment…or orange flying attack porcupines. Although I guess that last one counts as randomness. On rare occasions, I might actually insert something relevant. I gotta cut this off before I make it longer than the body of the story.

* * *

Tofu leaned back in his chair and gave the children seated in front of his desk a searching look. His intense scrutiny made Akane fidget in her seat, her hands unconsciously fluttering as she tried to look him in the eye.

"So, to recap what you've just told me, Naruto, Sakura and uh…"

"Shikamaru." The thin boy frowned grumpily. Was it really that hard to remember?

Tofu continued as if he hadn't paused. "…and Shikamaru came through some kind of…inter-dimensional portal? And now they need to get back?"

He frowned briefly. 'If they're from another dimension, how did Naruto and Jiraiya get here? It sounds like Naruto bringing them here was an accident, so Jiraiya must know some kind of inter-dimensional travel technique…'

Deciding that was best left for later, Tofu returned to the matter at hand. "Well, I've never heard of something like this before" he admitted, shaking his head. "I'll look through all my books and manuscripts, but don't expect too much."

The thin bo-'no, Shikamaru' Tofu corrected in his head, gave a curt nod. "Anything you can do will be greatly appreciated."

Tofu took a sip of his neglected tea and found that the leaves had finally steeped sufficiently, but the tea was now cold. He thought hard for a moment, then snapped his fingers in recollection.

"Ah! Have you tried asking Cologne or Happosai? They'll probably know the most about some obscure or legendary technique."

Ranma slapped his forehead.

"Man! I can't believe I didn't think of that! Not that we've had time to anyway, but I should have known! Thanks Doc!" He clapped the older man on the shoulder.

Shikamaru shifted in his seat, adjusting the straps on his Chunin vest where they were digging into his side. "How's Sakura doing? She seemed pretty bad when we brought her here."

Tofu waved a placating hand, indicating the small girl sleeping on one of the examination tables. "She's just sleeping, the herbs should have calmed her stomach by now and she should be awake within the hour." He realized to his chagrin that he had completely forgotten about Naruto. "Does Naruto need any help? He looked pretty beat up when I…" He trailed off as he saw Naruto's unconscious form lying across two chairs that had been pushed together.

The boy's wounds had almost completely healed! The worst injury, a massive purple bruise over his right temple was almost gone, only a slightly purple spot on the skin said that there had been anything there.

"How…?!" he realized his mouth was hanging open, and quickly pushed it back into place with his left hand. "What kind of healing factor can heal someone so quickly?! Even Ranma doesn't have that kind of recovery ability!"

"Hey now…" Ranma grumped, crossing his arms in annoyance.

"I mean, the quickest I've ever seen Ranma heal is one day! This is on a totally different level!"

Ranma waved a hand at Tofu. "Right here! Don't talk over my head!"

"I've got to learn how he achieved such a vastly superior healing ability at such a young age!"

"Hey! Still here!" Ranma internally fumed. There was no way that this Naruto kid could have a better recovery time than him. He must have cheated somehow. Well, Ranma was going to get to the bottom of this no matter what it took.

Tofu shook his head slightly. "Listen to me babble like an idiot." He glanced over at Shikamaru who had completely stretched out and propped his feet on Tofu's desk. "Can you tell me why Naruto has such a miraculous healing ability?"

"Snerk…huh?" Shikamaru's eyes popped open and he sleepily rubbed them as he dropped his feet to the floor and sat up straight. "What was the question again?"

Tofu controlled his violently twitching left eye by sheer force of will and calmly repeated his question.

Shikamaru covered a yawn with his hand. "Naruto's recovery abilities? I'm sorry, but you'll have to ask him that yourself. I'm not at liberty to reveal that for him."

Tofu frowned. He wanted to know now, but as the only responsible adult present, he wasn't about to press the issue like some immature…

"Oi! Why can't you tell us?!" Tofu came a fingers width from smacking his forehead, but luckily for his "calm, reasonable doctor" image, he merely held it at rubbing his temples. Of course Ranma would jump in like that. The boy was as quick with his mouth as he was on his feet and that too swift by half.

Shikamaru's eyebrows drew together in a frown. "It's very personal information. Naruto's been living with the stigma of his…"abilities"…for as long as he's been alive. That's why I'm not going to tell you."

Tofu sighed heavily. "None of this is getting us anywhere. Ryoga, go wake Naruto up."

The lost boy gave a start at the unexpected attention. No one had been talking to him, so he had leaned against one of the walls and was covertly sneaking glances at Akane. "Ah, sure…" he said, levering himself off of the wall. Stepping over to Naruto, he gave the boy a shake. "Wakey, wakey."

Naruto groaned, curling up into a tight ball. "Gimme five more minutes…" he mumbled.

Ryoga gave the boy a harder shake. "Come on, get up! We need to talk to you."

Naruto muttered something unintelligible and curled up tighter. Tofu shook his head. "Ranma, go get me a bucket of cold water."

Naruto's eyes shot open and he sat up so fast he almost fell off his precarious position. "Wahhh! I'm up, I'm up!" The chairs wobbled unsteadily. "Woaaaahh!" Naruto flailed his arms in a desperate attempt to keep his balance, then finally regained it. He wiped his forehead. "Whew…that was close." With a loud crack, the legs of the chair he was sitting in snapped, dumping the startled boy to the floor.

Tofu sighed again. 'Well, I was planning to replace those anyway. I'll just have to do it a lot sooner.' Watching the boy stand up gingerly, he thought with a certain amount of perverse satisfaction that at least the chair's sacrifice hadn't been in vain. "Naruto, I need to ask you some questions."

Naruto looked up from his undignified position on the floor and his face widened in a toothy grin. "Hey, Tofu-sensei! How are you?"

Tofu shook his head. "I'm doing fine, Naruto. Listen, I need to know how you got such a miraculous healing ability. Your wounds closed up practically in front of my eyes."

Naruto winced. "Uh, I'd rather not tell you about that if it's okay Tofu-sensei. It's kinda…personal."

Shikamaru snorted from his chair. "Told you so…" he muttered under his breath.

Naruto looked around the small room. "Hey, where's Sakura-chan?"

Tofu indicated the girl's sleeping form. "She's currently resting. She'll be up in about half an hour. "Now, why don't you tell me how your training went while we're waiting?"

* * *

Tsunade massaged her temples as she looked over her notes. Hinata had tried to be helpful, but she still knew about as much as she did before. 'As much as I hate to admit it, we could really use Orochimaru's knowledge of obscure jutsu right about now.'

She'd even accept Jiraiya right now. Not that it would be too much of a burden. Despite the old lechers perverted ways, she still had a soft spot for the wayward Sannin.

Grumbling about perverted old men, she uncorked the sake bottle that was sitting behind her ever-present stack of papers and took a deep pull. She burped appreciatively. Wherever that wine-seller had found this stuff, it was top notch. She'd have to give him more business.

She looked at the single sheet of paper that stood alone in the middle of her desk. Only one thing to do. "SHIZUNE!" she bellowed. The Hokage tower rattled a little at the volume of her shout and a roosting flock of birds took off in a cloud of feathers.

Shizune came running into her office, her perpetual folder of documents clutched to her chest. "H..hai, Tsunade-sama?"

Tsunade waved the hand with the sake bottle. "I need you to put out the word around Konoha. I need to see Jiraiya. Tell him to get his butt over here." And a fine butt it was too. She wasn't so old that she couldn't appreciate some of the finer things in life. For a man that was fifty years old, only the creases that were developing around his eyes said that he was anything more than thirty. She took another pull on the rapidly emptying sake. Of course, the man still acted like a horny teenager.

"Tsunade-sama! You shouldn't be drinking at this time of day! Besides, there are still those festival proposals and the upcoming Chunin exams preparations!" Shizune's face was an odd blend of righteous indignation and weary forbearance.

Tsunade waved a dismissive hand. "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. It takes more than a little sake to get me drunk." She stood up, only swaying a little. "Now, I've got an appointment with the council. Gotta see what those fools want this time." Finishing the sake in one large gulp, she absently threw the bottle into a corner and stalked out into the hall. The council had better keep the meeting short. She was wasting valuable time that could be spent getting drunk.

* * *

Hyuuga Hinata was not in the best of moods. The love of her life, Uzumaki Naruto was gone again and this time there was no telling where. Add that to the fact that she was beginning her menstrual cycle and the house servants stayed well clear of the normally docile girl.

As she stalked through the halls of the Hyuuga house, Hinata seethed quietly inside. She needed something to hit. Unfortunately for Neji, he happened to be in the hall at the same time.

She stopped him with an upraised hand. "Neji, fight me!" she said, her eyes flashing with barely contained fire. The normally unflappable Neji shied away from the pure rage in the smaller girl's eyes.

"Ah, fight you, H..Hinata-sama?" He cursed internally as his voice broke involuntarily. He was Hyuuga Neji! He didn't cower before girls that were half his size! Gathering the tattered remains of his dignity, he addressed the situation in a manner befitting an ice cold Hyuuga.

"Hiashi-sama wanted me to see him in his office. I was on my way to see him now. I'll have to fight you later." He calmly brushed past the irate girl and glided on down the hall, proving once again that Hyuugas can look dignified at all times, even when they're running like frightened squirrels.

Hinata growled and punched a nearby wall. The unfortunate area never stood a chance. Plaster and bits of paint flaked off the wall, settling in a messy pile on the floor.

'Stupid Naruto-kun! Why did you have to go off like that again! When you get back here I'm going to kiss you, then punch you in the face!' her face flushed red with anger and embarrassment. Suddenly she had a disturbing thought. 'Oh, but what if he's hurt?! What if he never gets back?!' Hinata swayed on her feet as she tried to wrap her mind around that horrifying thought.

No. Naruto-kun was going to come back and that was that. And she was going to make sure he never left her sight again if she had to tie him to a chair.

* * *

A.N. For those of you who think: "Hinata's acting way out of character!" You're right, she is. But she's trying to cope with the fact that Naruto might not come back and also has to deal with that PMS rage that most women get. I have it on good authority that most women become snappish and irrational when they get their period. Hence, Hinata's not quite herself. And if she thinks Naruto not coming back is bad, wait until he does come back. Oh the things I have planned… Hehhehheh HahahahHAH BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! –Ahem- Excuse my evilness. Now, don't get me wrong I like Hinata. I really do. She's my favorite female character and I usually try to get things going her way. But this time, she's gonna get the short end of the stick, no matter how much it pains me. I've said too much. Forget what you heard and I won't be forced to kill you all in your sleep. As always, reviews are appreciated, constructive criticism is never taken lightly, and flames are really pointless. I mean, it's already apparent I have no shame. So your flames will bounce off a hardened shell of apathy.

Until next time,

Kazekagesama23


	6. Bending Coincidence Rev 2

Another Fine Mess 6

A.N. Wow, this is incredibly late. I wanted to do another scene, but I decided to release this unfinished so that I wouldn't prolong it another week. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

"So, who was that guy again?" Shikamaru asked Naruto as they followed the rest of the group back to the Tendo Dojo.

Naruto rolled his shoulders as he walked, loosening up the kinks that had developed. "That was Tofu-sensei. When I was on my training trip with Ero-sennin, we met him in some woods. He taught me some pressure point techniques."

Shikamaru's eyebrows nearly shot past his hairline. "Pressure points? Naruto 'Wrecking Ball' Uzumaki using pressure points?! I'll believe that when I see it."

As soon as the words left his mouth, Shikamaru cursed his foolishness. He might as well scream, "Come on! Try and take me down!" He subtly changed his center of gravity and shifted his weight to the front of his feet, ready to dodge at a moments notice.

As he suspected, Naruto jumped for him, his fox grin plastered across his face. Shikamaru was already starting to move out of the way, blurring to the side in one easy motion. To his surprise, Naruto pushed a little chakra out of his feet and turned on a dime, rocketing toward his new position.

Shikamaru cursed silently and brought his arms up in what he knew would be a useless attempt to block. To his chagrin, he was proven right as Naruto slipped under his hasty defenses easily, stabbing his fingers into Shikamaru's chest and arms.

Naruto smirked as Shikamaru lost all body control below his neck. "How's that for pressure points?" He grinned as Shikamaru glared balefully up from his position on the ground.

"Very funny. Now reverse this."

Naruto was still grinning as he hit the counterpoints, freeing Shikamaru from paralysis. Shikamaru circulated his chakra through his body's pressure points, further cleansing the effects of the paralysis from his system. That had been a useful trick that he had learned from Asuma-sensei.

The rest of the group had stopped and were watching the proceedings with thinly veiled amusement. Well, all but one.

"Naruto, Shikamaru, stop fooling around back there! The next time you guys start fighting like that we're going to leave you here!"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Yes mother…"

Naruto smirked. "Heh, if you keep acting like that, I'll be calling you Granny Sakura before you're 30." He cringed as Sakura raised a chakra infused fist. "Just kidding! Joke! It's a joke!" He backed away as Sakura got closer. "Sakura-chan! Calm down for a minute!" His efforts at pacification were for naught as the avenging pinkette pounced on him.

Naruto went down with a cry of; "Not the face! Not the face!"

Ranma chuckled. "Akane, I think you and Sakura are going to get along just fine."

Akane bristled. "What's that supposed to mean!" Ranma was introduced to the side wall of a nearby house courtesy of mallet-sama. Ranma spit out a chunk of concrete. "Geez, talk about proving my point you uncute tomboy!"

As suddenly as it had started, all fighting stopped as they became aware of eight girls standing on top of a nearby wall. Ryoga had a spontaneous nosebleed as he became aware that his vantage point from the ground gave him a perfect view up the already short fuku dresses.

A shorthaired girl in a blue fuku looked up from where she was typing on an apparently free-floating laptop computer. "This is the place where the computer is sensing demonic energy Sailor Moon," she said as her fingers flew over the keys. "Starting individual scanning to determine origin." A slightly taller girl in a pure white fuku nodded. "Got it Mercury!" She threw out her arm in a mostly superfluous gesture.

"Demons can't be left to run around and work their evil plans! I am the pretty soldier Sailor Moon and in the name of the moon I will punish you!" Sailor Moon finished her speech in a ridiculous looking position. Ranma burst out laughing.

"What is this, the tryouts for the school play? What's with the stupid pose?" Sailor Moon seethed as the rude, nasty, (yet admittedly very good-looking) boy taunted her speech, her pose, and her outfit. Why did the cute ones always have to be evil? She was preparing to dish out some divine retribution when the girl by his side hammered him into the ground with a truly enormous mallet. Etched on the side in blood red were the words, 'Bone Grinder 3000 R-Series'. Usagi winced in spite of herself. That had to hurt.

"Ranma! Stop being rude to the Sailor Senshi!" Akane ground her foot into Ranma's much-abused head. She turned back to look at the Sailor Senshi who were all sporting giant sweatdrops. Her eyes glittering, she pulled out a full sized poster of Sailor Venus. Walking over to the bemused Senshi, she timidly held out the poster and a pen to Sailor Venus. "Um, can I get an autograph, please? I'm a huge fan of yours…"

The most energetic of the Senshi nodded cheerily, taking the pen. "Sure! I'd be happy to!" With a flourish, Venus uncapped the pen and signed her name at the bottom left corner of the poster.

Akane took the photo back eagerly, clutching it to her chest. "Thank you so much!" she gushed, hugging the rolled up poster.

Shikamaru cleared his throat, startling the Senshi who hadn't noticed him until he spoke up. "I just have one question," he said, cocking his head to the side. "Did a group of pedophiles design those outfits or what?"

The Senshi sweatdropped even more heavily and Akane blushed in embarrassment. Usagi scratched her head. "Hey Mars, what's a pedophile?" The Senshi of fire hemmed and hawed as she tried to find the best way of…softening…it. Minako took the decision out of her hands.

"Oh, that's what they call guys who like to have sex with young kids." Most of the Senshi cringed at her too frank answer and Hotaru turned beet red to the roots of her hair. Usagi paled. "What? That's disgusting!" She shuddered and plucked at the hem of her skirt. She'd have to ask Luna whether the people who designed these uniforms had been 'pedophiles'.

Ami's computer beeped a warning and the diminutive Senshi paled. "Sailor Moon! That boy is harboring a class five plus demonic entity!" She pointed to Naruto with a shaking finger.

Usagi was completely lost. "He whatting a who?" she asked, a look of complete bewilderment flashing across her face.

Ami ground her teeth in nervous frustration. "He's got a really powerful demon inside of him! It's an order of magnitude stronger than Metallia, somewhere along the lines of Galaxia's power! Probably more, given the margin for error!" She fervently wished they had some more firepower for backup. Like that Goku guy from Rei's manga.

Haruka powered up her Space Sword Blaster. "I've got him!" she cried as she lunged for a startled Naruto.

* * *

Haruka smiled grimly as she closed in on the startled demon. She could already tell it didn't have enough time to get out of the way. Her smirk widened as she drew her arm back in preparation for the killing blow.

She saw a pink haired girl moving in, but Haruka knew the girl wouldn't have enough time to intercept her.

Haruka suddenly became aware that she couldn't move her body. Her lunging dive became an awkward tumble as she hit the ground hard, her Space Sword falling from her stiff fingers, clattering off to the side

Twisting her head to look around her, she saw the thin, narrow faced boy had merged his shadow with hers. That was apparently the cause of her paralysis. A quick sweep with her eyes revealed that the boy's shadow had split off to merge with all the other Senshis' and they were all similarly trapped.

'Crap! This is bad!' she thought, racking her brain and finding nothing. They were all so much dead meat if the demon chose to attack them. It wasn't a comforting thought.

The thin boy frowned. "You girls are just like everyone else. I suppose it was too much to ask that some silly schoolgirls could do complex thinking. You never stop to consider that Naruto isn't attacking anyone or doing other nasty things that you might associate with a demon. The demon is sealed inside of him, it isn't who he is!" He spat on the ground for emphasis.

Ami, Hotaru, and Usagi had the good grace to look embarrassed. Makoto and Haruka just looked indignant. Silly schoolgirls?! They were the defenders of the world!

Naruto, on the other hand, was moved almost to tears. Someone who would stick up for him was an incredible rarity. "Thanks, Shikamaru" he choked in a rough voice. Shikamaru grimaced. "No problem. Has Kakashi or Jiraiya taught you the basics of chakra transfusion? I'm getting really low and I could use a boost…" tremors of strain crept into his voice as the continual chakra drain from eight separate shadows took its toll.

Naruto shook his head. "Just let them go. I'll be okay." Shikamaru released the Shadow Bind and the Senshi felt mobility return. Ami shook her arms as if to make sure that they still worked.

Haruka picked herself up from where she had fallen, brushing nonexistent dust off her fuku. The magic that made up the fuku's composition made sure that the uniforms would never get dirty or wrinkled.

She watched the blond boy carefully for any deception, but his posture was loose and relaxed.

Makoto chose that moment to speak up. "I've still got some questions. What kind of demon…" she cut off abruptly as the Senshi spun as a whole at the most repulsive sound in the known universe. A sound that they were horribly familiar with.

"PRETTY LADIES! SWEETO!!"

* * *

Happosai took a moment to appreciate the bounty before him. The Sailor Senshi's panties were always a joy to steal, although to his disappointment, none of them wore a bra. He shook his head sadly at the wasted potential. Being the sporting man that he was, he decided to give them a little warning this time. Just to liven things up.

He noticed that Ranma was down near the Senshi. Of all his students, he enjoyed teaching Ranma the most. Although the boy could be stubborn to a fault, he had a backbone, unlike his cowardly father. Even more amazingly, the boy soaked up techniques like a sponge. Of course, the free gropes that he got in on Ranko-chan were a nice added bonus. He shook his head. Now was not the time for thinking! It was a time for action!

"PRETTY LADIES! SWEETO!!

* * *

Haruka's face twisted in a snarl as she watched the bane of her existence close in on Michiru. "Oh no you don't, you little freak of nature!" she yelled, summoning her sword to her hand and dashing to meet the old pervert's jump.

At every encounter, he would dodge everything the Senshi threw at him with annoying ease. Most of them had despaired of even hitting him. That hadn't stopped them from trying though.

Slashing at the little troll with her sword, she almost screamed with frustration as he somehow changed directions in mid-air, narrowly dodging the cutting edge. Using the flat of her blade as a springboard, he rocketed onto her chest, latching on like a slimy little squid.

"Woo-hoo! Not too bad girlie!"

"Gyaaaahhh!" Haruka beat frantically at the perverted old man's head as he rubbed it between her breasts.

"Ah, how sweet it is!" he cackled as he scrambled down her front to snatch her panties. Rocketing off of the disgruntled Senshi of Uranus, he made a beeline for Neptune, dodging a panicked punch and swiping her underwear.

The Senshi shrieked and ineffectually tried to roast, freeze, electrocute and otherwise kill the old pervert as he systematically stole their panties. Unsurprisingly, he left Hotaru alone. Finally, he bounded off, cackling like mad as the Senshi followed, intent only on slowly dismembering the old troll for his crimes against women, in particular against themselves.

* * *

Sailor Pluto chuckled as she watched the enraged Sailor Senshi chase Happosai through the window of the Time Gates.

Reaching over the arm of her recliner, she scooped up a handful of popcorn. When she got tired of this, she could switch over to watching that boy Aturu Moroboshi.

These were the times that she kind of appreciated her job as the Guardian of Time.

Watching the Sailor Senshi tangle with Happosai was better than daytime TV.

* * *

Akane stood in shock for a full minute before she rounded on Ranma. "Ranma! Why weren't you stopping Happosai?!"

Ranma held his hands up placatingly. "Hey, they're magical girls, right? I didn't realize how pathetic they were! I thought they could take care of themselves!"

Akane fumed as she tried to think of a suitable defense for her heroines.

Naruto broke the awkward silence. "Hey! I think Ryoga died or something!" The lost boy was lying on the ground, twin trails of blood staining the front of his shirt.

Akane paled. "Oh no! Ryoga-kun! What happened?" She ran to his side, picking up his head and checking his pulse on his neck.

Shikamaru coughed nervously. "Well, uh…from where we were standing, and the really short dresses…you could pretty much see everything. And then they lost their panties…" He trailed off, leaving the obvious unsaid. Sakura sniffed derisively.

Ranma snorted. "Yeah, Ryoga's always been a weenie about this kinda stuff."

Akane shot him a look that was so fierce that a passing squirrel clutched it's chest and keeled over dead. "Ryoga-kun's just more sensitive than you perverts! He hasn't been around a lot of women, so he's just a little more naïve!" Ranma snorted, a sound like ripping cloth.

"Ryoga? Naïve? You should see some of the hentai stuff he keeps in his backpack. Course, most of it's covered by bloodstains…I don't know why he keeps that stuff if he's just going to bleed all over it."

Shikamaru shrugged. "If his reaction to nudity and the female form is this extreme all the time, perhaps he's trying to build an immunity to it through repeated exposure. A training method of sorts."

Ranma thought it over. "You know, that actually makes a lot of sense. And here I thought he was just a horndog. I'm still not discounting my theory though."

Akane stood up straight, head held high in indignation. "Ryoga isn't a pervert like you Ranma!" she yelled, clenching her fists so hard that she drew blood.

Ranma gave a long-suffering sigh, shaking his head exasperatedly. "Whatever. Can we just get out of here before the crazy chicks come back?"

Akane sniffed derisively at Ranma's casual slander of her heroines, but motioned to Naruto. "Naruto, could you please carry Ryoga?" Naruto nodded and hefted the unsurprisingly heavy lost boy onto his shoulders as the small group resumed their trip to the dojo.

* * *

Ranma motioned Shikamaru off to the side. "Hey, I didn't know you were a martial artist. You've gotta teach me how you do that shadow thing sometime."

Shikamaru shook his head. "It's a clan secret, I can't teach you unless you join our clan."

Ranma grinned. "Bet I can figure it out."

Shikamaru gave him a skeptical glance. "I highly doubt that, but you're welcome to try."

Ranma shrugged. "You can show me again later. We've gotta fix you up some rooms first."

* * *

The second trip to the dojo was a less uncomfortable experience for the dimensional travelers, now that they had an idea where they were going. All except for one, that is.

"Are we about there? How far away is this place you're taking us to?" Naruto yawned unnecessarily widely as he absently punched the air.

Shikamaru sighed. It was like deja-vu all over again. No wonder nothing had worked out between Sakura and Naruto, they were similar enough to be brother and sister.

"It's not that much farther, Naruto. Just be patient."

"Yeah, yeah, I've got all kinds of patience" Naruto said, looking indignant that Shikamaru would even suggest such a thing.

There were several minutes of silence.

"So, how much longer?"

Sakura raised her fist threateningly. "Naruto, if I have to knock you out and drag your sorry carcass along with us to get you to shut up, I'll be very angry! Stop asking the same thing every five minutes!" Little droplets of sweat beaded on Naruto's forehead as he adopted an expression of innocence.

"Hypocritical much?" Shikamaru said under his breath, just loud enough so that Sakura could hear it. She flushed red and cleared her throat, just a little too loudly.

"Well, that's uh…lets all just make a pact to be quiet for the rest of the way there." Shikamaru suppressed his urge to point out that he wasn't doing any of the talking. It wouldn't do anything except get Sakura angry anyway. He and Naruto nodded and the pact was sealed.

"Hey, we're back" Ranma told them as he walked through the front gates of the Tendo residence.

Sakura facefaulted.

* * *

**Revison 1**: Much to my shame, I had originally said that the Shadow Bind was a bloodline ability. It was pointed out(in detail) that it is a clan secret, not a bloodline. I was also clued in on the difference. Also, I spelled Neptune's name wrong. It's MichIru not MichAru. Kudos to _**ArmorofGeddon**_for correcting me on my mistakes.

**Revision 2: **Added a small filler scene to explain the absence of Sailor Pluto. Thanks to _**Shaithan**_ for letting me know I hadn't fully explained that.

**A.N. **I'd like to take a few seconds to address Akane's…changeable…nature. You'll notice that she's nice and supportive to someone she doesn't even know, but won't hesitate to show family members or Ranma the rough side of her tongue (or mallet). Worse, she switches between serenity and all-consuming rage at the drop of a hat, nearly instantaneously. The girl's got issues.

She is quite nice to Ryoga, and will forgive his faults or brush away misunderstandings that she would have castrated Ranma for. It's my theory that she sees Ryoga almost like a little brother, or a favorite son even, someone that brings out her motherly instinct. Anyway, she's quick to forgive Ryoga for the hentai that he keeps in his backpack because in her mind, Ryoga equals naïve little kid, and Ranma equals pervert. She can't reconcile seeing Ryoga as a pervert because her mind is hardwired to believe it isn't so. So she glosses it over and accepts the flimsiest evidence that supports her conclusion.

Obviously, she's got her own plot of land on the river denial.

Her train of logic is thus. She begins with a conclusion, and then sifts around the facts until she finds some that match her preconceived notion. Somewhat like Ryoga at the beginning of the series, or Kuno at any point in the series.

To summarize her character, she's generally a nice girl, but she must have been dropped on her head when she was little.

On an unrelated note, I've noticed that I'm starting to write Shikamaru as a lot less lazy. OOC? Perhaps, perhaps not. If you've read the manga, you'll notice that he grows up a lot after Asuma dies, starts taking things a lot more seriously. Not that he'll ever stop being lazy completely, but he's ready to take that step into adulthood by accepting responsibility.

As a closing note, I'd like to say that I hope the Senshi are in character. All I know about Sailor Moon, I learned from reading fanfiction. Speaking of which, if you like Sailor Moon fanfiction (or even if you don't) you should read the fic: "Nuke 'Em Till They Glow" by someone whose name I can't remember. I don't think it's on FF dot net; you'll have to Google it. This fic is pure hilariousness and injections of unnecessary brutality at random points in the Sailor Moon series. It's also won some kind of fanfiction award, if that makes any difference to you.


	7. Hours Of A Day

Another Fine Mess 7

A.N. I've got nothing this time. Sorry.

* * *

Ranma led the small party into the entryway, making sure that they took off their shoes/slippers. No one tracked mud on Kasumi's floor and came out unscathed.

This is not to say that Kasumi was violent or vindictive as one might deduce from the previous statement. Nor was it indicative of a protective father or siblings that would exact swift justice for their daughter/sister. No, it was simply that listening to Kasumi scold you with that forgiving yet disappointed look on her face was enough to have hardened serial killers blubbering on the floor like babies and making a full turnaround in their lifestyle.

In fact, the police department often asked for her help in questioning suspects that they didn't have enough evidence on. Her gentle, non-probing method of questioning led to more than one confession of guilt from even the wiliest criminals.

Ranma gave a loud "Taidama!" as he slid through the door that led to the main house.

The house was strangely silent, save the clattering of pans in the kitchen. Ranma made sure the guests were comfortable on the couch before sticking his head in the kitchen.

"Oi, Kasumi! Where's my old man and your dad?"

Kasumi looked up from her mixing bowl, brushing a stray hair that had fallen out of place across her forehead.

"Oh, hello Ranma-kun! Father and Uncle Saotome are out with one of their old friends. They're probably at the bar right now." A faint disapproving air entered her voice but her face remained smooth as glass.

Ranma scratched the back of his head. "Uh, right. Listen, do we have any spare rooms? We've kinda got a few guests. Plus Ryoga, I guess."

Kasumi shook her head. "No, we only have the dojo available. And you and your father's room." She paused for a moment, tapping a foot as she stood in silent contemplation. "I assume our guests are male?" she asked, absently finishing her stirring.

Ranma blinked. "Well actually, there's a girl and two boys. Three if ya count Ryoga."

Kasumi nodded in satisfaction. "Good! That makes the accommodations much easier. We'll simply put the girl in Akane's room and the other three boys can sleep in the dojo. I know we have a few extra sleeping bags and pillows that we can lay out for them."

She dipped a finger in the mixing bowl and licked the mixture off. "Hmmm…needs a bit more sugar." As she reached for the sugar, she waved Ranma out of the room. "Please keep our guests occupied and I'll bring out some snacks."

Making sure to drape a towel over the bowl so the mixture inside wouldn't spoil, Kasumi got out the large serving tray and some cookies that she kept around for dealing with disgruntled neighbors.

They came over to complain frequently about crazy martial artists roof-hopping on their houses. A little tea and some cookies mollified them enough to make their issues seem less important.

Regretting that she didn't have a pot of hot water ready for tea, she grabbed a carton of sweet peach juice from the refrigerator and poured several glasses, lining the outside of the tray until there was no room left.

As an after thought, she filled a pitcher with cold water and placed it on the table for easy retrieval, in case someone didn't want the juice.

* * *

Ranma had just finished explaining the sleeping arrangements to his temporary guests when Kasumi entered with the snacks.

"Welcome to our house, minna-san!" she said, making a bow just deep enough for an honored guest. "Would anyone like some cookies or juice?" Naruto eagerly reached for the cookies, grabbing a few and a glass of the sweet juice, but Sakura and Shikamaru hung back, recalling Sakura's last experience with cookies.

Of course, these **looked** okay, but neither one was willing to take the risk.

Ranma looked over at Sakura's white face and leaned over to whisper in her ear. "These cookies are okay. Kasumi's a great cook. They won't make you sick." Akane blushed bright red and suddenly found the floor very interesting.

Sakura reluctantly grabbed a cookie and took a tiny bite. Her eyes widened, and she grabbed three more, stuffing the first into her mouth. She blushed a little as she remembered her manners and tried to preserve as much dignity as possible as she wiped cookie crumbs off the front of her shirt.

Seeing Sakura gobbling down the cookies, Shikamaru reached for several, declining the peach juice. He bit into the first and chewed slowly as the amazing flavor burst on his tongue in a tidal wave of sensation. Definitely a winner.

Naruto, who had no need for dignity, was stuffing his face with the delicious cookies. "Can I have more please?" he asked, putting on his best puppy dog look for Kasumi.

The gentle homemaker laughed, a soft, happy sound. "Certainly um…oh dear, I don't even know your name. I'm Kasumi Tendo."

Naruto scooped another handful of the rapidly disappearing cookies. "Thanks Kasumi-kaasan! I'm Naruto Uzumaki, number one ninja and future Hokage of Konoha!" He finished in a dramatic pose, his finger outstretched towards the sky.

Sakura slapped her forehead. "Naruto, must you introduce yourself that way every time someone asks your name?"

"Well, duh! I gotta let everyone know that I'm gonna be Hokage! You know, reaffim…reaffur…uh, repeating it makes it come true!" Naruto took another swig of the sweet juice, draining half the glass.

Ryoga raised an eyebrow. "Kasumi-kaasan?"

Naruto blushed a little. "Ummmm…well…I was just thinking how much I'd like to have Kasumi-kaasan as my mother."

Kasumi smiled again, a blindingly joyful expression. "Oh, I'm sure I'd love to have such a sweet boy as my son! You can call me kaasan if you want."

"Heh heh heh." Naruto grinned goofily as the full power of Kasumi's smile hit him.

"Look, as fascinating as this all is, we need to be focusing on our top priorities; getting back to our own dimension." Shikamaru grimaced, still a bit shaken by Kasumi's vast, mind-fogging quantities of positive ki. It would be almost impossible to start a fight in Kasumi's general area, let alone do her any harm. Not that he'd want to.

Ranma yawned and stretched. "Yeah, I'll take you to see the old ghoul tomorrow. Today is their promotional night at the Cat Café. Old ghoul probably wouldn't take too kindly to all of us barging in there when she's so busy."

He glanced over at Shikamaru with a look that on anyone else might have been called sly. Unfortunately, on Ranma it came off as rather ridiculous looking.

"So, you wanna show me how to do that shadow thing? We got plenty of time left until tomorrow…"

Shikamaru sighed. "You're not going to leave me alone about this, are you?"

Ranma grinned. "Nope!"

"Well, I already told you that I can't teach it to you. But I guess there's nothing preventing me from demonstrating it for you. You'll have to figure it out on your own after that."

Ranma pumped his fist in victory. "Yes! Let's go out in the back where me and my old man usually spar." A widely grinning Ranma herded an annoyed Shikamaru out the back, their voices disappearing slowly as they walked down the hall.

Akane huffed. "Ranma can really be a jerk when he's learning some new technique! Poor Shikamaru."

Sakura smirked. "It's nothing he hasn't already experienced from Naruto. Besides, it might actually give that lazy baka some exercise. He lies around too much as it is. Why don't you show me around the house? I'd like to know where everything is."

Akane and Sakura disappeared down the hall, already deep in girl talk before they got up the stairs.

This left Kasumi, Ryoga and Naruto in an awkward triangle.

"So…" Naruto was the first to break the silence. "Uh, Ryoga-san why don't you teach me how to throw those chakra balls that you were using earlier?"

Ryoga looked dubious. "Well…"

"Please? I'll teach you my super original jutsu?"

"Super original jutsu?" Ryoga was intrigued. "What kind of technique is it?"

Naruto grinned. "Here! I'll show you!" He clasped his hands together. "Henge!"

With a puff of smoke, Naruto transformed into a scorchingly pretty busty young woman. Who was also naked.

Ryoga nearly fainted, blood streaming from his nose. He used his shirt to staunch the flow of blood, taking great care not to get any on the floor and trying not to pass out.

Kasumi was scandalized. "Oh my! Naruto-kun! You shouldn't be changing into things like that! Put some clothes on!"

Naruto sheepishly modified the henge so that it was wearing his traditional orange coat and pants.

Now that he had his bleeding under control, Ryoga took a moment to study the henge form. 'Jusenkyo? No, it's not the curse.' Looking closely, he could see the threads of the ki matrix that wove itself around Naruto. A sort of ki-veil then. Interesting.

"So, can you change into other things besides a girl?"

Naruto nodded. "The sky's the limit. Whatever you can think up, you can change into. If you try to change into a form that you don't know well, it kinda screws up though."

Kasumi looked thoughtful. "So, you could change into…say…Ryoga-kun then?"

Naruto nodded. "Mmhmm. Since he's actually here, it'll be a lot easier. Watch."

With a puff of smoke Naruto changed into a remarkable likeness of Ryoga…who was also stark naked.

Kasumi's face flushed so hot that steam escaped through her pores. "Oh…my…" she said weakly, fanning herself with a hand in a desperate attempt to cool down. Her whole body tingled with an alien sensation she would much later identify as mild arousal.

Ryoga, on the other hand, almost died of embarrassment. "Naruto! What are you doing!" He turned to look at the stricken Tendo homemaker. "Kasumi! Are you okay!"

Naruto dispelled the henge form quickly. "Ah! I'm sorry, it's just that I'm so used to changing form without clothes that…uh…" Kasumi waved a hand at him, stopping his rambling.

"It's…all right…" she said faintly. "Please, excuse me…" She stumbled to the kitchen on rubber legs.

Ryoga rounded on Naruto, teeth bared in a frightening display of animus. "Idiot! What were you thinking!" How could he show his face around Kasumi again? She'd been so shocked; any attempt at conversation would be rather awkward. She'd probably shun him. His body was shrouded in a dark green aura as his mind descended deeper into depression

Of course, his lightest depression was strong enough to make people particularly sensitive to emotions curl up in a ball and cry their eyes out just by passing him on the street, so this depression was very deep indeed.

"Ah! I'm sorry, I just forgot to add some clothes! It was an accident!" Naruto knew that he was the reason for Kasumi's obvious distress and it made him feel horribly guilty.

Ryoga's scowl faltered as he realized that there was another question begging to be asked.

"Uh, how did you know what I looked like naked? I'm pretty sure you haven't seen me nude…"

Naruto ducked his head embarrassedly. "Well, I saw most of your body when you got hit with that chakra ball that Ranma threw. It kinda obliterated half your clothes. The rest I just guessed at."

'I thought my uh…lower half looked a little off.'

Ryoga narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "You weren't…checking me out were you…?"

Naruto's eyes widened as the implication hit home.

"Nonononono! I like girls! Only girls! I don't check out guys!"

"Good…"

Naruto gave a strained chuckle as Ryoga's face twisted in a horrible mockery of a grin. An ominous blood red aura surrounded his head like a fiery portent of doom as he looked at the sweating boy. "Because if you were lying and you were checking me out…I might have to kill you on general principles."

Naruto turned a pasty white color at the horrific display and waved his hands frantically. "I'm not lying! Really! Just ask Sakura-chan!"

Ryoga's face reverted to its normal state as the lost boy calmed down. "Hmmm. You wanted to learn the Shi-Shi-Hokodan didn't you? I guess I can teach you the theory behind it. But you gotta teach me that disguise technique."

Naruto grinned. "Deal!"

* * *

"-Hic- I tell ya Shaotome, kidsh theshe days don't have any reshpect for their eldersh!"

Genma Saotome and Soun Tendo stumbled down the darkened streets, leaning against each other for support.

"Ish sho true, Tendo! That ungrt'ful shon of mine needsh to shtop hish phil'ndrin' and m'rry 'kane!" The portly man almost tripped over a startled cat that leapt out of the way with a yowl of surprise.

There was a long period of silence.

"Shay Tendo…What ab't your other daug'trsh? Have you g'ttn anyone lin'd up f'r them yet?"

Soun furrowed his eyebrows in deep thought. "Well…Kashumish got that D'ctr fellow. Tofer or shomthing like that. Li'l Nabiki has…" He trailed off, obviously pondering the question. Finally, he scratched his head sheepishly. "What were we talk'n 'bout again?"

Genma shrugged, feeling too mellow to try and exert effort to remember their topic. It was a moot point anyway, as they had reached the outer gates of the Tendo house.

As they staggered up the front steps, a worried looking Kasumi came out to greet them.

"Oh my! Father! Mr. Saotome! Please come inside!" She helped her drunken father to the couch, while Ranma hauled his sloshed father up to their shared room. Dumping the baka panda on his futon, Ranma headed back downstairs to rejoin the company.

He saw that Kasumi had coerced Ryoga into carrying her father to his bedroom, closely supervised of course. She didn't want the lost boy to turn a corner and end up in Zimbabwe.

Seeing that the guests were looking a bit tired, Kasumi gave a little yawn. "Well, I'm going to turn in, I have to get up early if I'm going to have breakfast ready for this many people. Ranma, please show the boys to the dojo. I've already prepared sleeping bags and pillows. Akane, Sakura will be sleeping in your room. I've rolled out a futon for her alongside your bed."

Naruto grinned widely. "Thanks Kasumi-kaasan! You're the best!"

The other guests mumbled their thanks and the groups separated. Soon, the compound was blanketed in silence, broken only by the occasional cry of "Sweeto!" and women shrieking. Oddly enough, both seemed to come from the direction of the Juuban district.

* * *

Morning dawned at the Tendo residence, bathing the compound in sunlight as the birds chirped their morning greetings. Kasumi peeked into the dojo to check on their guests. Naruto was sprawled out on his bag, arms and legs splayed out in what looked like an extremely uncomfortable position.

Shikamaru had pulled his bag over his head, blocking out the invasive rays of sunlight that tried to pry his eyelids open.

Ryoga was quietly sitting on his sleeping bag, apparently meditating. Kasumi quietly stole over to Ryoga, who opened his eyes as his ki senses detected her presence. She blushed a little as she saw that Ryoga had taken off his shirt, most likely to feel the cool morning air.

She leaned over toward to whisper softly to him, not wanting to wake the others.

"Ryoga-kun, I've drawn the furo. Since you are the first up, you should take your bath so that others have a chance to use it."

Ryoga nodded assent, grabbing his shirt and sliding it over his head. "I need you to lead me to the furo, I'll get lost if you don't."

Kasumi nodded and gracefully exited the room, Ryoga following on her heels like a well-trained puppy.

Neither noticed the shock of pink hair that peeked from behind the dojo doors.

* * *

Ranma hummed happily as he made his way to the furo.

His baka panda of a father had still been sleeping off the effects of his drinking binge the night before and as a result, he'd actually gotten enough sleep. Usually, his mornings started with an unwilling trip to the koi pond, courtesy of his pop.

Getting enough sleep was a novel experience for him; he hadn't had a full eight hours since he was five years old.

Sliding open the outer furo doors, he made a quick check to see if there was anyone inside. The piled clothes on the floor were Ryoga's, so it was most likely safe to go inside. He'd just have to make sure he didn't change into his girl form. The lost weenie would probably die of nosebleed.

* * *

Sakura stood in the outer furo; her heart pounding so loud, she was sure the whole house could hear it.

Ryoga-kun was in there right now, ripe for the picking. All she had to do was show a little courage.

Slowly stripping off her garments, Sakura laid them in a neat pile near the clothes hamper. Summoning all her courage, she grasped the handle of the entryway. After today, Ryoga-kun would have eyes only for her.

She'd let Sasuke go by being too timid and she wasn't going to take another chance.

Quietly sliding open the furo door, Sakura noted that the entire room was misty, the product of a cool morning and a very hot bath. It would give her better cover anyway. Spying Ryoga's muscular shape through the steam, she silently crept up behind him as he scrubbed his hair. She wrapped her arms around his thick chest, pressing her not insignificant endowment of cleavage against his back. She felt him stiffen in surprise.

"Good morning, Ryoga-kun…" she breathed in a sultry voice, noting with satisfaction that he visibly trembled.

"Ah, I'm…not Ryoga," croaked a voice, reaching down and removing Sakura's arms from around his chest. With the steam starting to melt away, Sakura noticed for the first time that her target had a pigtail.

"Ack!" Sakura jumped back in surprise, blushing to the tips of her toes as she hastily tried to cover herself up.

She glared at Ranma. "This little incident never happened."

Ranma nodded frantically, covering himself up with both hands. "Yeah, I know! Just get outta here before someone comes bargin' in here and misunderstands!"

At that very moment, the furo doors slid open, revealing a very shocked Akane.

Ranma dropped to his knees, raising both hands to the sky in supplication. "Oh come on now!"

The blue morning skies of Nerima soon gained another visitor as Ranma was smashed through the bathroom wall and out toward Tokyo Bay.

* * *

Ryoga scratched his head in confusion. He knew that Kasumi had led him to the furo, but the furo looked remarkably like the Tendo hallway.

Soun passed the lost boy with a nod of greeting, only to jerk around in surprise.

"Ah, Ryoga? What are you doing in my hallway in only a towel?"

Ryoga shrugged. "Honestly Mr. Tendo? I have no idea."

* * *

Shizune staggered slightly as she wobbled down the hall, trying to support the enormous stack of papers that was swaying side to side in her hands.

Feeling around cautiously with her foot, she located the first step of the stairwell. Raising her foot carefully, she slowly started to put it back down on the next stair. Too late, she remembered that the first stair was about a foot higher off the ground than the others.

Feeling herself start to fall, she let out a little shriek of despair as her carefully stacked papers tipped.

Suddenly, Shizune's downward momentum halted. Slowly opening her eyes, she felt herself being supported by two strong hands. Her papers were also in order, neatly stacked off to the side.

Jiraiya grinned as Shizune stammered her thanks. He winked one eye and gave her a roguish smile. "It would be a shame to let such a beautiful face get marred." He said, gently lifting her back up.

Shizune flushed in embarrassment. She knew full well that at best she could be considered a handsome woman, never ugly, but never beautiful. Nonetheless, hearing such honeyed words felt very good, even if she knew they weren't entirely true.

She turned away from him and busily checked the papers to hide her blush. Then she remembered that Tsunade had wanted to see the old Sannin.

"Ah, Jiraiya-san, Tsunade-sama wants to see you. It concerns Naruto."

Jiraiya gave a mock sigh. "Ah! What cruel events conspire to make me leave your side! How will I console myself when I am unable to gaze upon your lovely face? What will I do when I am not able to hear the dulcet tones of your voice?"

Shizune blushed again. "Stop that you old reprobate!" she said, hastily cuffing his head with her hand to hide her pleasure. It wasn't fair that a fifty year old man could be such a charmer. His looks hadn't diminished much since his teenage days. Of course, he switched between charmer and super pervert at will. It was the ultimate turn off. Clearing her throat noisily, she picked up her huge stack of papers.

"Come with me, I'll tell Tsunade-sama that you're here."

Jiraiya grinned. "Thanks, but I'll make my own way in." He vanished in a swirl of leaves.

Shizune sighed. Hopefully Tsunade-sama was in a reasonably good mood today; otherwise she'd have to explain the expense report of another replacement desk to the village council. Jiraiya could get under her skin without even trying.

* * *

Tsunade looked up from her papers as a faint presence appeared on the outer perimeter of her detection jutsu. She had warded her whole office with the jutsu, in order to prevent any assassination attempts.

"Jiraiya, stop hanging off my wall and come inside."

The white haired Sannin chuckled as he swung off the outside wall and in through Tsunade's window. "Observant as always Tsunade-chan. What did you want to talk to me about?"

Tsunade leaned forward, cutting to the chase. "Naruto has disappeared and no one knows to where. Our eyewitness said that he was trying some new jutsu and it backfired. Some sort of blue hole apparently sucked Naruto, Shikamaru and Sakura inside itself, then vanished without a trace."

Jiraiya was paying close attention now. "So that's why I couldn't locate the kid! I thought he'd died or something!"

Tsunade was a bit puzzled. "How would you know if he's alive or not?"

Jiraiya pulled a small stone arrow out of his pocket. "This acts as a sympathetic compass of sorts. If you dangle it, it will point to the direction that Naruto is generally in. I made it to keep tabs on the boy during training. Never know when someone will try to capture the infamous Jinchuuriki. Just a couple of days ago, it stopped working."

He stuffed the arrow back in his pocket. "It sounds like the kid used a method of inter-dimensional travel that's called skimming. You use it to travel to some dimension that you don't know very well or at all."

Tsunade steepled her hands as she regarded Jiraiya. "So, you know how to do this…'skimming'? Could you go get Naruto back? You're the only one that can do it now."

Jiraiya nodded solemnly. "Actually, I know a method that's better than skimming. It's a direct route, but you need to know exactly where you're going. I'll just check out all the dimensions that I've been to one by one until I find Naruto."

Tsunade watched in fascination as Jiraiya braided thick cords of chakra, forming a rope of chakra suspended in the air. With a swift clawing motion, he pantomimed ripping something apart and the chakra cord split to reveal a lush green forest.

Tsunade threw Jiraiya a general healing potion. "Good luck, Jiraiya."

As the old Sannin started to step through the gateway Tsunade had one final question. "By the way, where did you learn this method of dimensional traveling?"

"Well now, about that…"

Tsunade leaned forward slightly as the old sage trailed off. "Yes?"

Jiraiya winked. "…It's a secret!" He jumped through the hole and closed it quickly behind him before Tsunade could hit him.

Tsunade growled as she looked at the empty space where Jiraiya had just been. That man could be extremely trying sometimes. She sighed wistfully.

"Come back safe you old pervert."

* * *

A.N. Seeing as I'll probably have started classes by the time I get this released, I want to forewarn you that upcoming chapters might take even longer to finish than they previously did. So, please be patient with me, I'll try to get them up as fast as I can. Below the Japanese word definitions are a couple of omakes. Hopefully, they'll make you chuckle. Oh, and don't look for a pattern here. Omakes will be very rare.

_Kasumi–kaasan_ : I'm pretty sure **kaasan** is the honorific for 'mother'. I want to use it as 'Mama Kasumi'. A loose interpretation perhaps, but if it's being used incorrectly, please let me know. I'm sure that someone will. You guys really keep me accountable, and I appreciate that.

Minna-san : It means "everyone" or "everybody".

**!OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE!**

_Warning! These omake are pure crack! Don't take them seriously!_

Sakura stood in the furo entryway; her heart pounding so loud, she was sure the whole house could hear it.

Ryoga-kun was in there right now, ripe for the picking. All she had to do was show a little courage.

Slowly stripping off her garments, Sakura laid them in a neat pile near the clothes hamper. Summoning all her courage, she grasped the handle of the entryway. After today, Ryoga-kun would have eyes only for her.

She'd let Sasuke go by being too timid and she wasn't going to take another chance.

Quietly sliding open the furo door, Sakura noted that the entire room was misty, the product of a cool morning and a very hot bath. It would give her better cover anyway. Spying a dark shape through the steam, she silently crept up behind him as he scrubbed his hair. She wrapped her arms around his…soft…feminine…chest…? Not quite comprehending, she gave one of the soft mammaries a light squeeze.

"Oh my!"

**!OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE!**

Quietly sliding open the furo door, Sakura noted that the entire room was misty, the product of a cool morning and a very hot bath. It would give her better cover anyway. Spying his large shape through the steam, she silently crept up behind him as he scrubbed his hair. She wrapped her arms around his thick chest, pressing her not insignificant endowment of cleavage against his back.

She paused. Since when had he been so…hairy? She took a step back.

"Growf!" Genma-panda leered appreciatively at the pretty pink haired girl that had decided to give him a free show.

* * *

Nabiki pressed herself against the wall as a naked pink haired kunoichi tore past her down the hall, screaming bloody murder.

She shook her head sadly. "Can't we ever get some normal guests?"


	8. My Lunch With Cologne

Another Fine Mess 8

A.N. Holy amazingly slow update Batman! Hmmm, I'm actually starting to enjoy writing this story. That doesn't mean the updates will get faster though…I'm still freakin' lazy. Here's Chapter 8. Enjoy!

* * *

"Come on Akane! It wasn't what it looked like!" Ranma waved his hands expressively as he walked, trying to get Akane to look at him.

"You should give the guests a few days to settle in before you start womanizing Ranma." Akane's frosty tone and turned head gave little doubt to her current mood.

"It wasn't my fault! She thought I was Ryoga!"

Akane snorted. "Right, that's believable. You don't even look anything alike!"

Naruto chose the wrong moment to speak up. "Actually, I thought they were brothers or something when I first saw them. If you cut off Ranma's pigtail, they look almost like twins."

Akane turned her baleful glaze on Naruto. He cringed back. "Sorry…"

Akane sniffed, then turned back to Ranma. "Why don't you go walk with your new girlfriend? I'm sure she'd appreciate your company."

Ranma gave an exasperated grunt. "Are you kiddin' me? First, she's not my girlfriend! I have no interest in her! And secondly, she's all gushy over Ryoga! It's not like I'd want that crazy chick anyway!" He ducked as a light pole flew over his head.

"Will you stop calling me a crazy chick!" Sakura yelled, casting about for more objects to hurl at Ranma. Ryoga, who had been amiably suffering through Sakura's chatter, sweatdropped.

"Uh, you're kinda not helping your case…"

Shikamaru was taking the opportunity to lean up against a convenient tree. He watched as the quarreling escalated. 'Third time this morning. I think there's something in the water.'

As the squabbling continued, none of those involved noticed a high pitched whining sound that was steadily getting louder. Shikamaru heard it and started backing away.

Ryoga, who was looking at the sky in a desperate attempt to stay out of the argument, noticed a large object that was rapidly descending on their position. Without any word of warning, he grabbed a startled Sakura and Akane and jumped back as far as he could.

The object hit a surprised Ranma like an artillery shell, driving him into the ground. Sakura winced. That had to hurt.

As the dust cleared, they could see that a boy in a white robe was sprawled across Ranma's chest, both in a shallow crater that had formed from the impact. "Shampooooo…" he whimpered.

Ranma was not happy. "Would you freakin' get off me!" He heaved Mousse off of his chest, dumping him onto the ground beside him.

"Why…Shampoo?? Why do you reject our love?" Mousse stared gloomily at the sky as he wallowed in self-induced angst. His glasses lay off to the side, flung by the force of the collision.

"Probably cause she doesn't love you! Get a clue, duck boy!" Ranma angrily brushed clods of dirt off his clothes, picking up one of the ties for his Chinese shirt that had been ripped off in the collision. "My best shirt too…do you know how hard it is to find these things! I had to look through five districts the last time I ran out…"

Ryoga sneered. "You sound like a girl Ranma! Suck it up and take it like a man." Ranma twitched irritably.

Akane blinked. "Déjà vu…"

Mousse sat up, shaking his head to clear it. "Saotome! Remove the spell you have cast on my Shampoo! All day long it's, 'Ranma, Ranma, Ranma'! I don't know how she can be so enthralled with a womanizing scum like you!"

Sakura sweatdropped. 'Helloooo Mr. Drama Queen…'

"I didn't put no spell on Shampoo!" Ranma folded his arms in contemplation. "Well, not unless being too handsome counts as magic."

Mousse spread his arms wide. "Enough talk! Die you filthy womanizer!" He flung his arms forward, releasing wave after wave of various razor sharp objects in Ranma's direction.

Ranma dove to the side. "Hey watch it ya jerk! You could hurt somebody with those!"

Mousse smiled grimly. "That's…" he pulled out a sword almost twice as tall as he was and half again as wide. "…the general idea!" he swung for Ranma, missing as the pigtailed boy jumped above the strike.

Naruto watched in interest. 'Where did he hide that thing? I know there's a method of chakra folding that makes small storage pockets, but nothing big enough to hold that thing. I'll have to ask him about it.'

Shikamaru had different thoughts. "That sword probably weighs three times as much as he does. How does he wield it with such fluidity? In fact, how does he wield it at all?"

"Hold still Saotome! Stop running away!" Mousse continued to swing the gigantic sword, becoming more and more frustrated as Ranma ducked, dodged, and flitted out of the way. Several innocent lampposts met their untimely doom as the razor sharp blade sheared them clean off their bases.

"Rrrrrrgggh! Stand still and die!" He took a mighty swing, narrowly missing Ranma and almost beheading Sakura.

"What the…!" Sakura pulled her head back, feeling the breeze whistle past her throat. "Don't go swinging that thing in my direction!"

Mousse panted a little for breath, the strain of wielding the heavy sword taking it's toll on him. "Just…die already!" he roared, homing in on Sakura's voice. "Don't think you can fool me by taking your girl form!"

Sakura calmly ducked the sword swing and smashed a chakra infused fist against the flat of the blade. The metal broke cleanly in two, the top half careening into a wall where it imbedded itself deeply.

Ranma gave a low whistle. 'Girl's got some serious strength…'

Mousse looked at his decimated blade in shock. "Ranma! How dare you break my blade! That was a family heirloom!"

Sakura fed chakra into her hand. "I'm not Ranma you moron!" She punched him directly in the face, sending him through four walls and into a trash heap.

Mousse struggled to get his limbs to respond. "Urrrggh…Curse you…Saotome…" Unable to do anything more than twitch, he lay there helpless as the sun climbed high into the morning sky.

* * *

Sakura fumed as she turned away from the sizeable hole that Mousse's body had made. "So, are innocent bystanders getting attacked by swords a normal occurrence in this town?"

Ranma winced. "No, Mousse is a special case. His eyesight is really bad."

"How bad could it be? How could he mistake me for you?"

Akane cleared her throat. "It's…pretty bad…he once kidnapped a pig by accident because he thought it was me."

Ranma sighed at the look on Sakura's face. "Yeah, it's really that bad. He's got this huge pair of glasses, but he's practically blind without 'em."

"But I'm a girl! How could he mistake a girl's voice for a boy's voice?"

Ranma coughed nervously. "Yeah, uh…well.." He checked an invisible watch on his arm. "Look, we've gotta keep movin'. Gotta get to the old ghoul before the lunch rush starts."

Shikamaru narrowed his eyes. 'He's hiding something. I'll have to do a follow-up later.'

Filing the problem away in the back of his mind, he silently rejoined the group as they continued towards the Nekohanten.

* * *

"Chicken and pork!" Cologne's raspy voice echoed through the Nekohanten, causing Shampoo to whirl around, deftly plucking the spinning bowls of noodles from the air. With a flourish, she slipped the two bowls behind her back, sliding them down her arms and into her waiting hands.

"Beef ramen!" Cologne shouted again, hurling the bowl with uncanny accuracy. Shampoo jumped high in the air catching the bowl with her feet and throwing it up to land on her head. The female customers clapped and cheered in excitement, as Shampoo took a bow, careful not to spill the hot bowls of ramen. The male customers also watched intently, the jump had done some fascinating things to her ample chest. They drooled slightly as it became readily apparent she wasn't wearing a bra.

Cologne shook her head a little at her protégé's showmanship. The girl was very prideful, one of the things she needed to beat out of her before they took Ranma back to China. Any hope for a peaceful married life couldn't stand if neither refused to back down. She'd also tried to work a little with Ranma, but pride was at the very core of his being. It was quite literally who he was. As well try to tell a lion to change into a mouse. Prideful though he was, his father's emotional conditioning had made him extremely brittle underneath his cocky shell.

Hearing the bells hung over the doorframe jangle, she paused from her cooking to see son-in-law walking into the Nekohanten, the youngest Tendo girl at his side. Immediately noticing the pink haired girl following behind, her first instinct was to worry that that fat fool of a panda, Genma Saotome, had gotten his son betrothed to another girl. She quickly saw that it was not the case. Son-in-law wasn't paying any attention to her and the girl seemed to be sticking close to Ryoga.

Ryoga. A fighter almost on par with son in law, though she suspected that he would never quite attain Ranma's well honed skill. That aside, his ability to take obscene amounts of punishment and his penchant for accidentally crushing innocent telephone poles by hugging them was more than enough to put him up on son-in-law's level. The only thing that had stopped her from marrying him to a few young amazons was his directional curse. The male's genes usually took dominance in the baby and they couldn't afford to have ten or twelve young amazons wandering around aimlessly. The way things were looking with Ranma, the directional curse was becoming less and less of a factor with each passing day.

"Hey old ghoul!" Ranma greeted cheerfully. Cologne was becoming used to the blatant disrespect that Ranma usually gave her, but she couldn't let the issue pass without retribution.

-WHACK-

"Ow! Geez!" Ranma tenderly nursed the bump on his head.

"I thought you knew better than to call me that, Son-in-Law!" Cologne said, shaking her walking stick at him.

Naruto started. "Holy crap! That thing's alive!"

-WHAP-

-CRUNCH-

"Owwwww…" Naruto groaned from his position in the wall. Cologne put her face up close to his.

"I'll thank you to call me honored elder." Naruto nodded as best he was able from his awkward upside down position. "Good." Cologne turned to her reluctant son-in-law. "Now, what do you want from me today? You never visit the Cat Café unless you want something." She fixed him with a sharp look. "Which is more often than not free food."

"Eheheh…" Ranma scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, it's actually ain't me that needs the help. They" he indicated Naruto, Shikamaru and Sakura "accidentally traveled here through some sort of inter-dimensional…hole or something. We were wondering if you knew of any…" He trailed off as he saw that Cologne was only half paying attention to him.

Cologne studied the small group. "Inter-dimensional travel…fascinating! Our lore speaks of such a thing, but the scrolls have been lost for the last five hundred years. Hmm…accidentally you say? I suppose that asking for a demonstration would be out of the question…"

Shikamaru nodded. "We're not quite sure how Naruto did it ourselves. We were hoping you might know a method that would help us get back."

Cologne shook her head sadly. "I'm afraid I won't be any help. I know only of the legends, and none of the technique." She cast Ranma a sidelong glance. "Have you tried asking Happi? He's always hoarded scrolls, I'm sure he can dig up something."

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, that's where we're headed next. Thanks old ghoul!"

The sound of wood meeting flesh was surprisingly loud in the crowded restaurant.

* * *

**A.N.** Some might say that Ranma/Sailor Moon crossovers are a well-worn road that needn't be trod again. I say, it's not only a Ranma/Sailor Moon crossover; it's got Naruto too. And besides, trite though they may be, I love reading Ranma/Sailor Moon anyway. Well, there is one notable exception. Those 'Ranma in a fuku' fics are not my cup of tea. I've only found two that I like and one actually turns the most of the teenage male cast of Nerima into Senshi, so the pain is spread around. Although, in Konatsu's case, he actually likes it.

Also, while I'm at it, I might as well mention that I hate Self-Insertions with a passion usually reserved for pedophiles and rapists. Seriously, I can't even read one without cringing at the standard: "Author gets godlike powers, the entire cast is helpless before him." Also standard is the: "Author is inexplicably handsome and/or beautiful, suave and charming, or irresistibly sexy respectively (depending on their gender), thereby setting themselves up with a harem of their favorite men or women. (or both)" Man those fics give me the jibbilies. I've found two or maybe three Self-Insertion fics that I could read without suppressing my gag reflex. One was by**blackdragon6** and is more a piece of satire than a story. The other I have no explanation for. If you can do a good SI fic without resorting to clichés, more power to you. As long as it's entertaining and doesn't make me retch, we should be fine.

I should point out that while I hate Self-Insertions, I don't have anything against Original Characters, as long as the characterization is good. But for crying out loud, don't do a SI fic and label it OC! It's not the same thing! …Right, I'm done ranting. Did you actually read all of that? If so, I am both impressed and slightly horrified.

Another omake this time, it was completely random.

* * *

**!OMAKEOMAKEOMAKE!**

Tsunade looked up from where she was churning through yet another stack of paperwork. "What on earth is all that racket!" The sounds of women shrieking echoed down the hallways of the Hokage tower.

Stomping to the door, she flung it open. "What's going on out here!" An empty hallway greeted her, but she could still hear the faint sounds of high pitched screams. Then, a bone chilling sound reached her ears. A sound she hadn't heard since her teenage years.

"SWEETO!"

She panicked. "Holy CENSORED it's back again! Shizune, get the explosive seals! And for the love of all that is good and holy hurry it up!" Even as her assistant rushed to get the seals, she knew it was too late.

"Hotcha! Hellooooo pretty ladies!" Happosai made a beeline for Tsunade's indecently exposed bosom and dove into her truly prodigious cleavage.

Tsunade rummaged in her shirt as the old pervert squeezed, pinched and nuzzled his way around. "Get out of there!"

"Woohoo! This is great! I'd like to spend the rest of my life here! Please? You won't even notice me, I promise."

Tsunade fumed as she tried to catch the elusive pervert. "Your life is gonna be a whole lot shorter if you don't get out of my shirt!"

Happosai attached himself to the underside of one breast like a sloth. "Make me!"

Tsunade grinned maliciously. "You asked for it!" She ripped open her shirt and grabbed the old pervert's head. She struggled to pull him off as he hung on tenaciously.

* * *

Kakashi rounded the corner at a run. He'd heard women shrieking, but had no idea what was going on. They all had pointed him down this way though. As he looked ahead, he skidded to a halt.

A topless Tsunade was wrestling with what appeared to be a gnome that was clinging to her ample chest. He sweat-dropped. There was no way he was going near that.

"I'll just uh…come back later…" He backed swiftly around the corner and took off at a dead run. He didn't want to be around when the ticking time bomb that was Tsunade went off.


	9. Chakra Theory

Another Fine Mess 9

A.N. I was reading an interesting forum on flames. While in this forum, I stumbled across an interesting topic. Fanon versus canon.

Fanon is addition or subtraction of character traits that become widely used in the fanfiction community. (see below for examples) Canon is writing a character as they are portrayed in the manga. I omit anime because too often, the anime over-exaggerates character flaws. (especially so in the Ranma ½ anime)

I must admit, I found some very eye opening things in this forum. For instance, an violent, demonic, never listens to reason Akane is fanon. A Ryoga that is an honorless, violent beyond all reason, always blames Ranma for his problems-bastard is fanon. (Although I must say I never bought into this one) I suppose some fanon in the Naruto area would be: A dumber than rocks Naruto, a needlessly violent Sakura, etc…

One person who posted described casting characters like this 'character raping' and said that it is the mark of a lazy writer who can't be bothered to develop a character. Needless to say, the metaphorical arrows of guilt started hitting home. I must confess that I kinda bought into the violent Akane/Sakura deal. So I'll be trying to tone it down a little. Sure, they both get provoked way too easy and misinterpret all the time, but I won't have them pounding Ranma or Naruto for absolutely no reason. Besides, repetitive character bashing gets boring after a while.

* * *

Ranma glanced over at a brooding Ryoga. He had been strangely silent on the way back from the Nekohaten. "So, uh, how are things going with Akari, man? We haven't seen her around Nerima in a while."

Ryoga winced. "Don't ask."

Ranma looked a little closer at Ryoga. "So, did she break up with you or something?"

Ryoga winced again. "No, I…we…we had some differences that we couldn't work out."

Ranma pressed harder. "Differences?"

Ryoga shuddered briefly. "She…wanted me to be a pig more often than she wanted me to be human. I left when she was pondering which of her sows to breed me to." He shook his head sadly. "It's always the quiet ones."

Ranma winced. "Oooh. That's rough." He slapped Ryoga on the back. "Well, look on the bright side! At least you've got someone that wants to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart!" Ryoga snorted. "Right, that'll happen when pigs fly." He twitched spastically at the unintentional pun.

Ranma looked at him in disbelief. "Ya mean you really don't know?"

Ryoga scowled. "Know what?"

"The pink haired chick! She's got it bad for you!" Ryoga stopped walking in shock. "Really? You think so?" He snuck a glance at Sakura where she was happily chatting with Akane.

Shikamaru sighed from where he was following the two boys. "Yes, she does indeed 'have it bad' for you. I'm surprised you didn't notice. What with her following you around all the time."

Ryoga scratched his head. "I thought she was just being friendly."

Ranma shook his head sadly. "And people say I'm dense. She even jumped me in the bath this morning because…"

Ryoga bared his fangs and unhooked his umbrella. "What! Ranma you womanizing cad! You still can't be satisfied with Akane? I'm going to teach you a lesson in faithfulness!"

Ranma waved his hands as he backed away. "Wait, wait, let me finish! She jumped me because she thought I was you!" Ryoga's brain locked up as he pictured Sakura throwing her glistening…nubile…naked young body at him.

'Error! Error! Brainfunc.exe has performed an illegal operation! Shutdown commencing!' Ryoga's eyes rolled up in his head as a geyser of blood fountained from his nose.

Ranma waved a hand in front of his face. "Yup, we lost him. I need a mallet, stat!" Reaching into his stuffspace, he pulled out a mallet with gold plated caps on the end.

"Hey!" Akane shouted. "That's where that mallet went! I thought I lost it!"

Ranma sweated a little. "Uh…this isn't your mallet, it's…uh…one that looks remarkably similar?"

Akane narrowed her eyes. "Then why does it have 'Property of Akane Tendo' embossed on the handle?"

Ranma bigsweated. "Yes…well…that's a very good question! Let's get Ryoga up so he can answer it!" He brought the mallet down onto Ryoga's chest, causing the lost boy to cough and sit up straight.

"Ow…what the…"

Ranma quickly shunted the mallet into Akane's hands. "Akane did it!"

"Baka!" Akane pounded Ranma through three solid feet of topsoil, burying most of his lower body and about half his upper in the dirt.

Shikamaru shook his head. "That was incredibly stupid. Never give an angry woman a blunt weapon."

"Yeah, yeah." Ranma grunted as he pulled his legs out of the earth. "You know, if you'd just teach me that shadow technique, I could avoid stuff like this!"

Shikamaru sighed. "No, it would only postpone your punishment. Besides, you'll never learn this technique with what you know now."

Ranma puffed up in indignation. "Why do ya say that?"

Shikamaru sighed again. "There's a hole in your knowledge base. I noticed while observing your aura that you use unmixed chakra, specifically, only the ki half. You don't even use the physical half."

Ranma cocked his head. "Physical half? You mean like, muscle?" Shikamaru shook his head. "No, not that type of physical. Watch closely." With a little concentration, he produced a glowing ball of chakra that rested on his palm. Ranma watched the ki flow into the ball, mixing with a faint green force.

He snapped his fingers. "Oh, I get it. You mix your ki with the chi from the surroundings."

'Huh. I had him pegged for a dumb jock, but he figured that out pretty quickly.'

Realizing that Ranma was waiting for confirmation, he nodded slowly. "Well…I guess you could say that. Chakra is the internal life force or ki mixed with ambient life force from the surrounding area. I think you called it chi. Many people think that chi comes from inside you, like your ki."

Shikamaru cleared his throat, coughing a little at the dryness. He wasn't used to talking so much. "While your body can process the chi and refine it, it does not originate in your body, so you have to practice a lot to get your body used to processing foreign life force. Depending on the jutsu you want to perform, your surroundings can strengthen or weaken it. For instance, a fire-based jutsu would be more powerful in an area with a high temperature. A water-based jutsu would require you to be near some sort of water to make it anywhere near effective."

Ranma nodded. "Okay, I think I got it." He concentrated, pushing ki into his palm. Forming a small Moko-Takabisha, he let it hover above his hand. "Now, let's see if this'll work." Slowly, ever so slowly, he drew chi into the ki ball until it was a shimmering aqua-marine color. "Wonder if this changes anything?" Concentrating, Ranma shot the ball of mixed ki/chi at a spot on the street ahead of them. The ball hit the street and faded quickly.

Ranma cursed. "Crap! It didn't do anything!" Suddenly, there was a flash from the section of street that Ranma had used. "Wha?" There was a thunderous roar and heavy gust of wind knocked the group off their feet.

"Ouch! What happened?" Akane asked as she got to her feet. She noticed that none of the boys were paying attention to her. "Hey! Would you pay attention!"

They still ignored her, looking in rapt fascination at the fifteen foot hole that Ranma's mixed ki ball had created in the street. Ranma was the first to speak. "Wow! That was sweet! I gotta practice that some more!"

Ryoga was stunned. 'So destructive! I've got to see if I can do that!' He built up his ki for a Shi-Shi-Hokodan and held it in his palm. 'Ugh. It's really hard to keep this thing stable. Control is more Ranma's shtick.' He tried feeding a little chi into the ball. It turned a sickly purple color, bulging and twisting as if something were inside it.

Shikamaru paled. "It's unstable! Get down!" He threw himself to the ground, as far away from Ryoga as he could. He saw Naruto starting to jump away when the ball detonated, flinging him roughly across the sidewalk.

As the smoke cleared, Shikamaru could see that Ryoga was still standing. 'He's a monster! How is he still conscious?!'

Ryoga stumbled a bit as he took a step forward. "That…hurt…"

Sakura rushed to his side. "Ryoga-kun! Are you okay!" Ranma snorted. "Yeah, he's fine. Watch this." He cupped his hands over his mouth. "Hey, P-chan!"

Ryoga's head snapped up and he jumped at Ranma. "Who are you calling P-chan!"

Akane smacked Ranma upside the head. "Will you quit picking on Ryoga!"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

Naruto cocked his head to the side, straining his ear toward the distant sound of explosions. "Hey, do you guys hear that? Sounds like a major battle going on over there. I'm gonna go check it out." With that, he hopped up onto a roof and bounded off to the west.

Shikamaru sighed. "So troublesome. That idiot wouldn't get into half as much trouble as he does if he didn't rush into the middle of battles like that."

Sakura nodded. "He's lucky he's got crazy amounts of chakra, otherwise he'd be dead ten times over by now.

She looked up the street toward the sounds of mayhem. "Time to go pull his fat out of the fire again."

* * *

"Sailor Moon, on your left!" Ami shouted as Moon turned to face the oncoming youma. She sweatdropped as Usagi turned a little too fast and tripped over her own feet. The youma, which had already committed itself to a mad dive was ill prepared when the target completely vanished. It landed awkwardly on one arm, flipping and skidding on the pavement until it hit a large ventilation fan on the side of an apartment building.

Usagi sneezed as she got a nose full of youma dust, the fan completely shredding the unfortunate demon. "Where's the youma?!" she cried, head whipping side to side, her pigtails making cracking noises as they broke the sound barrier.

Ami pointed to a small pile of youma dust underneath the fan.

Usagi punched her fist in the air. "Okay! It's time to take out the big one!"

Ami turned to where the purple haired senshi of Saturn was cleaving one of the weaker youma in two. "Saturn! Moon needs a Silence Wall!"

Hotaru nodded and jumped up to take her place beside her queen, magical barrier in place as Usagi charged up her powerful attack. Explosions rippled across the barrier as the youma tried to shoot the fool girls that were skylining themselves on top of the building.

Hotaru calmly held the barrier, grimacing a little as a particularly powerful attack spent itself on the wall of magic. She didn't see the youma climbing the building until it was leaping at her from the side.

'This is going to hurt.' Hotaru braced herself as well as she was able, crossing her arms in front of her face.

"Watch out!" An orange blur jumped in front of her, taking the hit across the chest. The youma snarled at the intruder and drew back its claws for another blow. A well-thrown kunai through its eye turned it into a fine powder. Slowly lowering her arms from her face, Hotaru saw the demon container boy that they had confronted the other day staring at her, concern in his cerulean blue eyes.

He coughed a little, the wet sound rattling in his throat. "Hey, are you okay?

"Yes…I'm fine." She gasped as she saw three bloody strips running down his chest, his orange coat soaking up the blood as it flowed freely from the wound. "Oh! You're hurt!"

Naruto waved dismissively. "It's okay, I've taken worse. I'll be healed up in no time." He studied the cheerleader girl's face, taking note of her odd hair color. 'Huh. She's kinda cute. Why does the purple hair seem familiar?"

Hotaru moved forward and pressed her hands over the wounds. "Hold still, please." Her hands glowed purple as she healed him, the wounds closing up and fading from sight without leaving a scar to show they had been there.

Naruto felt his chest in amazement. "Wow! You're a medic?" He pulled up the front of his shirt to feel his now smooth and unblemished chest.

Hotaru studied him intently. 'Mmmm… he's really muscular. I wonder if Haruka-poppa and Micharu-momma would mind if I got a boyfriend?' She blushed a little as Naruto gave her a hug in thanks.

Naruto pumped a fist in the air. "Now, let's take care of those ugly monsters!"

* * *

"Ryoga, behind you!" Ranma dodged a swipe from an ugly youma, smashing it back into the side of a nearby building. Gliding around the clumsy attack of a tire-shaped youma, he gathered his ki and blasted the unfortunate youma, sending it spinning out of control until it's course was arrested by a chain made of hearts.

Ryoga decapitated the attacking youma, mauling it's head with his heavy umbrella. "Watch your own fight Ranma!" he snarled. Pulling off a few of his bandannas, he sent them spinning off into a dense crowd of demons, shredding their ranks like tissue paper.

Neither noticed two besotted Senshi watching them from the side.

"I call dibs on the one with the pigtail!" Minako said, drooling a little as her licentious thoughts turned to all the fun things they could do together. No more lonely nights for this self-proclaimed Senshi of Love!

"That's okay, I'll take the rugged one with the bandanna. Did you see how strong he is? What a man!" Makoto sighed as she imagined herself in his strong arms, cuddling as only true lovers can.

Both boys felt a chill.

"Hey Ryoga. Did ya' just get the feeling…"

"That someone walked on my grave? Yeah."

They shuddered as one. "Creepy…"

* * *

Ami scanned the battlefield, breathing a sigh of relief. With the unexpected addition of new fighters, the Youma attack changed from a battle into a rout. That one girl who was laying about her with a mallet was really going to town. Hearing a foot scuff behind her, she whirled around, ready to Shabon Spray the area and escape in the confusion. She relaxed a little when she saw it was the boy from the other day. His name was…Shikamaru? Yes, that sounded right.

She lowered her arms, adopting an annoyed expression. "Don't sneak up behind people like that!"

The boy shrugged. "I wasn't trying to sneak up on you. I just wanted to see what you were doing up here. Coordinating the battle?"

Ami nodded. "My offensive skills are poor, so I usually end up as the tactical coordinator. Plus, the Mercury computer gives me an edge and allows me to find weak points."

Shikamaru looked moderately impressed. "Not bad. Your battle strategy could use some work though. The majority of your attacks are ranged, correct?" Ami nodded in confirmation. "Your method of standing off and pounding these monsters isn't bad, but you lack team coordination. Your members need to act as one, not a bunch of people who happen to be fighting in the same spot."

Ami shook her head sadly. "I've tried to teach them to act as a team, but it's very hard. Sailor Moon especially. She wouldn't know coordination if it came up and slapped her in the face with a dead tuna." She giggled a little at her own visual imagery. "Why aren't you down there helping out? You'd probably be a lot of help."

Shikamaru shrugged. "It's too troublesome. They'll be fine on their own."

* * *

"Taaahhh!!" Sakura punched a large youma in the chest, hitting it so hard that her fist kept going to the other side. The youma gave a pained wail and disintegrated into a pile of dust.

Haruka whistled appreciatively as she shish-ke-babed several more of the annoying things on her Space Sword Blaster. "Way to go girl! Good technique!" Sakura flushed in appreciation. Tsunade was a good sensei, but not the most encouraging. Hearing well-deserved praise was nice.

The Senshi of Uranus sidled up to her side. "And a pretty cute little package too!"

Sakura gasped as she felt a hand on her butt. 'Did I just get molested by a woman?'

Micharu jumped at her philandering lover. "Haruka! Don't flirt with other women right in front of me!"

Haruka grinned. "So, it's okay if I do it behind your back? Besides, you can't tell me you wouldn't want to take a roll in the hay with this cutie."

Micharu fumed. "That's completely beside the point! Don't you know the meaning of the word fidelity?"

Sakura took the opportunity to back off quietly so that the crazy lesbian woman wouldn't try to feel her up again.

* * *

A.N. Wow, I didn't think it would be this late…I got about three pages, then nothing for probably a week or so. Another page or two. Then another week. Suddenly, in a crazy fit of work ethic, I sat down and cranked out the rest in a night. Hopefully I haven't lost readership because of my extreme laziness. Also, I tried out a new spacing method. Hopefully, it will improve overall readability.


	10. Red Chakra

Another Fine Mess 10

A.N. You know, I keep trying to wean myself away from pointless violence. …It's not working so well. Is it my fault that unnecessary brutality makes such good scene filler?

* * *

"And so, you can see how this exchange of goods would greatly benefit both Konoha and Sunakagare." The thin, wiry councilor finally finished, self-consciously wiping his forehead as he looked at his audience.

Gaara, the Kazekage of Suna nodded slightly, his ever-neutral facial expression giving no clue as to what he was thinking. "Indeed, it does seem to be a favorable trade. Several medic-ninja to teach our own in return for refined ores and minerals."

The councilor nervously shifted as the Kazekage's relentless stare bored into him. His bland voice was quite unsettling. 'Though I suppose it's better than the psychotic madman he was the last time he came to the village.'

Gaara leaned forward a little, his youth and slightly shorter stature no bar to his commanding presence. "Though Konoha has been a reliable trading partner in times past, I will still require that we receive assurances that you will give us your best medic ninjas to teach ours."

The councilor nodded quickly. "Of course, Kazekage-sama! We will have those papers for you today."

Gaara nodded. "Temari will provide you with our written agreements soon." He shifted slightly in his chair. "I assume that is all the business that we have for today?"

The councilor nodded. "Your accommodations have been arranged. ANBU will show you to your living quarters."

Gaara gave a slight shake of his head, pushing back his chair and rising to his feet. "I do not require lodging. I have made my own accommodations."

"Really?" the councilor asked in surprise. "May I ask with whom?" If the Kazekage had taken a liking to one of the Konoha kunoichi, the two towns could be closer bound politically. It wouldn't even take a marriage of convenience.

"I will be staying with Naruto. He has agreed to let me stay in his apartment, provided I take the couch."

The councilor gaped. "The demon brat?!" Then he remembered just who he was talking to. "Uh…that is…"

Gaara narrowed his eyes slightly. Most of Konoha still resented Naruto, just as his own village had both feared and resented him. Unfortunately, he couldn't go killing foreign dignitaries on a whim. "I will have those papers for you later today."

With a final glare, the Kazekage swept out of the room, leaving behind a terrified councilor who was trying very hard not to lose control of his bladder.

* * *

Having finally concluded his meeting, Gaara went in search of the obnoxious, blond haired demon container. Having several of his favorite spots committed to memory, he went first to Ichiraku's ramen stand. The elusive blond was not to be found there, unfortunately, so with a mumbled grunt that could have been some sort of thanks, Gaara went to look in the other places the boy so often frequented.

He had been looking forward to seeing his best friend, and probably his only. Without the blonde, his next closest source of affection was his sister Temari. Although she loved him, she was still somewhat wary of him. He could feel the tenseness through the hugs that she gave him, her body stiffening as if to brace itself for death.

During one of his council meetings, one of the councilors had brought up the possibility that Naruto might be…something more than a friend to the lonely Kazekage, asking that he at least marry a female to cement the bonds between Konoha and Suna. His death had been slow and filled with painful screaming and pleas for mercy.

After that episode, no one had had the nerve to question the nature of his relationship with Naruto. Gaara could never see himself in anything but friendship with the cheery blonde. To even think of anything else seemed…perverted, or unnatural.

He next checked outside the women's bath, as Naruto would sometimes resort there to try and catch his sensei, Jiraiya. Both the pervert and his student were missing, however, and not even in the surrounding areas that he used his third eye to examine.

While using his third eye, he inadvertently got an eyeful of the female section of the baths. With casual disinterest, he scanned the throng of naked beauties, seeing if any of them could prompt some sort of reaction.

'Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.' One of the older women caught his eye in particular. A Jounin if he remembered correctly. What was her name…? Somehow he couldn't remember, although he remembered that she had a penchant for wearing fishnet clothing and little else. The crazy Jounin that had been there at the entrance of the forest of death.

There was a wild darkness in her that the remnants of Shukaku's psych found extremely attractive. He could even feel that slight stirrings of that alien feeling he had surmised to be desire. Seeing as it wasn't accomplishing anything, he dispersed the third eye and finally decided to just ask the Hokage where Naruto was.

After all, if he couldn't find Naruto, he couldn't practice his fledgling social skills that the boy had been trying so hard to impress on him.

* * *

Temari looked outwardly calm, though inwardly she was nervous. The Hokage looked evenly at her over steepled hands. She shifted nervously in her seat as the prolonged silence took its toll on her finely honed mask of neutrality.

Finally, the Hokage leaned back, hands resting lightly on her desk. "So you want to 'strengthen Konoha and Suna's bonds' by marrying into the Nara clan?"

Temari nodded. "Yes Hokage-sama. As the child of the former Kazekage, your village's position would be greatly strengthened from a political marriage of this sort."

Tsunade gave her a knowing look. "A marriage of convenience, hmmm?"

Temari flushed. "I can't say it would be too much of a burden…"

The Hokage snorted roughly. "Well, I can't see any reason to object to this. That lazy lout will be forty before he finally makes up his mind otherwise. I have only one condition. In the unlikely event that he somehow already has a girlfriend or significant other, the contract will be null and void."

Temari barely resisted the urge to do a happy dance. Shika-kun was as good as hers! The only real competition she had was that blonde haired tart Ino and she already knew Shika wasn't dating her. She gave a mental squeal of excitement. "Ah, just one thing Hokage-sama. Please don't let Gaara find out. I'm afraid of how he'll react."

"Don't let me find out what?" came a menacing voice from behind Tsunade. Temari shrieked, and Tsunade barely restrained herself. 'The boy is like a ghost! I truly never felt anything until her revealed himself!" She pressed a hand against her chest to calm her racing heart.

Gaara stepped from behind the Hokage's chair, a tendril of sand hissing and writhing out of the gourd he had strapped to his back. "What is it that I am not supposed to find out?"

Temari sweated profusely. "Um…" Her eyes flickered around the room, not quite able to meet Gaara's piercing gaze.

Tsunade decided to take matters into her own hands. "We were discussing a matter of political nature." The Kazekage raised an eyebrow. "It doesn't seem like much of a secret. Surely this isn't the thing you tried to hide from me."

Tsunade shook her head. 'The kid's pretty sharp.' "No, we were discussing Temari marrying into the Nara clan."

Gaara's frown deepened and his sand twisted and hissed around his body. "No-one is allowed to take my precious people. No-one."

Temari gulped. "B..but Gaara! We could move to Suna! We could still be there for you!"

The red-haired Kazekage considered this, his sand still hissing angrily around him in random patterns. "Very well. I suppose I can condone it." The sand calmed down and filtered back into the gourd.

Temari was very relieved. "Thank you Gaara!" She flung herself at her brother and enveloped him in a hug.

And for the first time ever, her body wasn't shaking.

* * *

Jiraiya stepped out of the portal, looking around him quickly to establish a clear area. Seeing no immediate threats, he took the small stone marker out of his pocket and let it dangle. The stone remained unresponsive.

"Well, it's not this one." With a shrug, Jiraiya pocketed the stone. "Now, which dimension was this?" He looked around him. By all appearances, it was a perfectly normal forest. A rustling patch of tall grass drew his attention. A bright yellow head peeked out, pointed ears cocked and ready.

"Pika-pi?"

Jiraiya grimaced. "Oh that's right, this is the universe with the freaky summons. Stupid fire breathing lizards…"

* * *

"So, thanks a lot for helping! I didn't think regular people could fight youma!" Sailor Moon looked confused as Ranma and Ryoga burst out laughing.

"We're…anything but normal." Ranma gasped out in between convulsions.

"I'll say!" Haruka said enthusiastically, smiling widely as Sakura jumped a little.

Sakura shuddered as she once again felt the older woman's hand in a place where it had no right being. "Stop feeling me up!" she shouted, smacking Haruka's hand away.

Micharu was not amused. "HARUKA! You're sleeping on the couch tonight!"

Haruka grinned unapologetically. "It was totally worth it." She copped another quick feel before Sakura could react.

Naruto couldn't contain himself any longer. "So, you two are…that means…" He shuddered as a trickle of blood leaked out of his nose, staining the front of his orange vest. "And with Sakura-chan…" he threw his hands over his nose as the blood gushed freely.

Sakura turned a rosy pink color. "Idiot! What are you imagining?!"

"Icha Icha, book four, page ten." Mumbled Naruto from behind cupped hands. From the look on Sakura's face, he immediately knew that his answer was not the wisest of his possible responses.

"DIE!" Naruto jumped out of the way as Sakura barreled past him. A metal signpost that was unfortunate enough to be in the way of the rampaging pink-haired kunouichi was mangled beyond all repair as Sakura's fist punched a gaping hole straight through it. "Don't you dare use me in your sick fantasies!"

"Nonono, it wasn't all that sick! I swear!" Naruto shouted. "Not like that one with Anko, Kurenai, Temari, Hinata and Sakura-chan anyway…" He gulped. "I…probably shouldn't have said that, huh?"

Ranma, Shikamaru and Ryoga nodded sadly.

"Don't worry, we'll get you a nice headstone Naruto. Well, at least it'll be nice before Konohamaru spray-paints it some glaringly tacky color." Shikamaru said, averting his eyes from the brutality to come. He didn't need any more mental scarring. He'd gotten plenty from that time he'd walked in on his parents…copulating…on the kitchen table. Of course, the truly disturbing part had been seeing his mother in black leather holding a huge bullwhip.

Ryoga looked at Shikamaru in curiosity as he clutched his head and fell to his knees. "Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts!" The lazy chuunin gasped as he shook his head a few times to clear it.

Naruto, realizing the futility of trying to escape, clasped his hands together and started chanting prayers to whatever kami happened to be listening at the moment. Maybe he could get some sympathy from the god of perverts or something.

* * *

Sailor Moon winced at the inhuman levels of brutality that were inflicted upon the spiky haired demon container. Rei on the other hand, was offering running commentary with Setsuna.

"Well, that looked painful."

"Yes, but not as bad as that move we saw earlier. I tell you, that was just brutal."

"No disagreement there, but still…"

"Ooooh! And there's a nasty punch! That'll keep him down for awhile!"

Hotaru had witnessed enough. Stepping over to Sakura, she grabbed Sakura's right wrist, stopping it cold. "Don't you think that's enough? He's not fighting back at all."

Sakura nodded. "I guess so. I really didn't mean to go crazy like that. There's just something about Naruto that's so…beatable." She scratched her head in puzzlement. "That doesn't really make sense but I can't find a better way to describe it."

Akane nodded vigorously. "Oh, I know what you mean! Ranma's the same way!"

Ranma muttered something unintelligible and probably sarcastic.

Sakura shrugged. "I'm still not gonna apologize. Five girls! He should be ashamed of himself."

Hotaru sighed heavily. "Well I guess I can't ask any more. Please stand back." She pressed a glowing palm to Naruto's chest, noting in fascination that a bright red glow mixed with the purple, making it even more effective. Within a ridiculously short time, cracked bones re-knit and bruises faded into healthy looking skin.

She stepped back, sagging slightly as the drain of healing caught up with her. "There, he should be fine."

Setsuna cleared her throat. "Sailor Senshi, I believe your job is done. We should leave." 'Before Happosai shows up. That evil little man shows up at the worst possible times.'

The Senshi nodded and departed as one, only splitting up when they were a good distance away.

* * *

Naruto opened his eyes slowly, tentatively moving his arms. To his surprise, they didn't hurt at all. Then he saw that he was ankle-deep in water, in front of some large metal bars. 'Oh great, the fox again.'

"**THAT'S RIGHT, KIT! GOOD TO SEE YOU'RE NOT QUITE AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK**!" The enormous snarling visage of the nine-tailed fox appeared through the bars, eyes glowing red as smoke puffed out of its nostrils.

Naruto pointed an accusing finger at the fox. "Hey! Since when could you read my thoughts!"

"**SINCE ALWAYS RUNT! NOW SHUT UP AND LISTEN**." The fox bent down, putting his face closer to Naruto's. "**YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE THAT PURPLE HAIRED GIRL AS YOUR MATE. I'M GOING TO USE A LITTLE OF MY POWER TO MAKE YOUR BODY PRODUCE PHEROMES. THEY ARE HIGHLY POTENT, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE BENDING HER TO YOU**."

Naruto bristled. "Now wait a minute you stupid fox! Who said I wanted to have her as a girlfriend anyway!"

The fox chuckled, a sinister sounding laugh. "**I KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS KIT! I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T MIND ALL THAT MUCH. BESIDES, I SAID MATE, NOT GIRLFRIEND**."

"Yeah, but why her? Why not Sakura-chan?"

"**THE PINK HAIRED FANGIRL? YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I THAT YOU'LL NEVER HAVE HER**."

Naruto looked a little depressed at this information. "Well…why the purple haired one?"

The fox smiled, revealing a mouth of razor sharp teeth. "**THE GIRL IS A LIVING CHAOS AMPLIFIER. SHE, LIKE YOU, ALSO HAD A POWERFUL DEMON SEALED INSIDE HER. MOST BEINGS WHEN THEY HAVE A DEMON SEALED INSIDE THEM BECOME NATURAL CHAOS MAGNETS. TAKE YOUR FRIEND RANMA FOR EXAMPLE. HE HAS A MINOR CAT DEMON BONDED TO HIS PYSCHE. CAT DEMONS ARE EVEN MORE CHAOTIC THAN MOST, EVEN THOUGH DEMONS ARE NATURAL BEINGS OF CHAOS**."

"Hey! Is this why I'm always getting beaten up?" Naruto asked, a frown forming on his face.

The fox chuckled again. "**NO, THAT'S YOUR OWN FAULT KIT. NOW SHUT UP, I'M NOT DONE TALKING. THIS GIRL, THOUGH SHE HAD A DEMON INSIDE OF HER, WAS NATURALLY AN INCREDIBLY STRONG BEING OF ORDER. THE TWO NATURES CLASHED, AND FINALLY SETTLED ON A COMPROMISE. NOW, SHE AFFECTS CHAOS, BUT ONLY PASSIVELY, BY AMPLIFYING. IN SUMMARY, SHE'S GOING TO PROVIDE ME A LOT OF ENTERTAINMENT**."

The fox cleared his throat, the sound echoing around the wide chamber. "**AND FINALLY, AS AN INCENTIVE TO YOU, WHEN THE GIRL'S BODY CATCHES UP WITH HER ACTUAL AGE, BY HUMAN STANDARDS, SHE WILL BE QUITE BEAUTIFUL**."

Naruto was skeptical. "Prettier than Sakura-chan?"

"**MUCH PRETTIER. NOW, IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU SHOULD BE WAKING UP**."

Naruto nodded, and the scene started to blur as he slowly woke up. Another demon container(albeit previous) as a girlfriend? It didn't sound like such a bad deal. Besides, the girl was pretty cute.

* * *

A.N. Ya know, it hit me while I was re-reading this to check for errors for the umpteenth time that Naruto and Gaara's relationship bears some similarity to Ranma and Ryoga's. Except that Ryoga isn't psychotic. And Ranma had his dad as he was growing up. But other than that, they've both got the friend/rival thing going on. Also, on a completely different note, I think Anko is one of the most universally static characters in Naruto fanfiction. She's almost always **A: Slightly Crazy** - **B: Sadistic/Masochistic** - **C: Perpetually Horny **or a liberal fusion of two or more of those traits.

Random Quote:

"_Mindless drones! Return to your ugly families!_ Montgomery Burns( The Simpsons)


	11. Sensei Anko?

Another Fine Mess 11

**A.N. **To that unsigned reviewer last chapter. I was gonna reply to you directly, but you didn't leave me with anything to contact you by. So anyway, I'll do it here. I'm really trying not to make Naruto look dumb. In fact, I don't think he's dumb at all. Not genius level, certainly, but of average intelligence. He's also with two of the brainiest people in the Naruto-verse at the moment. That can tend to draw the line pretty distinctly.

But anyway, Naruto is a great guy, friendly, caring, optimistic, and all sorts of other good traits. But you gotta admit, the guy's a goofball. Now to me, that's one of his most endearing character traits. Also, his perpetual semi-naiveness really makes me warm up to him. So let's just have a little laugh at our favorite character's peculiarities. I won't charge you guys anything. Uh…not that Naruto's my favorite character. That would be a 50/50 tie between Gaara and Shikamaru. But he's at least on the top 10. Come to think of it, maybe I'll list my top ten male characters right in the author's notes, just so you know whom I'm biased towards…and also because I apparently love to talk about myself. Go figure. If you don't care, skip ahead to the actual story.

**1. Shikamaru** – A genius, and a lazy one at that…What's not to love? All Kishimoto has to do now is make him slightly perverted and he will be the perfect character.

**2. Gaara **– Gotta love the attitude. Plus, his fight with Kimmimaro was the coolest thing I've ever seen.

**3. Chouji** – What a great guy. Friendly, loyal, and cheerful, not to mention being a human wrecking ball. This guy kicks all kinds of butt.

**4. Tobi** – Ah, you gotta love cheerful, bouncy incompetence. I liked him better before we found out he was Uchiha Madara, but he's still cool.

**5. Lee** – Hopelessly optimistic, fighting against all odds, great comic relief, yet still able to floor most ninja in his class, Lee is the epitome of the old maxim that you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover.

**6. Kimmimaro (Bone guy) –** Tragic backstory, but you have to respect a guy that gets off his deathbed and beats a high-Chuunin level ninja and a Jounin level ninja into submission until he literally drops dead. Oh yeah, and he has to fight Naruto too.

**7. Naruto** - Ha! Told you he was on my top ten!

**8. Itachi** – Well, he's like a cooler, stronger version of Sasuke, but without the self-loathing.

**9. Jiraiya** – Great guy for comic relief. And perverts are really funny, when done correctly.

**10. Deidara – **I really don't know why I like this guy. He's just got something about him that captures my attention.

* * *

"Hey old freak! We need your help!"

"Ranma! Try asking him nicely!"

"That's right m-boy! You should respect your elders!"

Naruto groaned as slowly regained consciousness. As per normal, there was no headache and his body felt at one hundred percent. Having the fox's chakra to heal him was really useful sometimes.

"Ha! I'll give you respect when you do something to earn it ya old coot!"

-Sniff- "Such disrespect to your master…Genma really failed when he trained you. Never gave you a proper sense of respect. Oh well…" There was the sound of water splashing. "Sweeto! Ranma, I'll help you if you'll wear this little number!"

"Gaaah! Get away from me you old lech!" The sounds of extreme violence echoed off the rafters of Happosai's little room.

Shikamaru noticed Naruto stirring and gave the blond a lift to his feet. "You feeling better?"

Naruto nodded. He noticed the little old man that had chased those hentai schoolgirls off the other day was chasing a small but busty redhead around the small room. "Who's that girl?"

Shikamaru grimaced. "That's Ranma."

Naruto's eyes bugged out. "No way! He knows the Sexy Jutsu too?"

Shikamaru shook his head, gesturing at an empty glass that was rolling across the floor. "No, it seems to be some sort of water based change. I'm going to ask him about that when the old man stops chasing him around."

As they completed another circuit of the room, Happosai made another attempt to get the lacy white bra onto his reluctant student. Ranma barely dodged, letting the old freak bounce off the wall behind him.

Naruto scratched his head in confusion. "So, what are they doing again?"

Shikamaru sighed. "Looks like the old man is trying to get Ranma to wear that bra in exchange for giving us information." He shook his head. "Troublesome…"

Naruto wasn't about to let an opportunity slip away from them. "Hey, old man! Can you help us out?"

Happosai bounced off another wall as he made another effort at catching Ranma. As he landed lightly on the floor, he looked at the blonde haired boy closely. "That's one powerful aura you've got there boy. You must be one of those Jinchuuriki."

Naruto was flabbergasted. "Wha…how…"

Happosai chuckled. "How did I know? I've been a lot of places in my three hundred years. You tend to pick up a few things here and there."

Naruto started as the fox's voice rang in his head. "**WATCH THIS ONE, KIT! HE HAS FAR MORE LIFE ENERGY THAN A HUMAN SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO HAVE! THIS OLD MAN IS THE SLAYER OF DEMONS**."

'Slayer of demons? What are you talking about?' Naruto growled in frustration as the fox didn't answer.

Shikamaru, however, raised his head in interest. "If you are familiar with the Tailed Beasts, you must have visited our dimension at some point. Can you help us get back there? We've been trying to find a way home."

Happosai looked at him shrewdly. "Well now, that depends. What would you give me if I help you out?"

Shikamaru shrugged. "What do you want?"

"Women!" Happosai drooled a little as he fantasized about his very own harem. "Hehehe…boobies…."

Shikamaru looked nonplussed as the little old man cackled. "I…really don't have any to give you."

"Well then, that's too bad now isn't it?" Happosai turned away and started folding up the bra.

Naruto spoke up from the sidelines. "Ah! I've got it! This worked really well on Ero-sennin!"

Happosai felt a large spike of chakra and turned to face the spiky blonde. "Kagebunshin no Jutsu!" The old man raised an eyebrow as the room was suddenly filled with Naruto clones.

"Not too shabby kid. But you're going to need more than shadow clones to beat me."

Naruto grinned. "I'm not done yet!" He raced through a few hand seals. "HAREM NO JUTSU!" Happosai was stunned into inactivity as the room was suddenly filled with naked blonde girls giggling and cooing as they surrounded him.

A single, happy tear dropped from his eye. "SWEEEEEETOOOOO!" He launched himself into a pack of girls and snuggled into one of the clone's cleavage, sighing contentedly as the clone held him there with its soft hands. "Paradise…"

He was dropped roughly to the floor as Naruto dispelled his shadow clones. "Nooooo…bring back my beautiful harem…" He sniffled a little. Then he turned and gave Naruto an enthusiastic thumbs up. "Boy, I declare that the best jutsu ever! How would you like to become my apprentice?"

Naruto paled and shook his head. "No thanks. I've already had one pervert for a sensei, I don't need another one! Jiraiya-sensei is enough for me thank you!"

Happosai paused in the act of lighting his pipe. "Did you say Jiraiya? Tall, long spiky hair? Summons toads?"

Naruto nodded. "Yeah! Do you know Ero-sennin?"

Happosai chuckled. "I should say so! He was my best student I ever had! Until Ranma, that is."

Ignoring Ranma's "I ain't your student!" from the side, Naruto, Shikamaru and Sakura stared at the old lecher in disbelief.

"You mean…"

"Ero-sennin was trained by…"

"No wonder he's so perverted."

Happosai looked out the small window of his loft, sighing in nostalgia. "Ah, those were some great times…the heady thrill of running away from mobs of women, the satisfaction I got when he'd finally get a technique right…" He trailed off, puffing his pipe contentedly.

Suddenly, as if just remembering something, he refocused on Naruto. "How's his other sensei, Sarutobi? He used to come on some of our raids." He laughed out loud. "Sometimes we'd throw Jiraiya into the pack of women. Toughened him right up."

There was an awkward silence as Naruto and Sakura looked down at the floor.

Shikamaru coughed into his hand. "Um…Sarutobi-Hokage is dead. He died to protect Konoha from Orochimaru."

Happosai looked troubled. "Orochimaru? What happened, did he go crazy or something? He was part of Jiraiya's team too."

Sakura looked reluctant, but spoke up anyway. "Orochimaru was classified as a missing-nin when they found him performing horrible experiments and researching forbidden jutsu. He fled the scene and wasn't seen for many years. During our Chunin exams preliminaries, he disguised himself as a grass ninja and infiltrated the exam. Later, he killed the fourth Kazekage and took his spot in the viewers box at the exams. Then, he attacked Sarutobi-Hokage as the Sand and Sound countries conducted a simultaneous attack on Konoha. During the battle, Sarutobi-Hokage managed to seal Orochimaru's arms, assuring that he couldn't use jutsu. With his arms useless and his forces being repulsed, Orochimaru fled the town and is still at large."

She took a deep breath. "Apparently, he was researching an immortality jutsu, in order to keep him alive long enough to learn all of the jutsu in the world."

Happosai was frowning now. "Immortality jutsu…the fool doesn't even know the power he's messing with. Nothing good can ever come of immortality." He gave a heavy sigh. "I may have to pay the whelp a visit. I suspected he would turn out bad…"

Sakura tentatively touched the old man on the shoulder. "So, um…could you help us get back to our dimension?"

Happosai turned distractedly. "What's that? Oh right, getting you back. I'll teach shadow clone boy here how to do the jutsu as he's probably the only one with chakra reserves big enough to do it." He looked pointedly at Shikamaru. "You're a smart one, I think. Still, you'd probably pass out in exhaustion before you could successfully use the jutsu."

He turned back toward the wall, clasping his hands behind his back. "Come back later and we'll start your training. But for now, leave me alone. I have a lot to think about."

* * *

Jiraiya stepped out of another hole in the fabric of reality, grimacing as his feet sunk into soft, muddy ground. Using a basic earth jutsu, he dried the soil until it was firm and stable.

Fishing the little compass out of his shirt, he held it lightly and watched as it dangled in the breeze. 'Nothing here either…'

Feeling a soft nudging at his feet, he looked down to see a very peculiar animal. It looked somewhat like a cross between a cat and a rabbit. Bending down, he petted its head, chuckling as it pushed up into his hand.

"Well aren't you the cute one? What are you supposed to be?" To his surprise, the animal…morphed…into a furry looking child. "Miya!" it said enthusiastically, hugging his waist and offering it's head for more petting.

He recovered his wits and petted its head again as it made little mewling noises of pleasure. "Certainly didn't expect that…do you turn into anything else?" he laughed jokingly.

The little furry animal/child released its hold on his waist and stood back. "Miya, miya!" With a flash, the child transformed into the biggest sentient structure that Jiraiya had ever seen in his life. It appeared to be some sort of crystalline structure and it was hovering just above the tree line.

He sweatdropped as a loud, "Miya!" echoed through the forest.

"And just when I thought it couldn't get any weirder than karaoke night with Might Gai…"

* * *

Hinata blushed as she stood outside of Anko's apartments. She hated to go to the town bicycle for information on men, but Anko would most likely be able to help her the best.

She gave a little rap on the door. There was some rustling from inside the house.

"Who the heck is knocking on my door?"

"Ahh, just ignore it Anko-chan! They'll come back later."

"No, it's probably something important. We can continue in a minute."

Hinata turned cherry red as she realized that she had probably interrupted the promiscuous kunoichi and whoever her latest conquest was.

The door swung open and Anko blinked in surprise as she saw a red-faced Hinata standing on her front steps.

"Hmmm? What brings you here kid? Kinda far out of your normal circle isn't it?"

Hinata averted her eyes, as Anko was wearing her mesh vest and nothing else. "U..um well…" she fidgeted a little, pressing the tips of her fingers together. "I..I j..just needed to talk to you…I..I'll come back l..later." She turned to flee, but Anko grabbed her by the shoulder.

"Now hold on a second. Why are you so nervous?"

Hinata flushed again with embarrassment. "W..well, um…I d..didn't want to interrupt you…"

Anko shrugged. "Nah, it's cool. Me and Ibiki can continue whenever. We're only at foreplay right now."

She paused as she saw Hinata's face go blank. "Hey, are you okay kid?"

Hinata blinked. "One moment please…Not…done…being…traumatized………Okay, I'm good." She twitched a little as Anko clapped her on the shoulder.

"How about I meet you at that ramen place that that demon container always goes to? Say in…two hours? Ibiki's got plenty of stamina, but we should be finished by then."

Hinata nodded mutely as she backed away from the mostly naked kunoichi. "Um…I..I'll s..see you there." She turned and took off at a run, stepping on an unlucky cat that had the misfortune to get in her way.

Anko scratched her head as she watched Hinata's purple hair vanish in the distance. "Was it something I said?"

* * *

By the time Anko had arrived at the little ramen stand (half an hour late), Hinata had mostly gotten her blush under control. The older kunoichi slid onto a stool next to the purple haired girl, grinning sheepishly.

"Sorry about that! Ibiki was pretty enthusiastic today!"

Hinata paled. "T..that's okay."

Anko snapped her fingers. "Hey, one pork ramen!" She turned back to the smaller girl. "So, what did you want to talk to me about?"

Hinata blushed and fidgeted as she stared at the floor. "W..well, there's this b..boy I l..l..like and um…I thought you'd know the most about m..men and um…"

Anko took her pork ramen from Teuchi and dug in with gusto. "So, you want some help catching your man's attention." Hinata nodded bashfully.

Anko drained her bowl of the broth and slammed it back down on the counter. "Ahhhh! It's not quite dango, but it'll do." She wiped her mouth with her coat sleeve before turning back to Hinata. "Right! So, who's the lucky guy? One of your teammates?"

Hinata shook her head. "N..no. K..kiba-kun and Shino are very nice b..but…"

Anko nodded. "Okay…not one of your teammates…hmmmm…" She trailed off into deep thought. "Oh! Is it Neji?" Hinata's jaw dropped open as she stared at Anko in disbelief. "W..what! N..neji-nisaan? Gross!"

Anko shrugged. "Eh, it's not that uncommon really. A lot of the big clans do it as a way of keeping the bloodline pure." She tapped her fingers on the table. "Well, how about you just tell me instead of me taking shots blindly in the dark?"

Hinata fidgeted a little, not entirely willing to reveal the name of her crush. Finally though, her need for advice won out over her inherent bashfulness. "I..it's N..Naruto-kun."

Anko whistled. "Not too bad kid! With his…special chakra his endurance levels should be through the roof!"

Hinata turned red again, causing her to wobble as she imagined her and Naruto doing… "Erk!" She slapped herself a few times to get the mildly disturbing, yet strangely compelling image out of her head.

Anko clapped the smaller girl on the back, making her cough. "Ok, the first thing we have to do is get him to notice you! I recommend taking off that heavy jacket and wearing some low cut shirts. And those pants should be exchanged for some hip hugging jeans."

Hinata quailed at the thought, but took out a small notebook and started taking notes.

Anko nodded in satisfaction. "The second step, once you've got his attention is to get him alone somewhere and seduce him. He's kinda clueless, so you'll have to be pretty blatant." She opened one of the inner pouches on her jacket and pulled out a small book. "This should give you some ideas. You can go to Kakashi later and ask for some supplementary material. That Icha Icha series he's always reading isn't too bad. Gave me a lot of new ideas."

Hinata eyed the cover of the book with unease. Somehow, a book with the title, "Getting Laid for Dummies" didn't exactly inspire confidence in her. And why was Anko carrying a copy of the book around with her anyway? "A..are you s..sure this w..will work?" she asked skeptically, turning the book over to look at the nondescript back.

Anko grinned at Hinata. "Sure it will! Tell you what, why don't you come back to my house and I can show you some advanced jutsu to help you along."

Hinata nodded slowly. It wasn't like she had anything planned for the rest of the day anyway. Besides, she was willing to make some sacrifices in her quest for Naruto-kun.

* * *

As she walked through the door of Anko's apartment, Hinata stared in surprise. Her apartment was surprisingly simple, a single bed, a couch and loveseat, a TV and a small kitchen area.

Anko misinterpreted her staring and waved flippantly. "Yeah, I know it's not much, but I really don't need any more. All my wants are taken care of."

Hinata blushed. "N..no, it's very nice."

Anko snorted. "You don't have to sugar coat it kid. It's really low class. Don't worry, it doesn't bother me. Now, I need to teach you some advanced jutsu. First, we're going to work on a contraception jutsu. Unless you want to try to get pregnant right away."

Hinata shook her head empathetically. "N..no, not right away. Maybe in a few years. After we get married."

Anko nodded. "Okay, now watch my hands and copy my seals." Anko demonstrated several simple seals. "Now, you try it."

It took the better part of a half hour to get Hinata's seals to match Anko's standards. Finally, the older kunoichi nodded in satisfaction. "Very good! Now, something a little more advanced. "First, I've got a question though. Have you ever thought about being intimate with another woman?"

"W..w…w..what?!" Hinata choked out.

Anko stared evenly at her. "Well? It's a valid question. I understand the kid can turn into a woman. Or maybe sometime he'll wanna bring in another woman to spice it up. I can tell you that he'll probably ask that question at least once."

Hinata blushed so hard that steam started rising off her face. "N..no! I've n..never…" she trailed off as Anko continued to gaze levelly. "………W..well, maybe a f..few times…"

Anko nodded solemnly. "Good! Then I can teach you this jutsu without it being a complete waste of time! As you well know, you don't really have the proper equipment for being with another woman. That's where this little beauty of a jutsu comes in handy. Now, make sure you watch very carefully, this jutsu is really tricky."

Anko concentrated as she formed a complex series of hand seals.

"Futanari no Jutsu!"

There was a puff of smoke and when it cleared, Anko was looking mostly unchanged save for a conspicuous bulge in her shorts below her stomach area. "Now, when you get really good at this, you can control the length and width as well as…" She stopped abruptly as she saw that Hinata was sprawled out on the floor, out cold.

"Whoops! Guess that was too much all at once!" she said sheepishly, chuckling nervously.

She picked Hinata up and laid her out on the couch. They could continue after the kid woke up. In the meantime, she was feeling like some dango.

* * *

**A.N.** Poor, poor Hinata. She has no idea what she's getting into. In regards to that last part, I couldn't get the image of Anko saying "Futanari no Jutsu!" out of my head. It was good and stuck there for the better part of two weeks. This could mean one of two things. Either I'm a disgusting pervert with a twisted sense of humor or the pharmacist mixed up my medication. Either way, it doesn't look good. For those of you who don't know what futanari means, it's essentially a girl with a…penis. Sai would be extremely confused. So, if this one was over the top, let me know and I'll cut back.

On a side note, what is with the extreme amounts of bad yaoi fanfiction in the Naruto category? I can't get through one page of stories without seeing at least two or three that have a tagline about 'high school Sasu/Naru', 'businessman Sasu/Naru', or just plain 'Sasu/Naru'. Now it's not so much that these are yaoi that ticks me off, although it is a part of the problem. It's the fact that eight or nine out of ten of these things are ridiculously poorly written. Terrible grammar, no plot, and the number of spelling mistakes approach the heinous mark. These are stories that are apparently only written so that some fangirls could squeal their lungs out. Yeah, I'm done ranting now.

Until next time,

Kazekagesama23


	12. Youma At Table One

Another Fine Mess 12

**A.N.** Well, I did get one review saying that I was a bit out of line last chapter. I'll be cutting back on the blatant sexual humor. The awkward sexual tension will probably still be there though.

Also, I have no idea how long it's been since I updated, but I figure at least a month. I'm going to be alternating between this and my other major story "A Darker Path Taken". Heh, the dumb thing was supposed to be a oneshot but I got so many positive reviews, I decided to crank out another chapter or two. Then, my straying fingers started writing stuff I never intended for them to write…Now I actually have the beginnings of a story I'm looking forward to working on. So, to get to the point, updates will seem delayed, but in reality, I'll be writing almost twice as often, but releasing staggered updates. Sorry if anybody is disappointed.

On a related note, I'm going to school full-time and working thirtyish hours a week in between. I'm really adamant about passing my classes, and with all the papers due, I have much less time to write than I would like. Just fair warning to all of you.

* * *

Ukyo hummed a toneless little tune as she flipped a pork okonamiyaki. Business was booming and Ucchan's was going to turn in a great annual profit this year.

"Konatsu! Run in the back and get me some wheat flour!"

The effeminate ninja looked up from where he was serving a customer. "Yes, miss Ukyo! Should I get some more sauce as well?"

Ukyo shook her head as she sprinkled her creation with some natto. "No, I have an extra barrel under the counter, I shouldn't need one for a while."

Flipping the finished product onto a plate, she slid it down the grill to a young businessman who was eagerly awaiting his meal. With mumbled thanks, he dug into the okonamiyaki with gusto.

Ukyo sighed as she started making another okonamiyaki, her hands moving out of sheer habit as her mind started to drift. It had been almost three years, three long years since she had come to Nerima, looking for revenge.

'And what do I have to show for it? A business that gives me no time to see Ran-chan, two suitors who look more like girls than I do, and a fiancée who's only in when he wants to talk to his buddy "Ucchan".'

He hand tightened around the spatula handle, warping the metal as a thin red aura flashed around her. 'And he always wants to talk about Akane! Always Akane! Is it too much to ask to talk about us sometimes! I mean, how would he like it if I started talking about Ryoga or something!'

"Mistress Ukyo!"

'Well, not that I feel anything for the lost boy, but it's the principle! You don't talk to your fiancée about other women!'

"Mistress Ukyo!"

'Next time he comes in I'm gonna to tell him not to mention Akane. That is, if the jackass can stop saying her name every five seconds.'

"MISTRESS UKYO!"

Ukyo started as Konatsu shook her shoulder. "What is it 'Natsu?" Konatsu pointed over his shoulder at a large group assembled in the entryway. "Ranma-san is here to see you."

"Hey, Ranchan!" Ukyo said, a pleased grin spreading across her face. Her smile slipped a little as she saw that he had brought the lost boy, Akane and a couple of other people that she didn't recognize.

"Hey Ucchan! I hope you don't mind us dropping in on you. I brought these guys here to get the best okonamiyaki in Japan!"

Ukyo smiled widely at the praise. "Well, right now you can call it second best. My old man is still in business."

Shikamaru rubbed his stomach as it churned ominously. "Do most of your daily routines center around food? First you take us to that Cat Café to get some ramen and now you bring us to another restaurant. My stomach can't really hold any more."

Naruto drooled as he remembered the ramen that they had gotten at the Cat Café. The flavor had been better than any he'd ever had before. It was so good that he had actually cried tears of joy. Although it had been a little awkward after he asked Shampoo to marry him. What with her hyper slapping him into unconsciousness while shouting: "Shampoo only marry Ranma!"

Ranma sweated profusely as four mini spatulas splintered the floor around him.

"You took them to that old ghoul's restaurant before you brought them to mine?!"

Ranma waved his hands as he backed away from the irate girl. "No, I just needed to ask the old ghoul a question! Honest! Y..you know I wouldn't lie to you, right Ucchan?" He grinned nervously as her eyes narrowed.

"Wouldn't lie to me, huh?" Ukyo snorted, relaxing her grip on her mega-spatula handle. "That'll be the day Ranchan." She turned back to her grill and slid off the okonamiyaki. "Konatsu, take this to table four, in the corner there."

The effeminate ninja nodded and slipped the steaming hot okonamiyaki onto a plate before silently gliding over to his appointed table.

Ukyo grabbed another dollop of batter and threw it on the grill. "So, what'll you have?"

Ranma grinned disarmingly at Ukyo. "Just give us whatever the special is. I'm sure it'll be good."

Ukyo shook her head as she ladled a second glop of batter onto the frying pan. "Flattery won't get you out of paying for your meals." She almost laughed out loud at Ranma's distressed expression.

"Anyway, I think that…" A loud crash turned everyone's heads as the left wall of Ucchan's was demolished. Standing in the newly created hole was what at first appeared to be a human woman, but on closer inspection was revealed to be a youma. The youma had what appeared to be some sort of pencil-like growths on its shoulders and arms.

The unfortunate people who happened to be nearest the wall all collapsed bonelessly as the youma sucked out their energy. "Pitiful humans! Your energy is mine!"

It leapt toward the largest group, intent on sucking their energy dry. Sadly, at least for the youma, it had targeted the worst possible group.

As Ranma moved to intercept, Ryoga grabbed the youma by its throat, gripping it tightly as it thrashed around frantically. "I thought these things only targeted people around the Juuban area?" The youma brought a razor sharp pencil arm to bear, intent on killing the insolent human for daring to manhandle it in such a way. Ryoga tossed it negligently to the floor and stomped on its chest, wincing as he heard a sharp cracking noise.

The youma gave a wheeze of agony as its chest was crushed, scrabbling weakly as it tried to get out from under the lost boy's foot.

Ranma pushed the lost boy out of the way and picked up the weakly struggling youma. "I don't ever want to see your kind around Nerima. Any youma I see around this place is going to be killed without mercy."

"Ranchan, kill that thing now!" Ukyo shouted, making Ranma blink in surprise.

"But Ucchan, I need this thing to warn the others!" Ranma said, dropping the youma to the floor.

"I don't care!" Ukyo seethed. "That thing broke my wall and it's gonna pay! Do you know how much it's going to cost to get that fixed?!"

As the two bickered, the youma was slowly healing its injuries while it lay on the ground.

'Not good! I thought this was going to be a routine run, maybe some Senshi interference. I think I ran into some meta-humans. Well, I'm almost at full capacity again. What can I do to get out of here?' It watched Ukyo and Ranma argue, and a sinister grin slid across its face. 'The human with the ridiculously large cooking tool might be my way out. I just have to move fast…'

"Look, if you're not going to kill it, I'll do it myself!" Ukyo hefted her huge spatula and moved toward the seemingly helpless youma. With a swift movement, the youma rolled out of the way of Ukyo's vicious downward strike. Planting a hand on the floor, the youma sprang to its feet and threw an arm around a startled Ukyo's throat. Holding a razor sharp forearm close to its captive's throat, the youma backed slowly toward the hole it had entered by.

"Don't just stand there you jackasses! Do something!" Ukyo struggled in her captor's grasp, but the otherworldly strength of the youma prevailed, and she slumped back as it became apparent that she wouldn't get free on her own.

"Don't move humans, or I'll kill this girl!" The youma cackled triumphantly as it neared the hole. Just a few more steps and it was home free.

"Ucchan!" Ranma ground his teeth in frustration as the youma backed farther toward the exit, taking an angry looking Ukyo with it. He tensed himself, preparing to make a dive anyway, when a red blur passed in back of the youma. It gazed stupidly at its arms as they fell heavily to the floor with a loud thump, cracking the wooden boards.

"W..what?!"

The youma shrieked as searing pain spread quickly from its arms to the rest of its body.

Ukyo took the opportunity to scramble out of the way, well out of the line of fire.

Konatsu solidified in front of the youma, glaring at it with undisguised venom. "Those who cause property damage must pay the price. But for those who would harm Mistress Ukyo, there can be no mercy." He pulled a very sharp looking katana out of its sheath on his back. "Die slowly, and in great pain, monster."

Sakura and Akane averted their eyes and covered their ears as the youmas death screams echoed around the restaurant. Ranma paled slightly. "Yo, Ryoga. Remind me never to get on Konatsu's bad side." Ryoga tried to look brave, but his face was acquiring a greenish tinge. "You don't need to tell me twice…"

Finally, the youma had exceeded its capacity for damage absorption and disintegrated into fine powder on the floor. Giving the dust one last kick, Konatsu rushed over to Ukyo, who was kneeling on the floor, beating Ranma by a few steps. "Mistress Ukyo! Are you okay?!" "Hey Ucchan, you alright?"

Ukyo nodded. "I'm fine 'Natsu, Ranchan. Thanks for helping me."

Konatsu blushed and looked at the floor as he fidgeted. "It's just my duty mistress Ukyo. Your safety is my only concern."

Ukyo nodded as she stood up, rubbing her neck unconsciously. "I know, 'Natsu. Tell you what; I'll give you a fifty-yen raise. How does that sound?"

Konatsu's eyes widened and happy tears started to leak out. "Oh, thank you mistress Ukyo! You're so kind and generous!"

There was a coughing sound from Ryoga that sounded suspiciously like "Bull!"

Ukyo grinned. "Don't you know it. How about you patch up that wall? Customers aren't going to want to sit in a drafty restaurant."

"At once, Mistress Ukyo!" The pretty ninja ran out the door to get some lumber and nails to fix the wall.

Ukyo looked around her now deserted restaurant. "Well, it looks like everyone took off. Now that you guys are the only ones, here, I can finally make you those okonamiyaki. Just take a seat anywhere." Every head whipped around as there was a crash from the hole in the left wall.

"What the heck is going on now!" Ukyo growled, grabbing a fistful of throwing spatulas.

Ranma slapped his forehead as he saw the crazy schoolgirls from earlier in the day standing in the hole.

"Restaurants are for the enjoyment of their patrons, not for evil monsters to take peoples energy! In the name of the moon, I will…uh…actually it looks like you guys took care of it already." Usagi sweatdropped as she spied the pile of youma dust on the floor.

The Senshi of the Moon sweated as she tried vainly to think of a cool line to exit with. Hands up everyone who knows this ain't gonna work.

'Okay, gotta say something cool, something cool…' There was an audible grinding noise as the gears turned in Usagi's head, dulled and rusted from years of disuse. There was a spark of insight, but unfortunately for Usagi, it was the result of crossed wires.

"Uh…Hi ho Senshi, away!" The Senshi and the Neriman group performed a perfectly synchronized facefault. Rei was the first to recover from her shock. "You stupid meatball head! What do you think we are, some kind of horses or something?"

The Neriman crew sweatdropped even more heavily as Sailor Moon burst out crying, waterfalls of tears spraying from her eyes that would put Soun Tendo to shame. "Waaaah! Mars is mean!"

Even Pluto appeared visibly flustered. "Yes…well…we'll be making our exit now…" Jupiter tucked a still crying Moon under one arm and the Senshi leapt onto the top of a nearby building and were soon out of sight.

Ranma shook his head as he sat down heavily in a chair. "Ya' know, it's kinda hard to respect those chicks. Every time we meet they end up doing something stupid. They oughta get out of the monster hunting business before they get themselves killed or something."

Akane seethed at Ranma's offhanded dismissal of her heroines. "Hey! The Senshi are plenty good! They even saved the world a few times! When was the last time you did that, Mr. High and Mighty martial artist?"

Ranma shook his head. "If they did, it was probably by sheer luck. I mean, their leader is a blond, ditzy airhead who probably couldn't put two and two together four times out of ten."

Akane sweatdropped at the frank appraisal of Sailor Moon's abilities. "Well…maybe their leader isn't very cool…but the rest of them are! I mean look at Sailor Venus! She's such a romantic figure. Fighting for love and justice…she probably has a really cool boyfriend who always gets her all kinds of nice things and compliments her often." Far away, Sailor Venus sweatdropped and didn't know why.

Akane sighed wistfully. "It would be nice to have someone like that."

Ranma snorted. "You'd have to get someone to look past those thunder thighs. Not to mention, you could use some help in the chest department." He paused for a minute, looking thoughtful. "I wonder if your sisters got all the chest in their genes and didn't leave any for you. It doesn't really make sense that your sisters have chest to spare and you don't. I mean, you're from the same family. Hmmmmm."

Akane was growing redder and redder as Ranma rambled on.

Ranma's thought process was abruptly terminated by the introduction of his head to the foundation of Ucchan's. "Jerk!" Akane stomped out the door.

Shikamaru shook his head sadly. "Now that, he had coming."

* * *

Pluto rubbed her head in exasperation as the Senshi meeting once again dissolved into chaos.

"Dang it! With our leader making stupid speeches, we didn't get a chance to talk to those cute boys!"

"Don't despair, Makoto! We'll get some studly boyfriends yet!"

"I hope I didn't look foolish in front of Naruto…"

"Naruto? Who's Naruto?!"

"Haruka, please…"

"Hey, meatball head! Put down my manga!"

"B..but, I just wanted to read them! You're so mean Rei!"

"Hey, Pluto! Next time we go rushing off like that, tell us if there's gonna be any interference."

Pluto felt a vein pop out of her forehead, and she ground her teeth. She looked over to where Ami was compiling data on her Mercury computer. At least there was one sensible girl among the eight. Two, if you counted Michiru.

"Listen up!" Setsuna's shout rang through the small room and several of the Senshi covered their ears protectively.

"The reason we're here is to discuss the matter of what to do with these people who keep showing up when we're fighting youma. I've done an extensive scan using the time gates and determined that they are almost no threat to Crystal Tokyo. They only caused some sort of impact in point oh nine percent of the timelines that I looked through, and even then, the change is minor and benevolent."

"What I propose, is that we send someone to monitor them and interact with them to learn about their nature and possibly enlist them in the battle for Crystal Tokyo. The person we send will need to be nondescript, intelligent, and able to communicate with us easily."

Sensing the oppressive stillness, Ami looked up from her computer and found that every eye was fixed on her.

"Oh dear…"

* * *

Night had fallen on Nerima and its denizens prepared to sleep with an uneasy sense of peace. Long time residents knew that the seeming stillness could turn into phenomenal feats of wanton property destruction at any time. Most of the older generation had invested in high-grade earplugs in a vain attempt to get an unbroken nights sleep.

At the Tendo Dojo, certain residents couldn't really count on a full nights sleep. At least, not without some sort of help. Nabiki had invested in the finest soundproofing money could buy with the profits she had garnered from her little bet taking system. So far, the additional noise blockage had been worth its weight in gold.

Kasumi, while not having the money to invest in soundproofing, had an internal clock of such precision that she could sleep through all but the most raucous of noises and yet wake bright and early to greet a new day. No one, least of all herself knew quite how, or even why it worked, but like most things in Nerima, they accepted them and moved on.

Genma simply slept the sleep of the dead. There was little that could wake him up, short of a direct threat to his person. Soun was much the same, his body having learned to be always alert and watchful, even in a deep sleep. Surprise attacks by their dreaded master had forced their bodies to remain on high alert at all times, lest they receive a Happo-darikan wake up call.

Somehow, each of these residents felt that their respective methods of peaceful sleep would be tested in the days to come.

"So, when Monday comes, I figured you guys could tag along to school with us. I mean, it's not like you have anything better to do, right?" Ranma looked over the assembled faces, noting looks of trepidation and annoyance.

"No thanks! I already finished the academy and I'm not going back again." Sakura brushed her hair back where it was starting to encroach on her view.

Ranma nodded. "Okay. But I was really hoping that you could lead Ryoga around. I guess we'll have to get someone else to do it…"

"No, I'll do it! You can count on me!"

Ranma chuckled. "I thought so." He looked at Shikamaru and Naruto. "How about you guys?"

Shikamaru sighed. "It's too troublesome to go to school. But it's also too troublesome to do nothing all day. I guess I'll come."

Naruto made a face. "Ugh…school. I guess I can go... It'll be boring without you guys around." He snapped his fingers. "Hey, where's that old guy? The one who was supposed to be teaching me how to get back to our dimension?"

Ranma shrugged dismissively. "Eh, the old goat disappears when you're not looking, and then he comes back when you don't want him. I honestly don't know where he is. He could show up tomorrow or a week from now."

"Oh, that's just great!" Sakura shouted. "I thought we'd be getting back soon! How much longer will this take?"

Ranma shrugged again. "I just told you, I have no idea. We'll just have to wait and see. Just think of this as an extended vacation."

"Che…extended vacation my well toned…" Sakura caught herself before her language moved out of the 'fit for use in polite company' territory.

She sighed despondently. "I hope we can get back sooner rather than later. I just know Tsunade-sensei is worried sick about me."

* * *

Genma and Kakashi sighed they watched their all guys night go up in smoke. A thoroughly inebriated Tsunade had hijacked their poker game, taking poor Iruka's chair. Said man was currently sitting on the floor.

"Sho, you guys…who wants to play strip poker? Maybe up the shtakes a little." Tsunade shuffled the cards expertly, absently switching them from hand to hand.

The three men blinked.

"Well, I'm in."

"Sounds good to me."

"Oh yeah!"

Tsunade dealt rapidly, throwing the men their cards with expert precision. Kakashi scratched his cheek as he looked through his cards. "By the way Tsunade, did I hear that Sakura was missing?"

Tsunade blinked. "Um…I don't think sho. At least, I'm pretty sure she's not. Maybe…"

Kakashi nodded. "Ah. It must have just been a rumor then."

Tsunade shrugged. "Less talk, more stripping."

* * *

**A.N.** Dang, Konatsu looks really cool. I've always thought there was a whole lot more to the feminine shinobi than was shown in the manga. After all, he's nearly Ranma's equal in the martial arts, and his better in some other areas. If it came to an all out battle, I believe Ranma would win, but there's no way he'd be breathing easy afterwards.

I also found out that it's really, really boring for me to write about Ukyo. Not that I hate her character, but her foilables aren't really very fun, and she's not strong enough to be really hardcore. She's just a normal, cross-dressing girl. (Heh, normal cross-dressing.) I really had fun writing Konatsu though.

Oh yeah, just in case people haven't already noticed, there's really no overarching plot to this. If you're looking for some detailed and well though out plot development, you came to the wrong story. Turn back! Turn back now, before it's too late! Doom! Doom awaits you all!


	13. The Schoolwork Blues

Another Fine Mess 12 Another Fine Mess 13

A.N. …Wow, I think I created a new definition of procrastination. I'm very, very sorry for being so lazy, but I was feeling really uninspired. That, and I was playing way too much Unreal Tournament 2004 in my free time. Best…FPS…ever… I suppose you could also consider my three final papers that happened to be due at the same time an impediment to my writing as well. Although Shaithan cheered me up a little with his novel-like review. It's nice to get so much feedback. Actually, I think I might be some kind of review junkie. Whatever the reason, I usually get more inspired when I get more feedback. Not that I'm begging for reviews or anything…that's just tacky.

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"So this is Furinkan High, huh?" Shikamaru took a look around the courtyard. Aside from a small group of girls that seemed to be taking bets of some sort in a corner, it looked like a perfectly normal academy. "I guess it's a good thing that your high school is so normal. I thought you'd have all that troublesome chaos here too."

Ranma grinned. "You have no idea."

Naruto squinted his eyes at a rapidly approaching dust cloud. "There's something coming this way. It's pretty fast."

Akane sighed. "That's the idiot express, right on time." She tugged Ranma's shirtsleeve. "Let's get inside before he gets here. I really don't feel like dealing with Kuno today."

But it was already too late. "Akane Tendo! How the morning sun doth shine brighter in your glorious presence! Surely it is a most blessed day to have the privilege to see your beautiful face!"

Akane's face tightened in exasperation. "Kuno-sempai, I need to go to class."

"Nay, but what is paltry schooling when compared to the purest love that we share? Surely the petty concerns of schoolwork cannot stand between the magnificence of two hearts joined in love!" Kuno pulled out a bouquet of roses and offered them to Akane with a flourish.

"Please accept this token of my esteem. It is but a small part of your radiant beauty, but I hope that it will suffice."

Naruto snickered.

"Do you find something funny, knave?"

Naruto grinned widely. "Yeah! Get a clue man! She obviously doesn't want you."

Kuno drew his bokken, waving it menacingly at Naruto. "Cur! You dare to speak ill of the affection between the fierce tigress Akane Tendo and myself?"

Naruto was still grinning. "What, you wanna fight? With that practice sword? What are you gonna do, bruise me to death?"

Kuno narrowed his eyes. "Nay, but death surely awaits thee. Have at thee, scoundrel!" Naruto's smile vanished quickly as he narrowly avoided a strike to the head.

"Yow!" He jumped back. Sword boy was a lot faster than he looked! Well, fast though he was, he was pathetically easy to read. "Is that all you've got? I've seen faster genin!"

Kuno growled at his inability to hit the agile blond. "Very well, impudent fool, taste of my ultimate technique! StrikeStrikestrikestrikestrikestrike!"

"Urgh!!" Naruto flew backwards as the force of Kuno's attack threw him across the schoolyard, skidding to a halt under a large tree.

"Ha! The brutish cur is dispelled by mine supreme technique! Hopefully he will have learned his lesson." Kuno started to turn away, but stopped as Naruto stood up.

Naruto wiped the blood from where it was dripping down his forehead, the deep cut sizzling red as the demon fox's chakra went to work healing it. "You wanna get serious? Bring it on, 'ttebayo!"

The blonde flashed through a series of hand seals. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" As the smoke cleared, the watching crowd could see that there were now five Narutos, all standing ready.

Kuno scoffed as he raised his bokken. "Whether there be one or many, I will not fail to strike you down." Naruto smirked. "Strike this!" His clones blasted forward at tremendous speeds, catching Kuno by surprise.

'So fast!' Kuno swung downward with his bokken, but the foremost Naruto simply dodged it. "Take this!" He slid under the taller boy and kicked him upward. "U..ZU..MA..KI..NARUTO RENDAN!" With a wild cry, Naruto sent Kuno blasting earthward, the kendoist crashing into the ground with thunderous force.

Kuno looked up weakly from the bottom of his impact crater. "I…fight on…ugh…" His head dropped to the ground as he lost consciousness.

Ranma gave an approving clap from the side. "Not bad. Although I usually take him down faster."

Naruto shrugged. "I could've too. But I wanted to have a little fun with him."

Ranma smirked. "So, you like getting smashed into trees?"

Naruto bristled at the attack on his competency. "Hey, I got back up, didn't I?"

Ranma shrugged. "I could do that too."

Shikamaru cleared his throat. "Uh, not to interrupt your posturing, but has anyone seen Ryoga and Sakura? I can't see them anywhere."

Akane looked surprised. "I don't know what could have happened to them. They were right behind us!"

* * *

"Argh!" Sakura smashed another of the mutant monkeys that had been attacking them for the past fifteen minutes. "Where are these things coming from?"

Ryoga ducked another as it tried to claw his face off. "I don't know. But I think it's safe to say that we're not on the path to Furinkan high anymore."

"Ow! That hurt you little…!" Sakura pried another of the voracious critters off her leg as it sunk its teeth into her calf. She hurled it into a dense pack that was running at her from behind, bowling the small creatures over with extreme prejudice. "How did we get lost so fast anyway? I'm pretty sure this defies a few laws of time and space!"

Ryoga shrugged as his umbrella swept another of the annoying little things into the murky swamp water. "I don't know, it just happens sometimes. You just learn to deal with it eventually."

"Whatever. Look, we just need to find our way back to Furinkan. If you can make trips like that, I'm sure you can get us back there quickly, right Ryoga-kun?" Sakura batted her eyes at Ryoga, which would cost her a fresh set of scratches on her leg.

"Ouch! That's it you vicious little beasts! You're all gonna die!"

The mutant monkeys cowered in fear as the pink haired demon began her slaughter.

(Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this scene. Except for ugly three armed mutant monkeys, who no one cares about anyway.)

* * *

Ami sighed as she walked through Furinkan High's front gates. "Really now, was it fair to send me to spy on them…?" She grudgingly admitted that she was probably the best choice out of all the Senshi, with Makoto running a distant second. 'Setsuna said herself that they aren't much of a threat. So why would she send someone to watch them? Unless she wasn't telling us the truth about their threat level.'

She decided that it wasn't all that important. Right now, she needed to find her classes and get settled into her new school. It had been a rather easy transfer, with Setsuna using her position as guidance councilor to facilitate the exchange from both ends.

Of course, it didn't help that she had arrived there in the middle of the day. She was hoping to be inconspicuous, but there was little chance of that now. All the students were on lunch break.

"Are you okay?" Ami gave a little shriek as a face appeared in her vision, stumbling backwards while holding her bag protectively in front of her.

Shikamaru blinked in surprise. "Sorry, you just looked lost. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm not sure why I'm bothering anyway. It's such a pain."

Ami placed a hand on her heart as it started slowing back down to a normal pace. "That's the second time you've…" she trailed of abruptly as she realized that Shikamaru didn't know her in her civilian guise.

Shikamaru cocked his head. "Second time? I've never met you before."

Ami laughed nervously. "Well, um, you look like my brother. He's a pretty big prankster, always sneaking up on people."

Ami leaned back as Shikamaru peered closely at her face. "You look somewhat familiar…almost as if I've seen you somewhere." He closed his eyes briefly. "Blue hair is a fairly rare feature, especially the shade that you have. And I know I've seen that somewhere in the last few days…"

Ami sweated profusely as Shikamaru stood silently, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. He squatted and folded his hands in an odd position.

"W..well, I have to go to class. Maybe I'll see you there." Ami hoped she could get away before Shikamaru made the connection. The boy was smart, very smart. It was a quality she could have fully appreciated under different circumstances, however, the threat of her secret being revealed was totally killing the atmosphere.

She'd been thinking about him since she had talked with him on the rooftop during their Senshi battle several days ago. 'The first boy I could seriously consider having a relationship with, and he's trying to work out that I'm a Senshi! And almost succeeding!' Life just wasn't fair sometimes. She would probably die an old cat woman, even with her extended Senshi lifespan. 'No moon cats though.' She preferred her cats unable to talk.

As Shikamaru rose from his squat, she realized she had wasted her opportunity to escape. 'Curse you, internal soliloquy!'

"I remember now. I met you on that rooftop. You had on that really short skirt."

Ami decided to go for the "reasonable doubt" approach. "I don't know what you're talking about." She internally fumed. 'His calculating logic is really, really hot, but why did he have to apply it to me?!'

Shikamaru shook his head. "No, I'm sure about this. Have you ever considered getting some different outfits? You look like you're trying to attract lolicons."

Ami hung her head in defeat. It was hopeless. "The magic nature of the transformation is set to give us that outfit. We really don't have much hope of changing it. And what was that about short skirts?"

Shikamaru gave an exasperated sigh. "Don't misunderstand me. Che, women are too troublesome."

Ami sighed morosely. Now that her cover was blown, she'd have to make the best out of the situation. "Well…now that you discovered my secret identity, I need to ask you something. You see, I'm part of a group called the Sailor Senshi. We fight to protect the world from youma and evil. We were wondering if you or your friends would like to help us in our battle. You could be freelancers, on call whenever there's an emergency."

Shikamaru quickly shook his head. "I'll pass. Sounds like too much effort." 'And the fact that I don't plan on staying here too much longer.'

There was an awkward silence as Ami stood speechless. "Ok…would any of your other friends want to help us?"

Shikamaru shrugged. "I have no idea. You'll have to ask them yourself."

BRRRINNNNGGGGG!!

Ami gasped. "Oh, I've got to get to class! I'll talk with you later." She hurried quickly past him into the school building.

Shikamaru stood there for a little while longer, before turning around and slowly heading back toward the school building. Hopefully this afternoon's teachers weren't as troublesome as the morning's.

* * *

As it turned out, the afternoon teachers were even more troublesome than Shikamaru had thought.

"Nara! Sit up and pay attention!" The teacher threw an eraser at the slouching boy, pegging him in the forehead.

Shikamaru sighed. "Look, it's not like I don't know this stuff. Besides, I'm not even part of your class."

The teacher snorted. "So you already know everything? Then would you mind doing this problem on the board?" Picking a problem out of his advanced calculus textbooks, he scribbled furiously. Within a few seconds, a long, sprawling equation decorated the blackboard.

When, Shikamaru didn't budge from his position, the teacher grabbed his wrist and pulled him up to the board. "Well? Solve it!"

Shikamaru rubbed his forehead. "Such a pain. I **am** solving it." He stared at the equation for several more seconds before turning to the teacher. "The answer is four x plus two y cubed over three f."

The teacher checked his book. "Uh, that's correct, Nara-san." He sighed wearily. "Take your seat."

As Shikamaru walked back to his desk, the whispers followed him.

"Wow! He's really smart!"

"Kinda surprising, for such a dumb looking guy."

"I need to see if he can help me with my homework!"

"Hey! I call first dibs, Sayoko!"

"Over my dead body, Yuri!"

"I can arrange that!"

Shikamaru's left eyebrow twitched madly as he sat down. He studiously pretended to ignore the too loud whispers. 'What did I ever do to deserve this? I was right before. Girls are far too troublesome.'

* * *

Hinata blushed profusely as she laid out her new outfits on her bed. Per Anko-sensei's instructions, she had purchased a variety of…man-hunting clothes. Of course, she was just this side of terminally embarrassed while she was shopping. The cashier had given her a knowing wink and wished her good luck with that "thick headed cutie".

'This had better be worth it. I don't think I could take the embarrassment of shopping for new clothes again. Now, I just have to make sure my family doesn't find out.' She moved to a wall safe, which she had lined with lead. In it, she kept her most treasured possessions, a pair of Naruto's boxers, stolen while he was away at practice, a lock of Naruto's hair, and a picture of her dead mother.

'This should keep them from finding out. Now I just need to…' she spun around in panic as her door hit the opposite wall.

"Hey, Hinata, father wants to see you…" Hanabi trailed off as she saw the assortment of belly baring shirts and clingy jeans that Hinata had purchased.

"Going man-hunting, big sister? I didn't think you had it in you." She lifted a slinky black dress off the bed and examined it critically. "Are you sure you're going to be able to move around in this? Your chest is going to pop out if you have to jump for any reason."

"W..well, I just…um…"

Hanabi waved her off. "You know what? I really don't know or care what you're doing. But this opportunity can't be wasted." She leaned out into the hall. "Hey, Neji! Get your butt down here, now!"

Hinata squeaked, still frozen in shock.

Neji appeared in the door of Hinata's room, his usual bored/hostile expression on his face. "What is it that you want, Hanabi-san? Hiashi-sama wants to see us all and the longer we take…"

"Shut up." Hanabi held up a pair of jeans and a v-necked, belly baring top for Neji's inspection. "What do you think of this? Hinata's gonna try and seduce that doofus she's always stalking with this thing."

Neji looked at the outfit, then looked at Hinata. Then he looked at the outfit again, before looking one final time back to Hinata. Twin trickles of blood dripped from his nose, staining the front of his white sash, although his face remained stoic.

Hanabi grabbed the black dress from the bed. "And if that doesn't work, she's gonna try this thing. I think it'll work pretty well, don't you?"

Neji turned and walked out of the room, holding his nose. A few seconds later, the girls heard a sound like a gushing water hose.

Hanabi smirked evilly. "Heh, they're going to have to repaint that wall red, I think."

Hinata shook herself out of her daze. "Um, is Neji-niisan…?"

Hanabi chuckled. "Feh, the idiot has a little crush on you. I think it's totally gross, but whatever gets you out of my hair."

Hinata paled. "Eeew…Neji…ugh…."

Hanabi turned serious. "Yeah, whatever. Father wants to see us, so I suggest you hide those things and get moving.

Hinata stuffed the clothes in the wall safe and hurried down the hall. 'Note to self. Get clothing lined with lead.' She shuddered. Neji liking her was just way too creepy.

* * *

**A.N. **You'd think that spending so much time on this chapter would make it so incredible that money would rain down from the sky and people would weep at the sheer beauty. Yeah…not happening.

I know the Senshi have some kind of magic protection that makes people not make the connection between the girls and the Sailors. Let's just say it was malfunctioning, or something.

Well, it's finally done. Now I can get started working on the next one. And believe you me; this is the first time I'm actually looking forward to writing a chapter. Excellent…I can't say what I'm looking forward to, only that it involves Hinata. Hehheheheheheheeheheheh…Below is an omake that I had originally wanted to put in the actual story, but realized it would be highly unlikely that the two would ever meet. Anyway, enjoy!

**!OMAKEOMAKE!**

**A Slight Misunderstanding** or **Ranma ticks off Deidara**

Deidara seethed as Ranma stood there with an insufferable smirk on his face. "You stupid CENSORED!! I'm gonna rip off your head and shove it up your a--, yeah!"

Ranma chuckled infuriatingly. "So, are you normally this unbalanced or is it that time of the month?"

"I'm a guy you freaking idiot!"

Ranma blinked. "Seriously?"

"Damn straight, yeah!"

Ranma took a closer look. "…Are you sure? 'Cause you really look like a girl. I'm just sayin'…"

"Yeah…well, don't be so quick to talk, girly man!"

"Hey! At least when I'm male I actually look like a guy!"

"Wussy!"

"Crossdresser!"

"Shut up!"

"No, you shut up!"

"Shut up times infinity!"

"Ha! Infinity plus one!"

Shikamaru rubbed his forehead. "This has gone way beyond childish. What do you say we declare them both far too effeminate for their own good and leave it at that?"

The yes vote was unanimous. Although no one ever figured out who wrote in Sai on the ballot.


	14. Match Made In ?

Another Fine Mess 14

A.N. To _cybermage: _Yes, I think Shika/Ami and Naru/Hotaru are some great matchups too. In fact, I had Shika/Ami down from the very beginning. Ami's mistake did cost her dearly. It was only a little slip up, but with Shikamaru, that's all it takes. Also, I'm assuming you didn't really want an answer to the question, but in the future, if you actually want a direct answer, please leave me something to contact you by. I do thank you for the review though. Never think I'm ungrateful.

Ah, incidentally…CURSE YOU WRITERS BLOCK!

* * *

"Ahhh…" Naruto stretched as he exited the school building. "Man, those classes are really boring! At least the ones we had to take at the academy had some ninja stuff mixed in…"

Ranma groaned sympathetically. "That would make schooling a little more tolerable."

Akane walked up behind the two boys, clutching her schoolbag. "It might. But where would they find teachers?"

Ranma had a sudden mental vision with Soun Tendo weeping in a corner, Genma trying to steal his student's bentos, and Cologne and a pack of girls beating Happosai into a bloody pulp while Hinako drained a class of students that Tofu was teaching, under the charge of being "delinquents".

He shuddered. "Actually, I don't think that would work. At least not with the teachers we have now." Ranma threw his school bag up in the air, watching it twirl as it seemed to hover for the briefest of seconds, before beginning it's descent back down. "Soooo…what'dya wanna do? We got some free time and it's too nice to do homework."

"Ooooh! Let's get some ramen! It's been a while since I had any." Naruto drooled at the thought of the most perfect food in the world.

Ranma grinned. "I know this great place over in the Juuban area. And if one of those youma things shows up, we can get in some practice too." He tossed Akane his schoolbag. "Oi, Akane! Me and Naruto are gonna go get some ramen. Take Shikamaru home, will ya?"

"Ranma, I…" Akane stomped her foot in frustration as the two boys jumped off a house about a block away. "That baka! He's always going off like that, no consideration at all!" She shook her head. "Come on Shikamaru, let's go back to the house. Maybe Ryoga and Sakura have found their way back by now."

* * *

Two shadowy figures bounded across the rooftops of Juuban, causing startled homeowners to curse all martial artists in general. This stuff was only supposed to happen in Nerima! They already had enough trouble with collateral damage from the Senshi trying to hit the youma of the week. Venus may have used the power of love and beauty, but there was nothing beautiful about your home being unwillingly (and rather poorly) redecorated by a stray Crescent Beam.

Naruto bounced alongside Ranma, taking in the sights of Juuban. It was mostly normal. Or at least seemed to be. "Hey, Ranma."

Ranma didn't turn his head or stop jumping, merely giving a grunt of acknowledgement.

"How come we didn't go to the Nekohaten? They had really good ramen there!" Naruto drooled a bit as he thought about the succulent broth, the perfectly cooked noodles, the…the fact that he had just run out of roof.

"Ahhhhhhh!"

His years of training took over and he positioned himself to land safely. Or at least what would have been safely, were it not for the fact that a purple haired girl was directly in his landing zone.

"Look out!" Naruto yelled, twisting his body to the side and away from the girl. This was going to hurt.

There was a bone-cracking thud as Naruto hit the street hard, creating a vaguely human shaped impression in the pavement, and knocking the purple haired girl over.

"Ow…datte…bayo…" Naruto pried his battered carcass from his impact crater, his aching joints and ligaments protesting the sudden movement. The things he did in the name of chivalry… He saw the purple haired girl being helped up by Ranma, wobbling a little as she climbed back to her feet.

"Are you hurt? I didn't hit you, right?"

Hotaru shook her head. "I..i'm okay. Just a little bruised. Are you okay?"

Naruto grinned. "Yeah, I'm fine. It doesn't hurt at…owowowow!" He clutched his side as it throbbed in pain.

"Oh, you are hurt!" Hotaru bit her bottom lip nervously.

'If I heal him, it's a really big clue to my secret identity. I've already healed him in my Senshi form…But he really is hurt…' She decided she'd take the risk. "Hold still, please."

Hotaru pressed a glowing hand to Naruto's side, the bruising fading until it was no longer visible.

Naruto felt his unbruised side, a look of wonder on his face. "Hey, that's really cool!"

His brow furrowed in concentration. "I know some other girl that can do that. She even kinda looks like you. Are you two sisters?" He saw the other girl's face in his mind, but the edges kept blurring, and he couldn't really put the two together. Maybe they were cousins or something. Like Neji and Hinata.

Hotaru almost fainted in relief. "Yes, we're…um…related."

Naruto clutched his head as a booming voice echoed off the insides of his skull. '**STOP BEING A TOTAL IDIOT, KIT! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT SHE'S THE SAME GIRL? SHE'S JUST UNDER SOME KIND OF MAGICAL PROTECTION. NOW GET BUSY SEDUCING HER!'**

'They're the same person? Wait a minute…' Naruto gritted his teeth. 'She's gotta be only twelve or something! I can't do that!'

He could almost feel the fox's displeasure. '**SHE'S MUCH OLDER THAN SHE LOOKS!** **WHAT DOES IT MATTER HOW OLD SHE IS! SHE'S ABLE TO BEAR WHELPS, AND HER HORMONES WILL DO MOST OF THE WORK FOR YOU! YOU'D NEVER HEAR ANY OF THIS KIND OF FOOLISHNESS AMONG THE DEMON FOXES!**'

'Look, if I do that, I'll get arrested or something! Humans are really different from foxes. We have all sorts of rules about these things!' Naruto hoped he was getting through to the fox. It could be disturbingly single-minded at times.

'**WELL YOU SHOULD DO ****SOMETHING****! AT LEAST ASK HER ON A 'DATE'. AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THE PURPOSE OF A HUMAN DATE IS TO MAKE YOUR PARTNER MORE AMENABLE TO MATING. USE THE DATE TO IMPRESS HER.**'

'How about something that doesn't make me look like a total perv? That would really be helpful.'

'**KIT, STOP WHINING AND DO IT ALREADY! I HAVE OTHER…METHODS…OF PERSUASION**. **I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO USE THEM ON YOU**."

'Okay, okay, just shut up already!' Naruto started as he realized that Ranma was waving a hand in front of his face.

"You okay there, Naruto? You spaced out on us." The pigtailed boy had a steadying hand on the frail girls shoulder, supporting her.

Naruto shook his head, as if to clear it. "I'm fine!" He turned to Hotaru. "So, are you some kind of demon hunter? And why do you wear those uniforms? Wouldn't you get cold, or something?"

Hotaru paled. "I don't…how did you…?"

Naruto grinned. "That's cause I'm really smart!"

'**AS IF, KIT.**'

'Shut up you stupid fox!'

'**HURRY UP AND ASK HER OUT!**'

'Okay, okay!' Naruto looked at the frail purple haired girl. "So, uh, do you wanna…" He trailed off, feeling extremely awkward. Hotaru looked at him quizzically.

'**DO IT!**'

"Uh, do you want to go out with me tonight? My treat."

Hotaru blinked a few times. 'Just like that? It's that easy?' She pinched herself a few times. 'Not a dream.'

She nodded shyly. "Um…yes."

Naruto started. He hadn't expected to get a yes. "So uh, how about six?"

Hotaru blushed and nodded again. "Um…here's my address, so you can find my house." She pulled a pencil and paper out of her pack, and wrote down the address.

'I hope Momma and Papa don't mind me having a boyfriend.'

* * *

Micharu sighed as the last few mournful notes of the song that she had been playing tapered off into silence. She frowned as she noticed that Haruka was twitching.

"My playing wasn't that bad, was it?"

Haruka waved her off. "Nah, it sounded great. I just have this feeling that I need to World Shaking someone into fine powder."

* * *

Ranma glanced over at Naruto as he devoured his third ramen bowl in as many minutes. "I hope you have enough money to pay for your own, because I'm not covering more than the first bowl."

Naruto looked up from his bowl of ramen and nodded. "Gama-chan is pretty full, so I should be able to cover it. How come we didn't go to the Nekohaten again?"

Ranma shifted uneasily. "'Cause I didn't want Shampoo jumping all over me. She's more clingy than an octopus." He took a large bite of ramen. "So, uh, why did you ask that girl out? I mean, she was just a random stranger. Not to mention, she didn't look like she was out of the middle school yet."

Naruto waved his hands frantically, dropping his chopsticks. "No, you know her! She was one of those magical girls that we met yesterday!"

Ranma blinked. "Seriously? How did you know that?"

Naruto shrugged. "It's the stupid fox. It likes to put stuff in my head."

"Fox?"

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, there's this demon fox that's sealed inside me, and sometimes it likes to pester me. It was the one that told me about that girl's identity. And it wouldn't shut up about me asking her out. Something about chaos."

Ranma gave him a skeptical look. "Sure...So, the voice in your head tells you what to do?"

Naruto looked insulted. "Hey! That stupid fox doesn't tell me what to do! Nobody tells me what to do! Well, except maybe Sakura-chan…and Tsunade-obasan, and Kakashi-sensei…but nobody else!"

Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Right…well, we'd better get you home so you can get ready for your date. I never bother with girls anyway. They're just nothing but trouble."

* * *

Hinata sighed as she sat down on a park bench. Anko-sensei had told her to get used to wearing revealing clothing in public. But she was afraid her blush would become a permanent addition to her face.

Initially, she'd been dubious about her supposed charms. She remembered asking Anko-sensei about them. She was sure that she was just a plain old nobody.

Anko-sensei had snorted. "Who do you think you're kidding? You're a very pretty girl! Those Hyuuga eyes make you seem exotic, and that blush you're always sporting makes you look even cuter. Plus, you have enormous breasts. I'm a little jealous." She gave one a poke for emphasis. "Where'd you get those things anyway? Your mother's weren't near as large!"

Her father had almost had a heart attack when he caught her walking out of the house in short shorts and a v-neck t-shirt that rode up far too much to be considered decent. She had escaped while he was still sputtering in indignation.

If she wasn't so terminally embarrassed by her public indecency, Hinata might have been proud to get her father to lose his cool. As things stood, she just hoped that it was worth the sacrifice. Surely Naruto-kun would notice her now, right?

"Naruto-kun…" Her breathing quickened as she fell into a fantasy about Naruto's eventual return.

"_You know, I missed you so much…" Hinata shuddered as Naruto wrapped her in his arms. She felt safe, loved, and quite a bit turned on. She just hoped she didn't faint._

Naruto gazed deep into her milky, pale eyes, as if trying to see into her soul. "Has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful? And I know you have a beautiful heart to go with your beautiful face. That's why I love you so much."

_Hinata noticed that Naruto's voice was a deep and rich baritone, a voice that sent shivers down her spine. It tickled something at the back of her mind, but such a close proximity to Naruto made her brains turn to a fine mush. She squeaked as Naruto leaned down to capture her lips with his, gentle, yet insistent. _

_She felt her face heating up, but she leaned into the kiss, moaning as his roughened lips brushed against hers. His tongue probed her mouth, and her tongue came to meet it, the two intertwining and mingling. Oddly, Naruto tasted like barbeque flavored potato chips._

As Naruto broke the kiss, Hinata leaned back, her eyes shimmering with happiness. That's when she noticed that the face she saw was no longer Naruto's.

Chouji's face stared back at her, dazed and a little confused. "C..C..Chouji? W..what?"

Chouji blushed a little as he backed away from Hinata. "You…you…I just sat down to ask if you were okay, and you grabbed my head and kissed me!"

Hinata blushed bright red. "O..oh! I..I'm sorry! I…" She trailed off as the embarrassment became too much for her to handle.

Chouji looked away sheepishly. "Um…do you want to go out sometime? Like for dinner?"

Hinata shook her head sadly. "I..I'm sorry, Chouji-san. I only l..like you as a f..friend." She pressed her fingers together. "B..but I'm sure you can find someone to l..l..love you! Y..you're really nice, and s..sweet, and um…" She ducked her head again, not wanting to lead Chouji on.

Chouji looked a little depressed at this news, but he grinned anyway. "Well, at least I can say I got kissed by a pretty girl!" He looked pointedly away, averting his eyes. "By the way, what's with those clothes you're wearing?"

* * *

Kiba tossed a stick for Akamaru to fetch, then leaned back against a nearby tree. "So Shino, what time do you think Hinata will be here? It's not like her to be this late."

Though team nine had officially become Jounin, with teams of their own, they still met several days a week to practice together. Kurenai didn't come often, as her busy life as a mother kept her preoccupied and unable to do many outside activities.

Shino adjusted his glasses. "It is difficult to say. She has never been late before, so I have no previous data to base my conclusions on. I would need a complete data set to make any relevant correlations."

Kiba grinned, baring elongated canines. "You know, you could've just said 'I don't know' and left it at that." He took the stick out of Akamaru's mouth and sent it spinning in the opposite direction. "Anyway, I hope she gets here soon, my mother needs some help bathing our nin-dogs today and she said to come and help right after our practice."

"A..ano…Kiba-kun, Shino-kun…"

Kiba turned towards the voice, his shaggy mop of hair obscuring his vision for the briefest of seconds. "Hey, Hinata! Glad to see you finally…holy crap!"

Hinata stood there blushing in what had to be the sexiest thing he had ever seen anyone wear outside a strip club. His eyes drank in the short shorts, that molded her butt perfectly, and revealed enough leg to make him pant for breath. His eyes moved up to her top, and he fought to contain a nosebleed as a good deal more creamy flesh was exposed to open view.

'Since when did she have breasts?' Not that it was important to him at the moment. His animal like instincts screamed at him to take her, make her his. He squashed those feelings, and finally managed to stammer out some sort of coherent sentence. "Uh, Hinata, when did you start wearing those kinds of clothes?"

Hinata blushed even harder, and covered herself up as she watched Kiba's eyes roam up and down her body. "I..it's t..training. Anko-sensei t..told me to practice wearing r..revealing clothing."

"Training? What kind of training makes you wear…" Kiba trailed off and a horrified expression slowly crept onto his face. "Y..you aren't going to waste this on that blonde idiot you're always stalking, are you?!"

Hinata temporarily forgot her embarrassment as her face pinched in anger. "D..Don't talk about N..Naruto-kun that way!" She immediately set about chastising Kiba for his slander of her only love.

Kiba frantically dodged as Hinata came at him with intent to kill. Well, intent to severely maim anyway. "Oi, Akamaru! Help me out here." The shaggy nin-dog shook his head. "Bark bark!"

Kiba ducked as a Jyuuken strike breezed by his face. "What do you mean, I got myself into this! I didn't even…gah!" He jerked as Hinata struck a point on his arm, rendering it temporarily useless. "Seriously man, give me a hand here!"

"Bark!"

Kiba shook his working fist at Akamaru. "Some friend you are! Shino, can I get a little help?!"

Shino did not answer, his gaze fixed on Hinata's chest as her quick and violent movements did all sorts of interesting things to it. A thin stream of blood flowed down his nose and his glasses started to fog over. His kikai bugs absorbed the blood and began reintegrating it with his body.

Kiba decided that discretion would be the better part of valor in this situation and high-tailed it for the woods, Hinata only a step behind.

Shino remained where he was, his eyes staring at some faraway point. His nosebleed finally trickled off and he shook his head a few times to clear it. He decided that training was unlikely to be accomplished at this point, so with a nod to Akamaru, he walked out of the clearing.

Akamaru yawned and curled up under a large tree. His master would be back, eventually. And the longer he stayed out here, the longer he could avoid getting a bath.

* * *

**A.N.** It's done, it's done! Ahahahahaha! Man, out of thirty potential days of work, Only five or six were dedicated to actually writing. Once again, I blame the addictiveness of Unreal Tournament 2004 and Counterstrike Source. Mmmm…Desert Eagle .50 caliber…anyway, I really enjoyed working on this chapter. As long as it's about or related to Hinata in some way, the inspiration just flows. Does this make me a drooling Hinata shipper? As a parting note, please enjoy this really weird and random omake.

**!!OMAKEOMAKE!!**

"OHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!"

Kankuro shuddered as he crouched low, trying to make himself as small of a target as possible. He saw Temari flattened on her stomach, behind a large bush. It would provided her adequate cover.

He had yet to see whatever it was that was coming toward them, but its laugh preceded it, twisted, dark and maniacal. Before today, he hadn't thought that anything could sound quite that crazy, but it seemed to be the day for new experiences.

Kankuro shook his head as he saw his younger brother sink into the ground, using his sand to create a pocket that he could hide in. He was surprised that Gaara was hiding, but he supposed that this was a very bad sign.

They didn't have long to wait, and a rather slender girl in a purple leotard bounced through the clearing, jumping from tree to tree. She seemed harmless enough, though the tree-jumping showed that she had some skill, but with that laugh, Kankuro wasn't taking any chances. Besides, if there was one thing he had learned as a shinobi, he had learned that you should never take someone's appearance at face value.

Once he was sure that the danger had passed, Kankuro stood up, noticing that Temari was also straightening. "That was disturbing. That laugh was just wrong."

Gaara rose from the ground silently. His expression was unreadable as he looked in the direction that the girl had gone.

"It was…beautiful."

Temari sweatdropped. "Uh…beautiful…right. That's what I was thinking."


	15. Reunions

Another Fine Mess 15

**A.N.** I have been thinking about the fact that I have just recently come to love the Cho/Hina pairing on some kind of fundamental level. I admit, I still like the awkward moments that the Naru/Hina pairing brings, but the other really appeals to me for some reason. I even came up with a few slogans. "Cho/Hina: Why the heck not?"; "Cho/Hina: It's not cliché!"; "Cho/Hina: Even underrepresented characters need lovin'." And finally, "Cho/Hina: When you have nothing better to do." It's great that we can laugh at ourselves isn't it?

Maybe I'll even start a story later featuring that pairing. We'll have to wait and see. I've got about six other ideas I want to try out and at least two of them are looking to be a whole lot of fun to write.

As an aside, I have recently come to realize that nearly every bit of humor that I have ever used had been in some way mentioned in some of my favorite stories. Apparently, I'm plagiarizing without even realizing it. That's more than just a little depressing. Not that I ever thought I was a fountain of originality, but I had at least hoped a few of the humor ideas were mine. Sigh…I suppose I'll just have to keep using the same brand of borrowed humor and hope that my readers don't report me for total cluelessness…

* * *

"Kabuto." The silver haired medic shivered as his masters voice echoed in the sparsely furnished room he was currently using. Orochimaru-sama was using his "You're in so much trouble I'm not even going to bother to yell" voice. Of course, it could sometimes be confused with his "I'm so horny and Sasuke-kun is hiding really well again" voice, which wouldn't be as bad, but still not what he wanted to hear at the moment.

He had no interest in men, and not that much more in women, but he was happy to be able to help his master when he had his urges. The brief physical discomfort would have been far preferable to experiencing his masters overwhelming rage and disappointment.

Still, neither boded well for him. He had a meeting with Sasori in an hour, and the cruelest of the Akatsuki would not bother waiting for him if he failed to show. He didn't think that telling him that he had to "help" Orochimaru-sama would go over that well.

He adjusted his cloak. "Yes, Orochimaru-sama?"

The snake sannin licked his lips, his freakishly long tongue making a full rotation around his mouth. "Where are you going dressed in such nondescript clothing? A secret rendezvous perhaps?"

Kabuto felt a brief surge of panic, but suppressed it quickly. There was no way his master could actually know. He was just trying to make him nervous enough to reveal something. "No Orochimaru-sama, I was only going to make a trip to the store. We're out of quite a few supplies, and I was planning to cook some teriyaki eel tonight."

Orochimarus face brightened slightly. "Teriyaki eel you say? It's been quite a while since we had that. Make sure to get it fresh. You know I can't abide it when it's old and rubbery."

Kabuto nodded. "I will make sure, Orochimaru-sama. Now, if you'll excuse me, I really must be on my way."

He turned to leave, then blinked as a feminine scream assaulted his eardrums. It was followed shortly thereafter by a hearty cackle that made Orochimaru grimace in disgust.

Kabuto frowned curiously. "That sounded like Karin." He was proven right a moment later as the skinny girl came screaming into the room, frantically beating at some shriveled thing that was attached to her butt.

"Orochimaru-sama! Get this thing off of me!" Karin flailed helplessly as the thing reached a hand up and liberally squeezed her derriere. It peered around the side of her hips and Kabuto saw that it was an extremely old man.

"Not too much on the top toots, but that is one fine rear end! Nice and firm and round! Hotcha!" He took another grope, prompting a fresh round of screaming from the panicking kunoichi.

"Happosai…" Orochimaru hissed from between clenched teeth.

The old man dropped to the floor. "In the flesh, boy!" He turned abruptly serious. "I heard an interesting rumor. I heard that you were looking for the key to immortality." His face tightened up into a frown. "I can't let you keep looking for that. You don't know the consequences of what you're hunting for. The price is far too high."

Orochimaru smiled grimly, his mouth upturned in what normally would have been a happy expression. "Not you, or anyone else is going to stop me from attaining immortality. I've already killed one old man, and I wouldn't mind killing another, MASTER Happosai. I'll pay any price that is required of me."

Happosai shook his head sadly. "That's really too bad, boy. I don't normally like to kill, but I'll have to make an exception for you." He vanished and was across the room before any of the rooms three occupants could blink. Orochimaru grunted in pain as he was slammed back through three rooms, masonry and plaster exploding outward in a large cloud. His journey was terminated outside as he became intimately acquainted with a large rock.

Orochimaru coughed up a thick lungful of blood, making burning needles of agony lance through his chest. His entire body ached badly, and he was having a lot of trouble drawing on his chakra reserves. 'Why is he so good?! He wasn't as skilled when I trained under him!'

Then, he had a horrible thought. 'Unless he never showed us his full power. I might be in trouble.' His breath hitched as Happosai stepped out of the ruined walls. Surrounding that small body was more aura than he had ever seen in his life, barring only the Kyuubi.

'What power! If I could have it for my own…' His hands blurred in the seals of the body possession jutsu, then he yelled in agony as the bones in his hands crumpled like paper. Through the haze of pain, he saw tendrils of aura retract to Happosai,

Happosai shook his head sadly. "None of that, m'boy. In a way, it's kind of sad. I had the highest hopes for you. You were destined to be one of the greatest masters in history. But power made you blind. As a last favor for my most skilled pupil, I'll make your death quick."

Disabled and writhing in pain, Orochimaru still managed to sneer at his executioner. "F..foolish old man! I will live on!"

Happosai sighed. "I doubt that." He made a few hand signs and Orochimaru felt the icy hand of death as he watched the massive buildup of chakra.

"Fire Technique: Complete Immolation!" All over the sound village, shinobi and civilian alike gasped as a massive column of white hot fire burst up from Orochimarus base. The pillar widened, then abruptly disappeared; leaving only a large ring of scorched forest to show that there had ever been anything there.

* * *

A bedraggled Jiraiya stepped out of a small tear in reality and flopped into a sitting position. "That is the last time I'm traveling to an unknown destination." He wearily grabbed the small arrow out of his pocket and held it up.

'It's probably not going to work anyway. Just like the last fifty times.' He blinked in surprise as the arrow spun wildly in circles before coming to a stop pointing due East.

"I can't believe that worked. So, head East." He turned around and almost ran over his erstwhile student.

"Gaaah!"

"Aaaah!"

Student and teacher recoiled in surprise simultaneously, Jiraiya almost dropping the arrow in shock.

Naruto was the first to recover. "Hey, Ero-sennin! What took you so long?"

Jiraiya bristled. "Shut up brat! Who was the one that got themselves stuck here in the first place! See if I come and save your rear next time…" He looked quickly around the street.

"Sakura and that other boy aren't with you?"

Naruto shook his head. "Nah, Shikamaru is lazing around and Sakura…uh, she's not here right now." 'Not here is right. I don't know where she is.'

Jiraiya sighed. "Well, let's go get them. I want to get back to Konoha as soon as possible."

'**DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT LEAVING BEFORE YOU SEDUCE THE GIRL, KIT.**'

Naruto sighed. "Um…actually, I need to stay here for a while Ero-sennin. I kind of have a…date tomorrow.

Jiraiya's mouth dropped open in surprise. "You have a date?!" He threw his arm around Naruto's shoulders. "Way to go kid! You are truly my student." The perverted sannin nudged him with an elbow. "So, is she really hot? What are her measurements? Does she have a nice rack?"

Naruto brushed his teachers arm off of his shoulder. "Why should I tell you? Pervert."

Jiraiya arched his eyebrows. "Have you ever heard the expression, 'The pot calling the kettle black?'?"

"The only reason I'm such a pervert is because I'm always around you! Pervert!" Naruto favored his teacher with a withering glance.

Jiraiya turned away. "Well, whatever. She's probably ugly anyway."

Naruto clenched his fist. "Hey! You take that back Ero-sennin! She isn't ugly!"

Jiraiya continued to face away from his student. "Oh? Are you sure you're not just saying that? She probably has buck teeth and ratty brown hair. You're just trying to cover it up."

"She's got beautiful purple hair! And her teeth are just fine!"

Jiraiya turned around, a gleam in his eye. "Ahhhh. So she has beautiful purple hair does she?"

Naruto's face darkened as he realized that he'd been tricked. "Darn it, Ero-sennin! Why don't you stop messing around and teach me that jutsu so I can get home later!"

Jiraiya turned away once again. "Maybe if you offered me something, I'd teach you the jutsu. How about you agree to let me meet this girl?"

"Fine. But only for a minute. And don't do anything perverted."

Jiraiya nodded. "I would never dream of harassing your lady friend. So, where is she?"

Naruto snorted. "You'll have to wait until tonight, Ero-sennin. How about you teach me that jutsu?"

The Sannin nodded reluctantly. "Just one more question Naruto. How did you meet her?"

Naruto winced. "Well, uh…it's not that interesting."

"Nonsense!" Jiraiya pressed. "I want to hear all about it."

"Well, I first met her when we helped out her squad against some demons…"

* * *

Sakura was flabbergasted. She was shocked. And she was very happy. "Ryoga-kun, how did we end up in Konoha?" She looked fondly over the streets of the village she had been sure that she wouldn't see for a long time. Finally, the little dimensional hops that they had been randomly taking had worked out in their favor for once!

Ryoga was somewhat confused. "You know where we are?"

Sakura gave him a hug. "Yes! This is my village, Konoha! I'm so glad we made it back here." Ryoga turned bright red.

'Hmm…soft and warm.' The lost boy gave himself a mental boot to the head. 'Bad perverted thoughts! Don't wanna turn into a womanizer like Ranma.'

He pulled away from Sakura as he noticed a blonde haired girl watching them with great interest.

"Hey, forehead! Who's the cutie?"

Sakura narrowed her eyes. "Back off Ino-pig! This one's mine!" She grabbed Ryoga's arm possessively.

Ino grabbed his other arm and hugged it close to her body. "Why would he want you, when he could have me? Never settle for less you know."

Sakura reached over and used her prodigious strength to shove Ino off Ryoga's arm. "I said back off! Ryoga-kun belongs to me!"

Ino smirked. "How about we just ask him who he prefers? Unless you think you're not pretty enough." Both girls turned their faces toward Ryoga. "Well, Ryoga-kun/Ryoga? Who do you…"

Both girls sweatdropped as they saw that Ryoga had frozen in place, his face a pasty white color.

"Ryoga-kun?" Sakura ventured, looking uneasily at her companion.

Ino chuckled. "I think we broke him. That's kinda cute. You don't meet very many shy guys anymore." She let go of Ryogas arm. "Well, I have to go to practice, so you can keep him for now. Take good care of him, I'll be back to get him later. Ja ne!"

There was an audible crunching sound as Sakura ground her teeth together. 'Like hell you're getting this one Ino-pig! Ryoga-kun is mine!'

Her thoughts turned to her mentor. "I should probably let Tsunade sensei know that I'm back. She's probably been worried sick about me."

She grabbed Ryoga's arm and looped it around hers. "Come on Ryoga-kun. We're going to see my sensei." A few men chuckled quietly as they watched the hapless boy being dragged down the street by his pink haired captor.

An older businessman shook his head. "Boy is already whipped and he doesn't even know it."

* * *

**A.N.** Yes, the actual chapter is shorter, but I think the omake make up for the lack. I really have to apologize for the ridiculous lateness of this chapter. I was frying my brain reading manga and watching anime all summer long. And working of course. If you're looking for a surprisingly good anime to watch in your spare time, I really enjoyed the Potemayo series. It's kinda weird, but the characters are very engaging and the humor is good. Don't overdose on cuteness.

Below are one short and a rather long omake that I had finished before I started work on the chapter.

* * *

**!Omake!**

Tenten glanced at her team members in confusion from her doorway, still clad in her pajamas. "What's this all about?"

Gai cleared his throat. "Tenten, while you are a most youthful blossom, and a dear student, your unnatural love for weapons has become something of a problem."

Lee nodded empathetically. "Your conduct on our last mission was…disturbing. I have no wish to see that again." A full body shudder made him shake violently.

"_Ahhahahahaha! Die die die diediedie!" _

_Lee averted his eyes and Neji and Gai covered their mouths as Tenten hacked the enemy shinobi into little tiny bits with her katana. Their team had been hired as guards for a merchant caravan, payable half up front and the other on destination._

_Gai had expected to be attacked, but had been a bit disturbed by his only female student. She had been stroking her new katana lovingly, its flawless blade polished to a blindingly shiny gloss._

_That, however, was not the troubling part. In the small lulls of silence, Gai could hear her talking to the blade. "Yes, we'll get some use out of you soon. Some bandits will attack and we'll carve them into itty, bitty, tiny pieces, yes we will."_

_And now, it was Tenten unleashed._

Neji eyes bored into hers, unmerciful and detached. "We've talked to the Hokage, and she gave us permission to temporarily suspend your weapons privileges."

Tenten gasped. "Y..you can't take my weapons!"

Lee stepped forward. "It is for your own wellbeing, Tenten. You must fight the addiction."

Tenten scoffed, waving her hands in a dismissive gesture. "What? I'm not addicted to weapons."

Gai raised an eyebrow. "Then you won't mind if we take that kunai, will you Ten…" He reached for the knife, but Tenten hissed and backed away.

"You can't have it! It's mine, mine! My precioussssssss." She brandished it threateningly as the three men closed in.

Gai tensed. "Now! Get her!" And there was much yelling and flailing of limbs.

* * *

**!Omake Squared!  
**

"Come here you little slab of bacon!" Anko cursed in frustration as she made another grab for the surprisingly agile piglet that was bouncing around her kitchen like a rubber ball on speed.

The piglet squealed in defiance and took a bite out of her finger. "Ow! That hurt you little…!" Anko grabbed a kunai and took careful aim. 'Right above that yellow bandanna...' Unsurprisingly, the piglet dodged and the kunai put a large hole in her cabinets.

"Kuso…those doors cost me a fortune you stupid piece of pork on the hoof!" She leapt for the little piglet but it again proved too slippery to catch, bouncing off her head to safety. Her head hit the lower cabinet doors and a pair on top swung open.

"Ow…ouch…son of a…argh…!" Anko cursed loudly and profusely as her heavy duty iron cooking pots rained down on her like a hailstorm from hell.

She glared at the piglet as she nursed her aching head. Was that thing smirking at her?

Then, the absurdity of the situation hit her and Anko began to chuckle. "You are one smart piglet. I don't think I'll eat you after all." Maybe she could train it to be her ninja bodyguard or something. Besides, the little thing was kind of cute.

* * *

Ryoga grunted softly as he readied his fifth escape plan that night. His tormenter was soundly asleep next to him…or so it seemed. He had learned the hard way not to trust his first instinct.

Waiting with a good deal more patience than most people would have suspected he had, Ryoga feigned sleep until he felt his captor start to take deep, even breaths.

Slowly and ever so silently, he inched his porcine body off the pillow, moving inch by excruciating inch. He felt the edge of the comforter and rolled off the edge, landing with a muffled thump on the floor.

Ryoga held his breath, expecting the crazy woman to peek her head over the edge of the bed and snatch him up again. What in the world did she want with a ninja pig anyway?

Well, if he were to be completely honest, his little stay hadn't been all bad. She had given him a few ideas about maximizing his fighting potential in pig form. And for some strange reason, she liked to hang around the house wearing nothing but her fishnet top and panties. He was still recovering from the blood loss.

After five endless minutes, he felt it was safe to move. He moved quickly toward the door, his head awash with adrenaline. He'd made it! Finally, sweet freedom!

Hissssss!

Ryoga turned pale as one of the biggest snakes he had ever seen reared its head at the intruder on its personal space. He quickly hopped back up on the bed, burrowing into the pillow as deeply as he could.

Well, there was something to be said about a somewhat comfortable captivity. He could always work on his escape plans tomorrow.

* * *

As the first feeble rays of dawn made their way through her bedroom window, Anko rolled over and pulled her covers up closer to her body.

She blinked as a surprised squeal trailed off the side of her bed, followed shortly by a meaty thump. She peeked over the side of her bed and saw her new ninja pig sprawled out on the floor on its back.

It flipped itself back over with surprising dexterity and gave her a withering glare.

Anko chuckled to herself as she grabbed the little ham ball and pulled him up onto the bed. "You really are intelligent aren't you? I'm surprised you're still here." The pig had made a total of five escape attempts last night, three of them almost successfully. Finally, she had just summoned a midsized snake to guard the doorway.

Ryoga grunted in annoyance. 'As if I had a choice. Crazy woman.'

"Ahhhhh!" Anko stretched her arms out above her head to relieve her stiff muscles, providing Ryoga with an almost perfect cheesecake shot of the underside of her breasts.

"Hm?" Anko looked down as a thin rushing noise made itself known over the usual morning harmony of sounds. Her piglet was facing away from her, trying vainly to stop the flow of blood from its nose with its hooves.

She grinned. "You are one perverted piglet. It's a good thing I don't have any modesty or we might have a problem."

She swung her legs off the bed and stood up, unconcerned with her near nakedness. 'A good cup of tea would do the trick this morning. And of course some dango. Then some toast with jelly. And some dango.'

Setting a pot on her stove to boil, Anko busied herself with combing her hair and brushing her teeth. A kunoichi has to look her best, after all.

A shrill whistle let her know that her tea was done and she walked leisurely back to the kitchen to take it off the boiler. What she saw there shocked her. Her pet pig was nudging the tea pot off the edge of the stove!

Somehow sensing that something was not right, the pig looked up and froze in place when it saw Anko watching it.

Anko moved quickly over to the stove and reached out to pull the kettle back on the stove.

"Now what are you doing to the OUCH!" In her preoccupation with her pet, Anko had forgotten that metal is a fantastic conductor of heat energy. As her mind registered the pain, she flung the kettle up in an attempt to get rid of it quickly.

The kettle flipped upside down and its lid fell off, sending boiling hot water streaming directly onto a dismayed Ryoga.

"Bweeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT!" The lost boy danced around comically as he frantically tried to cool his scalded body.

Anko looked on in shock as her little piglet became five foot eleven inches of beefcake right in front of her eyes. 'That couldn't have been a henge. There's no one that has the chakra to maintain the illusion for a full two days. Besides, he would have just changed back after I tried to butcher him for sausage.'

An appreciative leer crept onto her face. 'On the other hand…That is one fine chunk of man. Easy on the eyes and a decent package to boot!'

Ryoga felt the weight of his captors gaze upon him and quickly covered himself up as best he could. "This isn't…it's not…I never…"

Anko cocked her head to the right. "Did you disguise yourself to become my pet and take advantage of me while I didn't know any better?"

Ryoga paled. "No, that's…!" He gulped as Anko's eyes glazed over and a thin line of drool crept slowly down her cheek.

Anko licked her lips. "Because that is SO hot! Come here big boy!"

Neighbors shook their heads in disgust as a terrified scream drifted out from Anko's apartment before it was abruptly silenced.

And old woman huffed in indignation. "In the morning no less! Has she no shame?"

Her husband clapped his hands together in a prayer for the (debatably) unfortunate soul.

* * *

Ranma sighed as he sat on the roof of the dojo, bored out of his mind. Everything was quiet lately, no crazy princes kidnapping Akane, no uber powerful demigods threatening him, no rivals with new techniques to try out. He'd welcome just about anything right now.

And speaking of anything…he grinned as he saw the yellow bandanna bobbing its way past the dojo. His best buddy Ryoga was always good for a fight. He hadn't seen ol' pork-butt in a while. The lost boy probably had some crazy new technique to try out that Ranma could figure out a counter to in a long, drawn out battle.

Jumping down from his perch, Ranma clapped the lost boy on the shoulder. "Hey, Ryoga! Where have you been man?" The lost boy turned to face him and Ranma recoiled at the bleakness on Ryoga's face.

"Holy crap! What happened to you Ryoga?!"

Ryoga blinked and his eyes snapped into focus, as if seeing Ranma for the first time. "Ra..ranma?"

Ranma nodded his head. "Yeah, it's me. What happened to you?"

Ryoga's face broke and he started uncharacteristically sobbing. "It was horrible! The snakes…whips…she wouldn't let me leave! She kept me in her room for f..f..five days and…and..the snakes! You shouldn't be able to use a living creature like that! It was wrong, so wrong…" He trailed off into silence, though the tears still flowed down his cheeks.

* * *

Anko sighed in regret as she luxuriated in the public baths. Her newest playmate had run off and she didn't have anyone to warm her bed.

But of course, that was easily remedied through the creative use of paralyzing potions. Easily the best purchase she'd ever made. Now to locate a suitable partner.

She moved to the secret peephole located high up on a rock formation so as to better spy on the mens baths. She wouldn't be alone tonight or her name wasn't Mitsurishi Anko.

* * *

**A.N. the second**: This omake idea came to me when I was thinking of the usual "How would Akane react if she found out that Ryoga was/used to be P-chan?" My conclusion is that she'd take it pretty badly, at least initially. Then I started thinking "Would there be anyone who wouldn't take it badly?" and the rest is taking up about four and a half pages of text in MS Word 2007. Hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed writing it.


	16. Boyfriend Material?

Another bright day in the little district of Nerima, the sun was shining, and the birds were singing. A gaijin tourist that was visiting the town commented that it made an idyllic little picture of normalcy. The locals shook their heads at the foolishness of gaijin in general.

People all over Nerima raised their heads briefly as a blindingly intense flash accompanied by a muted boom echoed throughout the district. They held position for a moment before resuming their daily activities. It was most likely some kind of martial arts battle. Best to leave the gawking to the young people and tourists.

As the blast subsided, they heard a voice yelling over the silence left in its wake. "You idiot! I told you to take it slowly!"

A second, younger voice interjected in protest. "I was doing fine until you decided to hit me in the middle! Besides, it's not like anyone got hurt."

Then the voices lowered and the sleepy hum of town life resumed.

* * *

Jiraiya shook his fist in the general direction of his student. "No one got hurt? If I could see you, I'd show you how wrong that statement is!"

"Heh, serves you right Ero-sennin. What kind of sensei disrupts their pupil while they're in the middle of a jutsu?" Naruto rubbed his eyes furiously, trying to clear the white sheet that had been burned onto his retinas.

"Grrr…insolent kid! I was just making sure you could do the jutsu under pressure! You might have to do it in a tense situation some day!" Jiraiya glared at the dark, vaguely human shaped blob that he assumed was Naruto.

"Maybe you should have waited until I actually learned the jutsu before you tried to push me off the deep end!"

Jiraiya blinked rapidly as his vision slowly returned. "Try it again you ungrateful kid. I'll have to give you a handicap this time."

"You call not getting hit in the face during a jutsu a handicap?" Naruto snorted, brushing a stray twig off of his clothes. "Why don't you just kick me in the balls while you're at it?"

"Don't tempt me kid." Jiraiya sighed and gathered his chakra. "I'm gonna show you one more time and after that it's up to you to learn. You'd better hope you learn quickly, if you wanna be in time for that date of yours." He paused, his chakra dissipating and returning to the surrounding flows of nature.

"Where are you going anyway? Did you have something special planned? Or are you just going to take her to some ramen joint?" A large bead of sweat crawled down Naruto's head.

"I…uh…I hadn't thought about that."

Jiraiya was flabbergasted. "You're telling me you asked some girl on a date but you don't know where you want to go! What kind of idiot are you?" He cuffed his student on the head.

"Hey, how was I supposed to know that she'd say yes? It wasn't my idea to ask her in the first place." Naruto sweat dropped as his teacher very slowly raised an eyebrow.

"This ought to be interesting. Tell me how you ended up asking a girl out, but it wasn't your idea to begin with." Jiraiya rubbed his forehead. "And after you're done with that, tell me why she said yes."

* * *

Sakura was surprised to find that she was a little apprehensive as she stood outside the door of Tsunade's office. That was silly of course, she had been unwillingly pulled into Naruto's little jutsu, but all the same, it felt as if she had somehow failed her sensei.

Ryoga shifted awkwardly as he stood behind Sakura. "Uh…I'll just wait out here. Go ahead and talk to your teacher."

"Thank you Ryoga-kun." She took a deep breath and walked through the door.

Sakura grinned as she entered the Hokage's office. She had really looked forward to seeing Tsunade-sensei again. The Hokage looked up from her paperwork, and a wide grin threatening to split her face in half as she saw who it was.

"Sakura! I thought we'd lost you!" She stood up and quickly rounded the desk to embrace the girl in a bone-cracking hug.

"Erk! It's…good to see you too Tsunade-sensei…Air please?" The Hokage laughed sheepishly. "Right, right. So what have you been up to?"

Sakura took a deep breath. "I'll tell you my story later. I want you to meet my boyfriend."

'_Taking a few creative liberties there aren't you girl..."_ her inner voice commented.

'Oh shut up. He's already my boyfriend; he just doesn't know it yet.'

Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "Oh-ho! We've been busy haven't we…" She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Sakura flushed in embarrassment. "Tsunade-sensei…"

The woman in question cackled. "Sorry, sorry. I'll try not to embarrass you." She leaned in towards Sakura and spoke in conspiratorial tones. "So…is he hung better than 'Sasuke-kun'?"

Sakura hadn't thought that she could get any redder, but Tsunade was proving her wrong. "I thought you said you weren't going to embarrass me…" Then she grinned mischievously. "Sasuke-baka hasn't got anything on Ryoga-kun."

Tsunade whistled. "Well! You'd better be careful or this old woman might try to take your young stud for herself! Where is he anyway?"

Sakura pointed out the door. "He's waiting outside in the hallway. He wanted to give me some reunion time with you."

Tsunade gestured towards the door. "Bring him in then! I'd like to meet this young man you speak so highly of."

Sakura nodded. "I'll be right back." She walked outside to where Ryoga was leaning idly against the wall. "Tsunade-sensei wants to meet you. Remember to show your best manners! I want her to like you."

Ryoga nodded nervously. Following Sakura back through the door he paled as he recognized the only woman he had never wanted to see again in his life. Well, okay, not the only woman. But at least in his top five.

Tsunade turned beet red with fury. "You!" she shouted. She hadn't forgotten the peeper that had actually had the audacity to come into her private bathing chambers. She had chased the boy all through the Hokage tower, giving every male with reasonably decent vision a free show. And to make matters much worse, he was the only male ever to escape her righteous indignation. She'd seen him turn a corner and when she rounded it a few seconds later, the boy was gone.

Ryoga, on the other hand, was edging back toward the door. 'It's that crazy lady that tried to kill me when I accidentally walked into her bathroom! Not good!'

Tsunade leveled a glare at Ryoga. "Give me a good reason why I shouldn't pound you into a fine paste…"

Ryoga gulped. "It…was an accident?"

Tsunade slammed a hand down on her desk, splitting the heavy oak wood raggedly down the middle. "Not good enough! Are you telling me that you walked directly into my private chambers by accident? How stupid do you think I am?"

Ryoga sweated heavily. "That's exactly what I'm telling you! It's not like I'm some kind of lecher or anything! Besides, if I really did want to peek at you, why would I walk right out in the open like that?"

Tsunade mulled that over, her temper cooling to a more reasonable level. "That…is a surprisingly good point. But how does someone accidentally wander into a chamber in the center of the Hokage tower by accident? You shouldn't even have been allowed on that floor."

"I get lost…really easily. It's a family curse. One time I walked for a day and went from the desert to some kind of underwater facility. Without ever jumping into any water." Ryoga took a deep breath. "I don't really have any choice as to where I end up."

Tsunade sighed. "Well, it's not the craziest thing I've ever heard." She shifted her eyes to the left. "Calm down Sakura. Everything's fine."

Sakura nodded almost nonchalantly, but Tsunade could tell she had been ready to restrain her teacher should she make any rash moves.

'The student restraining the teacher from violence. That's certainly a unique concept.' Tsunade let out a soft sigh. 'I sometimes think I really don't deserve to be a teacher. What kind of example do I set for my students? How to get drunk in five easy steps?'

She gave Ryoga a hard look. "I'm going to let this one slide. Make sure it doesn't happen again."

Ryoga gave a hasty salute. "Yes ma'am!"

Tsunade turned her eyes to her slowly relaxing apprentice. "Where are Naruto and Shikamaru? I could understand Naruto not showing up to give a report, but Shikamaru is well trained in the art of keeping me up to date."

"Actually sensei, Naruto and Shikamaru aren't with us. They're probably still back in Ryoga-kun's universe."

Tsunade looked distressed at that news, but she shrugged and turned to face the window. "Well, I guess I just have to trust Jiraiya. He's an idiot, but he's pretty reliable."

Sakura nodded and prepared to take her leave, when she noticed something odd sitting in the corner of the office. "Sensei?"

Tsunade answered without moving her head. "Yes Sakura?"

"Why is there a pile of men's clothing sitting in the corner of your office? And…is that Kakashi-sensei's mask?"

The Hokage waved her hand. "Oh, those. Those are just some spoils of war. I was on fire that night." She paused. "Which reminds me, Iruka has the most adorable blush when he gets embarrassed. Not to mention a cute little tushie."

Sakura's eyebrows twitched madly as she tried to reconcile her image of her sensei with the words coming out of said person's mouth. Sadly, the more she thought about it, the more plausible it seemed.

* * *

"You want to what?" Makoto Kino turned to look at her friend Minako with puzzlement.

"I said let's take Hotaru shopping with us."

Makoto pulled the skirt of her school uniform down, struggling to keep it knee level and having little luck.

"She doesn't get out too much right? She's probably really lonely and I don't think Michiru and Haruka usually go shopping with her. Haruka wouldn't be caught dead near a clothes store and Michiru is usually busy with concerts."

Makoto gave up her futile efforts to keep her fuku modest. "It sounds fine to me. She's so polite and quiet that it won't be an ordeal like going shopping with Rei or Usagi."

Minako sweat dropped as she remembered the…fun that they had taking Rei and Usagi shopping. "Ugh, they might be two of my best friends, but I get a headache when I have to be around them for too long."

Minako bunched her hands together and widened her eyes, doing an eerily accurate impression of their princess at the mall. "Oh! Look at that cute dress! I have to try it on!" She straightened her back and adopted a look of mixed disdain and tested patience. "Don't bother meatball head. That thing will make you look like a whale." Minako bunched her hands up again and crocodile tears gushed from her eyes. "Waaaah! Minako, Rei is being mean again!"

Makoto's eyebrows rose far enough to become one with her hairline. "That…was a remarkable rendition. Maybe you should consider becoming an actress."

Minako waved her suggestion off casually. "Nah, this perfection demands the runway. I figure I can get a modeling job somewhere." She brushed a stray lock of hair out of her eyes. "Hotaru should be home by now. Let's go see if we can find her.

Hotaru was indeed home, and Michiru showed them to her room while concealing her surprise fairly well. 'I never thought that Hotaru would get any visitors other than Chibi-Usa.'

Hotaru looked up in surprise as the two girls entered, hastily clearing some room on her bed and moving her books out of the way.

Minako held up a hand. "Don't worry about it. We just came to ask you if you wanted to go shopping with us. We could get you some cute new dresses." She snapped her fingers. "Maybe you could catch a boy or two while we're out. We'll get you all dolled up to be an irresistible temptress. The men won't be able to stop looking at you!"

Hotaru flushed. "Um…thank you for inviting me, but I already have some plans tonight."

Makoto's face tightened in surprise. "Oh, is Chibi-Usa coming for a visit? I didn't hear anything from Usagi."

Hotaru's blush deepened. "No, Chibi-Usa isn't coming tonight. I have a d..date at six." Minako's jaw hit the floor and Makoto reeled back as if physically hit.

Minako was the first to recover. "You have a date? As in, 'A nice night with some cute boy?" Hotaru nodded minutely, her head bowed and her blush spreading to cover most of her face.

There was the sound of shattering glass from the hallway and the door to her room crashed open, revealing a distraught Haruka. "WHO IS THIS BOY? HOW DARE HE SEDUCE MY DAUGHTER! I'LL CASTRATE HIM! I'LL FLAY HIM ALIVE! I'LL DIP HIM IN BOILING OIL AND…" She was cut off as Michiru grabbed her arm with a firm grip and yanked her violently out into the hallway. There was a strangled yelp as Michiru's arm wrapped around Haruka's throat. Michiru poked her head back in the door. "Sorry about the disturbance girls. I'll talk to Haruka. Hotaru, when were you going to tell us you had a date?"

Hotaru paled. "Um…I was…" Michiru cut her off with a look. "We'll talk about this later. Right now, I think SOMEONE else needs a lesson in respecting privacy." There was another yelp from the hallway. Michiru reached across with her free hand and pulled the door shut. A large sweatdrop crawled its way down the three girls heads.

Makoto was the first to break the silence. "Wow Hotaru. Michiru can actually be kinda scary when she wants to be."

Minako shook her head. "Never mind that! I wanna know how Hotaru got a hot date before us!" She twisted to look at Hotaru. "Is he cute? How tall is he? Does he have a lot of money?"

"Yes, I don't know, I don't know." Hotaru leaned backward. "Do you remember that boy that jumped in front of that youma for me?"

Minako thought for a moment, and Hotaru thought she could almost see the wheels turning behind the older girls eyes. "Uh…oh, yeah! Him, huh? Not bad…but I would have picked one of those other two stud-muffins he was with!"

"Well, I like Naruto just fine!" Hotaru exclaimed, defensive of her new boyfriend.

Minako raised her hands defensively. "Sorry, sorry!" She grabbed Hotaru, the fire of enthusiasm burning in her eyes. "Well now we have to take you shopping. We have to find you the perfect dress to knock your date's socks off! I know we don't have much time so we'll make it…" Minako shuddered and her mouth opened and closed several times. With a visible effort she forced a "short" out of her mouth. "Ugh…I feel almost blasphemous, you know. Henceforth, before the gods of commercial shopping outlets I vow never to cut a shopping trip short again!"

Makoto rolled her eyes. "I'm sure the gods of shopping won't mind this small transgression. It's for a worthy cause."

Minako turned abruptly, her face deadly serious. "You think so? I was thinking we might have to sacrifice a Gucci bag or something."

Makoto sighed. "Yes I'm serious. A Gucci bag? Couldn't you pick something less expensive?"

Minako dragged Hotaru to the door. "That's not important now. What we need to do is get Hotaru some new clothes! To the mall!"

Makoto sighed, but followed her friend anyway. As much as she liked shopping, this had "long day" written all over it.

* * *

**A.N.** Well…any excuse I can offer for the ridiculous amount of time that I wasn't writing will seem feeble and awkward. All I can say is that I lost whatever motivation I had to write this thing and I just recently buckled down and got some work done. Gomen nasai! That is, if you even remember this story or its author. I wouldn't be surprised if 90 percent of my readers had forgotten I existed. On a completely unrelated note, I'm writing this listening to The Offspring. They have to be the best band ever. Especially the older stuff. If you don't already know them and want to get an album, get 'Smash' or 'Ignition'. I think those two would be the best to start off with. Anyway I'm done rambling. Enjoy a few Omake as an after story mint.

P.S. To that one reviewer who requested another Ryoga in Konoha omake, I will work on that, just not until next chapter. There were too many omake I wanted to try out first. Which brings up an interesting question. What is the plural of omake? Omake? Omakes? I'd like to hear some input, if any of you think you have an idea.

**!OmakeOmakeOmake!**

Tsunade looked over her steepled hands at her youngest student. "You want to know the secret of my massive strength?"

Sakura nodded vigorously. "Hai, Tsunade-shishou! Please teach me your secret so I can be a better contributor to my team! Is it a special chakra technique? Physical conditioning? A type of little known seal?"

Tsunade grunted and leaned back in her seat. "Well, it's a combination of physical conditioning and chakra control. Chakra control has helped amplify my natural strength by several factors, but if I didn't have a whole lot of strength to begin with, I wouldn't be able to split the ground simply by punching it."

Sakura nodded. "So you devoted yourself to strength training."

Tsunade chuckled. "Not quite. The secret behind my impressive physical strength is…" She paused for the slightest of seconds.

Sakura leaned forward. "Is….?"

Tsunade hefted a breast in her hand. "…is having knockers bigger than most people's heads." She winced as Sakura face-faulted directly onto the edge of her desk.

'That looked like it hurt.'

After Sakura picked herself up off the floor, cursing and rubbing the large red mark on her forehead, she seated herself back in her chair. "Don't tease me sensei!"

Tsunade shook her head. "I'm not kidding. You know those training weights that Lee and Gai always wear?"

Sakura nodded, recalling her shock as Lee's weights hit the floor during the Chuunin exams. Of course, it still hadn't been quite enough to beat Gaara, but it was very impressive nonetheless. It had been that moment when he had began to change in her view, looking less like a skilled idiot child and more like a serious and deadly shinobi.

Tsunade hefted both breasts before letting them drop. "Well, these unwieldy behemoths are like a training weight that you never get to take off. My whole life ever since about sixteen has been one long strength training session."

Sakura stood up, a gleam of understanding in her eyes. "Thank you sensei! I understand now! Please excuse me!" She rushed out of the office, leaving a bemused Tsunade to resume her stack of paperwork.

* * *

Sakura's mother gripped the empty bottle as she looked at her growing daughter. "Sakura! That's the sixth carton of milk we've gone through this week! What are you doing with all of it?"

Sakura wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "It's for training Mom! Gotta go!"

Her mother shook her head as Sakura rushed out the door. She tossed the milk bottle in the garbage. "Training? I'll never understand that daughter of mine."

(For those who didn't understand that last segment, it is a popular belief that milk helps make your breasts bigger. At least according to manga and anime. They wouldn't lie to me, right?)

* * *

**!Omake Squared!**

It was another Senshi meeting at the Hino shrine and as such things were apt to be, it was a scene of utter chaos.

Well, it was really only two individuals that were causing all that chaos. But they more than made up for the other four that were present.

"Give me back that manga meatball head!"

"Aww, but Rei, I just wanted to read it. How come it was hidden in a box under your bed anyway?"

As Rei's face approached dangerously red levels, three of the four heads in the room whipped around to regard the fire priestess with great interest.

Rei made a lunge for Usagi, reaching out with her hands to snag the manga. While she didn't succeed in reclaiming the manga, she did manage to knock Usagi over.

"Waaaah!" The manga went flying from Usagi's hand and skidded across the floor until it came to an abrupt halt against Ami's legs. The Senshi of water reached down to pick up the manga and return it to her friend.

"Glrk!" She froze up, her hand inches away from the book. Minako craned her neck to see what the fuss was all about.

"Oho! I wouldn't have thought you were the type Rei!"

This time, Rei's diving lunge was successful and she grabbed the offending manga, quickly stuffing it under her bed. She turned back to face the other Senshi, a maniacal light burning in her eyes. "I trust that you can all be mature enough not to talk about this too much…"

A thoroughly intimidated Usagi nodded vigorously.

Minako however, looked thoughtful. "Well, at least I know what to get you for your next birthday. Do you already have the leather dominatrix suit? Or do you want a new whip?"

* * *

**Random Quote:** "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."  
- Oscar Wilde

**Random Quote:** "Shinji had never seen a woman being savagely beaten with a hot water penguin before." (Evangelion Fanfiction: _Title: I Do_, Author: Innortal _Side Note_: This story is freakin' hilarious. Read it.)


End file.
